Wednesday, November 23, 2011 12:00:00 PM
Welcome to On Many Subjects
, my award winning* sitcom.
People ask me if this stuff is true, and I tell them, "True enough."
Visit my Personal Website
Visit my Avon Sales Website.
New Cast of Characters for the new season of the Daily Breakfast Show--
Just like your office only funnier:
Dorothy: Coworker "There's no place like home"
Scarecrow: Coworker "If I only had a brain"
Toto: Receptionist "Grrrrr"
Tin Man: Supervisor "If I only had a heart"
Oz: Fearless Leader "I am the great and powerful Oz"
Bro: Brother at home-- My Big Bother
Scarecrow says: You just can't make this stuff up
*I haven't actually won awards yet, but I decided to put that in so I won't have to change my page when it happens.
Thursday, December 8, 2011 10:03:35 PM
My computer died at home. The hard-drive is gone, gone, gone.
So, for the past week, I have been using only my computer at work.
So... here are the lyrics to the Blues Song I am composing
I used to have a computer
Thought I had the Holy Grail
Now, I have nothing
To check on my email.
I got the no-computer-havin' blues
(Insert Twangy Guitar)
Whatcha think? A hit?
Wednesday, November 23, 2011 1:13:25 PM
At work, the IT guys have blocked the shopping sites on the Internet. I can understand blocking the porn sites and even somewhat understand blocking game sites, but shopping???? I mean really!
They did this last year from about this time until after New Years because, of course, people are going to spend all day, every day shopping instead of working. (Not) I guess it is okay to surf as long as you don't buy anything.
But, you may ask, how did I discover this if I was shopping instead of working? I DO get a lunch break and yes, I do surf the shopping sites -- Clothes, shoes, hats, gloves, toys for grandchildren.
I am not the only one suffering from this lack...
Scarecrow: What the hell? They have blocked Amazon.
Me: That is so you can't spend the money you are earning from this company.
Dorothy: I'm going to email Oz and find out about this.
Me: NO! You email OZ and then he will know we are shopping instead of working.
Soop: He already knows if the shopping sites have been blocked.
Dorothy: I'm going to tell him that I was looking for his Christmas present during my lunch break and then, I couldn't get it.
Me: You get Oz a Christmas present?
Dorothy: Well, no, but I am going to tell him I was going to, but now I can't.
Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Scarecrow: I think shopping online when I get home is a better solution.
Soop: Or don't shop at all.
Me: That is my plan. No one gets anything for Christmas.
Ten minutes pass
Dorothy: Oz says he doesn't celebrate Christmas because he's Jewish, so he doesn't care if I get him a present or not.
Me: I can't believe you emailed him.
Dorothy: He loves me. Oh, wait! I just got another email. He wants to know what I was going to buy him.
Me: What are yolu going to tell him?
Dorothy: A car. I am going to tell him I was going to buy him a car.
Soop: He won't believe it. He knows how much he pays you.
Dorothy: Good point. OK. I am going to tell him I was going to buy him a gift certificate... to Amazon. So he could buy me a book for my Kindle.
Me: That's a Christmas present? Kind of a one-sided present, if you ask me.
Ten minutes pass
Dorothy: Oz said, "Don't worry about the gift certificate. I'll take cash. And I won't use it to buy you a present, because I don't buy presents for employees."
Me: He doesn't sound happy.
Dorothy: Then I replied: "You can start a lilac file cabinet fund with the cash." He wrote back, "Not likely."
Me: I am a little bit worried because Oz doesn't have anything to do other than emailing Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, he's in a board meeting and is very bored. He appreciates the distraction, I'm sure.
Soop: It must be very lonely at the top.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011 12:18:50 PM
It has been way too long since I posted a picture of the Divine Miss M, but here she is, in all her preciousness, with her Mom.
Friday, November 18, 2011 6:02:45 PM
Oz: Our university is below the national average for students defaulting on their student loans after graduation. That is amazing! Well done, team!
Soop: Does that mean we are almost your favorite department now?
Me: Awesome! We are almost number one.
Oz: You don't want to be number one.
Me: Why not?
Oz: It's way too much pressure.
Soop: That's right. You have to keep performing at 120%
Oz: That's why I tell people, "I don't want to be your best friend. I don't mind being in the top five, but I don't want to be the BEST friend." Way too much pressure.
Thursday, November 3, 2011 12:17:06 PM
Dorothy: I sent Oz an email and told him that today is my second anniversary at the university
Me: Today is your anniversary? Happy anniversary!
Dorothy: Yeah, he reponded with, "God help us all."
Dorothy: I wrote back and said, "I will take that to mean 'Happy Anniversary.'"
Dorothy: He replied with "You understand me so well."
Me: You both are pretty silly.
Soop: Did you tell him we still need a printer.
Dorothy: No. But I will.
Soop: He said we would have a printer by the end of the summer. That would be now. It is freaking 60 degrees in here until they finally turn on the heat.
Ten minutes pass
Dorothy: Oz says to consider this our endless summer. And then he said, "Don't forget. You ARE my second favorite department."
Soop: I guess that's what happens when we are his second favorite department.
Me: How do we get to be the number one department?
Soop: Well, for one thing, Dorothy needs to stop sending silly emails.
Dorothy: Oz loves them.
Me: Or so we hope
Soop: Well, at least Dorothy stopped asking for a lilac file cabinet.
Scarecrow: You people are out of control
Soop: I think I am going to make a sign that says: "We're Number Two!"
Me: But second place means we are losers. We are not in first place.
Soop: Ok. Then we follow it up with, "We try harder."
Me: That's already been used.
Soop: You're right. How about: Number Two and Climbing.
Me: That could work.
Soop: Dorothy, do you have any more of those colored Sharpies?
Scarecrow: You people need supervision.
Monday, October 31, 2011 5:08:37 PM
Apparently, clothes right out of my closet make me look like I am wearing a "That lady whose Mom lived with them on the Golden Girls" Halloween Costume. (Bea Arthur if you are wondering who that is)
I may need to alter my style.
Sunday, October 30, 2011 3:47:53 PM
How's this for a really good idea?
Parents: If you want to make certain that your daughter or son doesn't get involved too soon with opposite sex, upon meeting the object of your child's affection for the first time, simply say. "It is nice to finally meet you. I wanted to apologize to you for walking in on you when you and [insert child's name] were making out."
After the object of your child's affection leaves because they think your child cheated on them, your child will say, "I never made out with him/her in my life and now, I never will."
Smile, in that wise parent way you have and say, "I know."
Thursday, October 27, 2011 11:16:56 AM
I obviously have too much work to do because I am not paying attention to the humor around me. It is not that I have many more students to care for, it is that there is a ton of extra paper tht goes with each one. Everyday it seems as if they add another form or two for these poor students to fill out. If that is not bad enough, the powers that be change forms which means we have to go back to the existing students and get new editions of old forms signed.
And this is a PAPERLESS office. I have generated more paper in my paperless office than I ever did in a non-paperless office.
Yesterday, I got to work at 9:36... I was supposed to be there at 9:30. I didn't get a lunch break until 5:08... a time when most people are heading home. I left at 7:04 pm. I did eat a sandwich/snack about 2:30.
And I have the nerve to wonder why I am too tired to laugh.
I did have a nice opportunity to laugh this past weekend when I went to visit some friends I knew from Florida who now live in Tennessee that I haven't seen in about 15 yearts. We had great times together and we laughed until sides hurt remembering some of the "mishcheif" we got ourselves into. Thanks for that Bob and Velma!
It started when we were trying to coordinate the meet-up because they were going to be in my area for just one evening and the following day. She emailed me, I emailed back. She emailed me, I emailed back. She texted me, I texted back. I called her and left a message. She called and left a voicemail. Finally, we talked on the phone and it was, "What about..." "Meeting there is better..." "How about..."
Finally, I said to her, sarcastically, "We planned this really well, Velma."
She said, "I know. Just like old times."
Saturday, October 22, 2011 11:28:50 AM
I just want to point out that Opera was not my firend for at least a couple of days this week when I tried to post things that happened at work and elsewhere, but it refused to cooperate with me. I could not stay logged in to the page. Any time I did anything... like try to write a new post, I was unable to post it because Opera would log me out.
It is apparently all better now.
News of the week:
I was under the weather for a few days with the flu, but I seem to have weathered the storm, to use a clever metaphor. Then, when feeling much better, I went to my doctor for a regular follow-up because he gave me a new prescription and wanted to make certain I wasn't growing hair on the palms of my hands or anything else weird.
Because my insurace company stinks, I cannot get blood work done at the doctor's office, but I have to go to a lab. The women there are, in my experience, as close to incompetent as anyone I have ever encountered. They lost the paperwork for my doctor, so he still knows nothing more now than he did before. So, I have to go back a second time to have the same procedure done again, by the same incompetent people. This happened once before and when I mentioned it to the girl to please be extra careful because I didn't want to have to come back yet again, she threw the vial with my blood in it onto the counter and stormed out of the room. What????? The manager of the place came in and fussed at me for upsetting the little girl. I was like, "Hey, wait a minute! YOU people are the ones who lost my last specimen and/or paperwork. I didn't take it with me and drop it in the trash on the way out the door. All I did was to ask your princess if she would be careful because I am totally not into needles and pain and all that stuff and I really didn't want to have to come back here. I am certain, with your bad attitude, you will agree that seeing me as little as possible is a real plus in your life."
Not surprisingly, she agreed. I will never understand how it was MY fault that they lost paperwork and/or a specimen. What ever happened to customer service? What happened to human decency? What happened to saying "I am really sorry this happened. We will try to be extra careful."
Also, I embarassed my doctor, which was totally unintentional. My stinky insurance comapny told me I had to go to a different doctor, and I was definately not happy with that decision. Because the thinking is if you go to another doctor, then anything you have wrong with you miraculously goes away and somehow starts again as if you never had that ailment before in your life.
Twice I have been through this, where I changed doctors, then the insurance company tells them, well she can't have drugs for her arthritis that she was taking before... give her Tylenol. While Tylenol is a wonderful product and I do not object to taking it, it is hardly what I need to combat the aches and pains I live with everyday. So, for a year, I had to take nothing but Tylenol, which doesn't help Rheumatoid Arthritis very much. Only when I had reached a point where I was unable to function as a human being becaue of insufficient pharmacuetical help the insurance company agreed to pay for something a little stronger. But, they only pay for very low dose and make me work into the level where I should be. This process will take up to 3 years.
The insurance company saves money because they can delay paying for the really expensive drugs and save themselves a lot of money. Without my insurance company's help, I could not pay for the drugs that I am taking now on my own. I don't know which is worse... the insurance company or the drug company.
So, long story short, I called the insurance company and had words with a couple of people until they changed me back to the doctor I had before.
Also, the guy is a good doctor in that he really listens when a patient talks and seems to care about the overall well-being of the his patients. He has been at this a long time. The pictures hanging on the walls in his exam rooms are old and faded and at least 30 years out of date. That doesn't deter me in the least. Worn pictures on the walls tells me he is not worried about spending money on decor. That way, he won't have to pass the extra cost of fine decorating on to his patients. Thoughtful.
When I told him all of this, he said I embarassed him, which embarassed me because my reasons were not totally altruistic.
I got my hair cut yesterday and it is pretty darn short. But, it is also cute. It is a fact, that I am worried about my own comfort and could care less what any one else thinks. It is my hair and I am the one who cares for it on a day to day basis. The next time I get the crazy idea of maybe letting it grow a bit, I would like one of you to smack me in the back of the head.
I must go to the grocery store when I leave work today. Only a handful of things on the list: Cooking oil, milk, tea, bananas and bleach.
I often wonder what the check-out person things when they see an odd combination of items on the counter. Likely "What in the world does she have planned for the weekend?"
Saturday, October 22, 2011 10:39:21 AM
Soop: The IT guy asked me why it was so quiet in here this morning. I told him it's because Scarecrow wasn't here, yet.
Scarcrow: Listen to him, over there talking trash.
Soop: Just trying to fit in.
scarecrow: You just can't make this stuff up.
Thursday, October 13, 2011 5:20:52 PM
It is an established fact that if you look at a bank that has a digital time and weather display as you are driving past at a reasonable speed, you will ALWAYS see the one you are not interested in at the time.
Monday, October 10, 2011 1:56:13 PM
Me: I had a brain-storm.
Brother: That is scary.
Me: Stop it. It is a really cool idea.
Bro: OK. What is it?
Me: I put my yarn balls in the basket that used to have hand towels in it.
Bro: So, what is the brain-storm?
Me: That was it.
Bro: That wasn't a storm. It was more like a brain-pleasant afternoon shower.
Bro: It was a brain-drizzle.
Bro: It was a brain-sprinkle.
Me: Okay. You made your point. Not a great idea among my many ideas.
Bro: All you did was re-purpose the basket.
Me: I know.
Bro: You took a basket that had fully made towels in it and put in yarn balls which are essentially just long pieces of string in a pre-towel state. It was a giant step-backward for the basket.
Me: But doesn't it look cool?
Bro: It looks like a basket with a bunch of yarn in it.
Me: You have no aesthetic sense.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011 7:58:09 PM
I must be the same pen-type as half the student population because student's FREQUENTLY steal my pens. They can take the cute ones the school provides and I wouldn't care, but they don't. They come in a variety of colors--red, blue, and green.
People prefer taking my BIC(tm) Crystal pens. I can't really blame them. I prefer the Crystal, myself
Monday, September 26, 2011 4:57:08 PM
I can deal with new rules as well as anyone, but really, changing ALL the rules in one day, in one fell swoop, is ridiculous.
Switching from a student-centric culture to a money-centric culture in one day will never work... well, not without a lot of screaming and crying and pulling out one's hair. On my part. That is not to mention how the student's will react to our now Pay-Up-Or-Get-Out policy of bill collection.
I am still trying to wrap my head these changes.
And still practicing my new speil.
Me: OK. This is a copy of your new payment schedule for your tuition.
UNSUSPECTING-STUDENT: Payment schedule? I thought I didn't have to make loan payments until after I graduate.
Me: This is part of your tuition, not your student loans. The payments come right off the top so you have to borrow less money.
US: What if I don't want to make payments.
Me: You don't have a choice.
US: But, why not? I never had to make payments before.
Me: No one did, but you do now.
US: Now, let's just assume that the payment is optional.
Me: We can't do that. The payment is not optional.
US: But, let's say it was, would I still have to make the payments?
Me: The payments are not optional. They are mandatory.
US: But, if they were optional, would I still have to make the payments?
Me: You are NOT going to get me to say the payments are option, hypothetically, or otherwise. I say, hypothetically, the payments are optional and then you take that ball and run with it and start telling everyone that I said the payments are optional when I did not say that, at all, so I will not say that, Mr. You-are-not-nearly-as-clever-as-you-think-you-are --I thought to myself.
Me: (Aloud, I said) The payments are not optional. The payments are mandatory, just as I have indicated more than once in the past few minutes.
US: But, I can't pay that much.
Me: How much can you pay?
Me: That is not an option, either. You have to make a payment. It is in investment in your future. It is an investment in your education. What is your edcuation worth to you?
US: About thirty years of student loan payments AFTER I get out of school.
There was no answer for that.
Thursday, September 22, 2011 9:59:48 PM
Student 1: I bought a house, today.
Student 2: Really?
1: Well actually, the bank agree to let me live in their house for the next thirty years.
2: So you really did it?
1: Yes. I had the incredible urge to eat nothing but Ramen and to buy nothing that cost more than a Pez dispenser until my kids have kids of their own.
2: Homeownership. It's the American dream.
1: I kinda wish I still rented.
Thursday, September 22, 2011 12:16:37 PM
I really wish I had taken my mother's advice and become a lottery winner.
Thursday, September 22, 2011 11:28:56 AM
You probably have already heard this one, but I ran across it this morning...
Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”
Thursday, September 15, 2011 8:16:55 PM
Imagine it is the first thing in the morning and landlord is pounding on the door while you are in the shower. Imagine your Bro was still sleeping. Now, Imagine you had contacted the landlord to come to the apartment to fix the air conditioner that was pouring copious amounts of water onto the carpet in the hallway upstairs the day before and he said he would come to the apartment to fix it but didn't specify when.
Imagine you find your bathrobe and your pad down the stairs, hair dripping and leaving a trail of soapy water on the steops. Imagine you pull the door open and there is no one there when a moment before there was loud pounding. Imagine you close the door and you cannot believe that there is actually no one there, so you pull the door open again and there is the landlord, with his pass key in hand and a very startled look on his face. Imagine he says, "Oh, good morning. I didn't think anyone was here."
Imagine you unnecessarily explain that you were in the shower, a place you would love to return to as soon as possible. Imagine your landlord saying, "Well I need to work on the air conditioner. Is your brother here?"
Imagine you answer, "Yes, but he is still asleep."
Imagine the landlord then says, "When no one answered, I thought no one was here. I didn't see your car."
Imagine you reply, "I had to park my car up the hill because all the spaces in front of my apartment were taken by the time I got home last night."
Now, imagine that you get back into the shower, the landlord fixes the air conditioner and your Bro comes out of the bedroom, full of lots of foul language because someone dared to wake him up before noon and imagine you respond that if he had a job like normal people instead of mooching off his sister, he wouldn't have to worry about being woken up the first thing in the morning. Imagine he replies he would have been woken up if he worked the night shift somewhere. Imagine you tell him to be quiet because it is a moot point because he doesn't have a job and using all kinds of bad language because he was woken up is stupid because he can go back to sleep while his sister goes out and earns a living, giving him the opportunity to sleep his miserable life away. Imagine you are in a bad mood and it is getting worse every second.
Now, imagine that you get ready for work and walk up the hill to retreive your car and you find it has a VERY flat tire and you have to call roadside assistance becuase you own a truck with oversize tires and the jack you have in your truck will not jack the truck up enough to be able to change the tire. Imagine that you are completely broke because it is five days before payday and you cannot afrod to buy a new tire at that moment and the only tire you have to put on your car is the one that failed inspection just two months before.
Imagine having to drive to work on a tire that may or may not last for five days until you can get a new one until you can get a new one on payday.
Imagine you are an hour late for work, you miss your first appointment and your supervisor is irritated because he had to step in for you. Imagine the coffee at work is terrible, there is paint fumes everywhere because they are still remodeling the school and your head starts to ache. Imagine you have two twitching eyes and you notice that your eyes only twitch when you are at work and you wonder if maybe you should have stayed home, today.
If you can imagine all of that, then you know how my day started.
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