Second City of Angels

As long as I can remember I have been depressed. It's been one continuous 30 plus year bummer. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of really good days in there too. For me, depression is not like a boulder on my chest. It's more like being stuck at the bottom of the sea. When the tide is high, the weight can be so great that I can barely breath. When it's low, I have some freedom of movement but I can always feel it's influence. I wonder how all this has affected my development. How much of my personality is the way it is because of this feeling. It's been on my mind a lot lately, because I have an appointment with a doctor who will give me medication to help chase my demons away. I'm almost as scared of the pills as I am of the demons. What if I'm not me anymore? What if this depression is such a huge part of me that when it's gone, I am too? I can't imagine life without dread, without self loathing, without pain. I can wrap my head around all kinds of abstract theories, but the idea of happiness seems too far out, impossible. In spite of all this, I know that the time has come to try something new. So, as has always been my way, I will hope for the best. And feel the worst is coming. Who knows, maybe I really will be the better for it, in any case it should prove interesting. See you on the other side.