On Many Subjects

I was breaking the law anyway because I was talking to one of my kids on the cell phone while driving and showing proper concern when he said he passed out during a Physical Test in the military. It was dehydration, so readers, don't worry.

Me: Are you all right?
Kid: Sure. An hour later I finished the PT test.
Me: OK. Good. But, you went to the doctor, right?
Kid: All the guys in my unit picked me up and carried me to medical, so I didn't have a choice.
Me: What did they say?
Kid: It was just dehydration and a lack of sleep. They gave me some water to drink.
Me: GreatJumpingLeapingHoppingScreamingLizards!
Kid: It's not that bad.
Me: There is a BigHairyUglyEightLeggedSpider in the car with me.
Kid: What did you say? I didn't understand you. I am all right, seriously.
Me: Holy crap! HOLY CRAP!!!! Ohmygod! It is hanging from the mirror.
Kid: Mom? are you there?
Me: (Yelling) Hang on, I dropped the phone!

What happened afterward is the stuff of legends. Amid a torrent of swearing and screaming and squealing, I finally pulled over to the side of the road. Oh, did I mention I was on the Interstate? In the rain? In high winds? In the middle of that weird low pressure system that is hanging off the east coast of the United States? Then, a policeman stops behind me.

I hear a knock on the window and immediately think that spider made the noise. Not logical, I agree.

Cop: Are you all right?
Me: NO! There is a spider in here and now I can't find it.
Cop: (smiling) A spider?
Me: Yes. A big brown spider about the size of a dinner plate.
Cop: They don't get that big in Virginia.
Me: Maybe it is an alien.
Cop: Where did you last see it?
Me: In my car.
Cop: Very funny. Where in your car?
Me: Hanging from the mirror.
Cop: It's not there, now.
Me: Don't go getting all logical on me.
Cop: How can I help.

Now, imagine the next scene:

You are behind the an SUV that is parked along the side of the Interstate and a cop has his head stuck inside the driver's door. Suddenly, the SUV begins bouncing like twelve kids on a prom date are in the back and going at it. The cop jumps backward as the door is flung open and a woman with wild red hair jumps out of the car. The cop pulls his gun and the woman hides behind him for protection.

Cop: Holy Crap! That thing IS as big as a dinner plate.
Me: I told you!
Cop: We have to kill it.
Me: Ya think?
Cop: What do you suggest?
Me: You have a gun. Shoot it.
Cop: I may damage your car.
Me: I don't care. The spider has to go.
Cop: Wait... is that a napkin? I can squish it.
Me: Good idea!

Bravely, the cop squishes the spider with the napkin, announces the spider is dead and it is safe for me to continue on my way.

So, I get back into the car, strap myself in and somewhere on the floor, I hear a tiny voice: Mom? Mom, are you there?

I find my phone and pick it up.

Me: Hello?
Kid: Mom? Are you all right?
Me: Yes. Why?
Kid: I heard a lot of banging and screaming and yelling and then, was that gun fire?
Me: Well, the spider is now dead. And that is the most important thing. Now, tell me about your trip to the doctor.