A Country Bumpkin Offering Sunshine

It is very hard to face my own mother who raised me as hard as she could and brothers who grew up with me and looked up to me years ago, so the only way to ease my guilt is to hide myself and talk to them as little as I can. I have been really losing my own identity for a long time and often don't know who I am and who I am going to be. Now, the worst part is that I cannot even make my own living. I feel like I have disappointed every one who loves and cares about me. I don't know why I cannot find a job I like and make myself useful. I am not afraid of getting old but frightened by being useless most of the time. Am I fading away? It is sick to avoid calling my own family members, but I feel like a big loser whenever I have to contact them. Sometimes, I really wish there is a power that can wipe me out from their memory, and I can be a loser without tremendous guilt. Do I really care about being a loser? Or, I just fear me being a loser worries my mom... Oh, god, please just give me a damn job, would you?!!