Jaisen

The Cookie is Crumbling...

Thursday, July 3, 2008 10:30:53 AM

worn out, degenerative spine, CFS, school prac, chronic fatigue syndrome, sad, sadness, Depression, depressed, listless, mental illness, tired

I'm not in a good way. Although I began my week of prac in a positive manner, it's been pretty much all downhill from there. Yesterday and today were the worst, as far as depression was concerned. I was pretty much reduced to

and let's just say I didn't have lunch in the staff room. I spent my lunch break alone and another ten minutes in the bathroom trying to look normal.

I know, that sounds so lame... I was not expecting to get posted to a grade 5/6 class and that is part of the problem. Now, my future is very uncertain because I don't think that I am going to get a very good report back. I may fail my prac.

It all started because I have a thing about kids rocking on chairs. As some of you readers may know, I almost lost my eldest son when he fell off his chair a few years ago. It was only by chance that we realised something was wrong and were able to get to him in time to save him.

This was a traumatic event for me and, unfortunately, with all my anxieties and what not, I tend to be highly sensitive to these kinds of things. The other thing I am big on is respect - something that children refuse to show their elders these days. I am trying to teach the students, in the small time that I am there, that it is important to show respect.

I want the students to like me, but I also want them to understand that I mean business when I ask them to do something (or stop doing something). Some of the boys like to wear hoods or caps in class - which in itself is a sign of disrespect. People should not wear hats indoors. I suppose I just wanted my colleague teacher to notice that I was trying to encourage respect. She sees it more as a "power trip" (her words, not mine) and I took offense to that because that is certainly not what I am about.

Anyway, I did talk to her about it today and she said she was going to speak to the principal and to my senior lecturer about it. She doesn't seem to think that I can cope with being a teacher. When someone makes that kind of assumption, it begins to make me wonder if I am making yet another big mistake. I have made so many in my life, but I am not getting any younger and unless I get my act together soon, it might just be too late.

My main concern is that I don't want to end up back in the Spencer Clinic like I was last year

. That sucked. My only other options are all extremely negative, the worst of which could be

.

I think that a

has more intelligence than me at the moment... I just feel like

and

. Yes, yes... All melodramatic, I know. I can't even begin to tell you all what my life is like. With all the chronic illnesses, the degenerative spine, the hips, knees and mental disorders... I am like the frickin' Wreck of the Hesperus...

I'm just worried that I am a ticking

, waiting to go off... and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone that I

or even remotely care about. In fact, I would sooner harm myself than anyone....

I almost deleted this post, but screw it. It serves as a reminder that not everyone's lifes are

Later...

End of the Week...

Comments

author@ptgbook.orgptgauthor # Monday, July 27, 2009 8:16:31 PM

I whole-heartedly agree with your approach to your students, but it is sad that instead of backing, support, and encouragement from you superiors you are getting rebuked. They seem to lack wisdom and common sense, and are part of a permissive culteral wave that is very active right now. Unfortunately, they make your job harder by their opposition.