Kauket

Current Mood: Cold

Six days.

Six days since I’ve written anything! I bet you thought I’d forgotten! Ha! No, I hadn’t. I’ve just been too lazy to write things when I get all worked up about things with Bekah and Anna online, lol. I’m such a loser, it’s unreal!

Okay. Basically, finished off my assignments and I had another exam on Wednesday. I think it went fairly well. As Oz said, I could pretty much almost fail and I’d still get through. In all honesty, though, I want to get more than just a D, thank you very much. Otherwise, I’ll feel a bit shit about the whole thing. Bugger. My other assignment pieces were bad. Really bad. I hope I scrape through Zoë’s, as I really couldn’t get anything to flow. I think Philosophy essays ruin real essays. I’m used to rambling about thought and all the rest of it instead of something meaningful. Then again, I was writing 2000 words about stories that are – at most – supposed to be 1500 words long. That can’t be a good start, surely?

Anyway, enough of university talk. I can’t wait to get home on Thursday. Everything seems to be slipping into place, actually. Thank the Gods! I have somewhere to live next year, which is fun. No more panicking about that! I can’t wait to start next year. I need another fresh start. Apparently coming to university wasn’t good enough. Come back in four months and be another completely new person. I don’t mind having to meet new people. Plus, I’ve learned that if I do end up getting stuck on my own in the flat, I don’t need company at all. Some wise words have reminded me of who I am, so that’s something. I’m never truly alone anyway, as long as I keep meditating and relaxing. More homely touches next year, though, methinks. Much nicer.

Ahh… and we also have a new member of the family, Mum tells me. She rang me yesterday because she had one of her ‘feelings’. I wonder what really happened. Anyway, we have a black greyhound called Pagan. She’s nothing like Honey, though. I was really worried about that, but Mum showed me her on the webcam, and she doesn’t even move like Honey does. She even lies on the concrete outside without a blanket. Myrrdin apparently has really clicked with her, although the cats are terrified. Well, Shadow probably just hates her, but that’s just generally Shadow. To be fair, Myrrdin has been really lonely without a proper friend. It’s a good thing all round, but I’m still worried about seeing her on Thursday. What can I say? I still haven’t really made my peace with Honey, even though it’s been months. I can’t bring myself to do it. Stupid.

Exam on Wednesday. Packing up until then. And best guesses about who will actually miss me over the summer. I should make an effort to keep in touch with people, mind. Otherwise, seeing people from my course is going to be weird. “Oh, hi, yes, ignored you over summer but we’re still really good friends, right?” Ha! I’ll be on MSN and things, though. I just need to remember that this isn’t Sixth Form! Ha indeed!

On a final note: The Last Unicorn. Seriously need to find that somewhere. Bekah gave me a link to the music, and I know I watched it when I was a kid, but I need to see it again to remind myself about it. Cheesy, hmm? And I deigned to watch ‘Enchanted’ today. It was surprisingly entertaining. I take all of my vicious remarks about it back. Bar the obviously cheesy ending, of course. Brilliant.

I want Doctor Who. Damn Eurovision for making it a week late!

Did I mention that the uni refuses to have any heating on now? And that my feet are cold? Meh. Just an afterthought, lol.

Ciao.

~LN

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Catching Up!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 4:38:46 PM

Current Mood: Happy

Wow. Okay, so it’s almost been a week since I updated. And I wasn’t going to because apparently Oz actually reads this thing – must remember to stay nice! XD – but I think I need to just de-stress.

So… what’s happened since last Wednesday? Okay, quickly. I finished my 3,000 word portfolio, and it’s awesome. Saturday was Sinead and Owen’s birthday, but that was something else. It started out really well, but then with Ciaran and Steve’s fight, it ruined the night. Ciaran basically smashed Steve in the face because of Steve’s usual “ZOMG u cant b wif a girl cos i fancy u!” crap. And then when the warden and security were called, he decided to be an arse and shout abuse at them. I have never been so embarrassed around people who are supposed to be my friends. Hmm. I’ve been avoiding them. Guess why?

That was the weekend. I spent most of Sunday hibernating in my room because I was sick of everything. Saturday night was a disgrace, and I didn’t sleep until after seven or something stupid. Ack.

Monday? More writing and revision. Today was my first university exam. Nice. Metaphysics and stuff. I think it went fairly well, although I was exactly how I always am. I rushed to meet Oz because I got all confused, and then realised that I was feeling sick. A dash through the canteen and I threw up. Twice. It was bloody awful! At least the exam was only an hour long. And since then, I’ve just been trying to relax. After I eat a bit later, I’ll be diving back into revision for tomorrow’s exam. Ethics. Oh, grab me a mop.

Good news, though! Originally, I was going to go home on Saturday the 31st, but because Adam has a week off next week, I get to go home on Thursday the 29th instead!! Woo! How awesome is that? Mum was on the phone because her internet has been down all day – yes, it was emotional all round – and we worked it all out there. I can’t wait to see them again, and actually revert to who I really am, no frills attached. I’ll probably become a hermit over the holiday. Cool.

This is probably ridiculously short for almost a week’s lapse in posting. Meh. I know that if I don’t do this now that I’ll forget about it again, and I really want to write all of what’s going on. Maybe I can look back on all of this one day and work out what’s really on my mind. Self-help and all that jazz.

Still two exams and finishing off my assignments to go.

On another note, I’m switching to my yummy Sam Tyler mood set. No, I’m not betraying the Doctor. I’ve just finished watching Life on Mars again, and it was just as sad as the first time. So, Sammy goodness. John Simm clearly isn’t as popular as he should be. He’s such a talented actor. *cough*andafox*cough*

That’s it. Until tomorrow, maybe.

Ciao for now.

~LN

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Wednesday the 14th

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:55:02 PM

Current Mood: Chipper

Right, yes, I know, this is technically Thursday now, but I'm writing for Wednesday, so bite me. As far as I work it out, if I haven't properly been to bed, then it still counts as all part of one day. Unless I stay away past six o'clock.

Right... Wednesday. Not a lot happened today. Generally writing utter crap, like always, desperate to stay in character. But, I managed to actually get some work done! As in, real work! The first draft of my assignment for Alan is finally done, so that's the bare bones to work up from. The theory is that I'll look at it tomorrow and do some editing, and then again over the weekend. Hopefully, that should tidy it up nicely. Meanwhile, I still need inspiration for Jill's piece. Gawd.

I feel a bit better about everything after I had a little meditation. It wasn't anything huge, just a chat with my guides, talking aloud... I feel better. They make things so much clearer for me, even if they make me realise how far I am from my real home, wherever that may be.

If I can get the connection back properly, I think my writing will improve. I say 'my writing,' but someone else has to help me. I mean, I can write for an hour, and have no idea what I've just typed. It's crazy. But maybe that's it. I think I'm possibly going insane. I joke about it, but I can feel it. Like there's something wriggling inside of me, gently gnawing away. I keep hearing things, which is weird. And not like what's on the other side of the wall, but other things. When I'm completely awake I can hear Mum saying something, or the dog barking. That's clearly not normal. Maybe I'm finally losing my grip on reality. Wow.

Anyway, I'm still pleased about getting this work done. Oh, and if I'm not out drinking and dancing tomorrow, I will be absolutely gutted. Come on, I finally actually started working, don't I deserve to go out? Please?

Oh, well.

~LN

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Tuesday the 13th of May

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 5:09:44 PM

Current Mood: Listless

I thought it was about time to write my 'diary' entry for today. Yes, I know that I technically gave that last post this morning, but I'm going to pretend that was yesterday. Because I'm a rebel, clearly.

So. Today. I was asked to hand in Becky's assignment for her today. I didn't mind, of course. I had nothing else that I had to do - bar work. Anyway, she woke me at eight this morning, because she was heading off to Alton Towers. I don't mind helping people out, of course not, but then I realised that she probably only asked me to do it because I'm one of those people that gets walked all over all the time. I'm probably reading too much into it, but I'm always the one without plans, aren't I? Hanging around larger groups for the entertainment value. Nice.

Had no food so I walked to the shop. I spoke with that girl, Amy. I met her on the second day of coming to uni, and we talked for ages back then. She opened up, telling me everything. I think she had to get it off her chest, and I was there. You know, the pirate who obviously was worse off than you. Or vaguely normal enough to keep quiet. Every time I see her, I feel a little bit sick. It's not her fault, though, it's mine. I just think about how much I want to say things, and how she was able to be so candid like that. I had only known her for hours before I understood a dark piece of her life. Months have passed, years for some of my friends, and I only let out the things that bubble to the top.

That's the difference, isn't it? People know that they can trust me. I'm trustworthy, I know that. But can't trust anyone else. Mum said to trust 90% the other day. I think I can trust my closest friends about 60%. 60-70%. After being stabbed in the back and to my face, the stats have lowered, I'm afraid.

Oh, and I'm still not Scottish. Not. Scottish.

I have no plans tonight. Unless someone rings and begs me to come out, I'm staying in to join DI Sam Tyler and DCI Gene Hunt to forget about everything. I wish I could travel in time. Maybe then I could make a real fresh start.

~LN

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Refreshed.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 12:51:22 AM

explanation, hello, blog

Current Mood: Productive

Well, then.

Basically, I must have started this blog coming up to a year ago. It was supposed to help stress and whatever, and then I got horrifically sidetracked with everything to keep it up. I managed four posts in four days though, which was a start. Hopefully, this stupid thing is going to be something I'm going to work on for as long as it takes.

Psychologists and counsellors often recommend blogs - or diaries or whatever - to people who suffer from sadness and depression. If you put your honest feelings down and look back over them later, you can rationalise exactly what was going on at the time, and then hopefully help yourself with your new knowledge. The mind isn't a bone to be pinned. Counsellors can guide, but you need to do to bulk of the work yourself. How's that for something inspirational at stupid o'clock in the morning?

My so-called 'journal' on DevArt was starting to annoy me. I only ever wrote something down when I thought I may physically burst if I didn't. And even then I managed to tame myself, and delete a hell of a lot before it was published on the net. I have posted a link from there to here on my latest entry, I must admit. If anyone cares that much about me to want to read what's in my mind, then they'll come here. Most won't, of course, and that's the beauty of it. I can pretend it doesn't exist. But I'll take time out of each day - or every other day - to write here, and see where I'm going. Even if it's just five minutes, to get into the habit of 'blogging.'

You were hoping for something more juicy? Not yet. I'm not into this properly. Meh.

~LN

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