On Many Subjects

We are doing the same thing with a dog right now. Obviously, he can't put drops in his own eyes but it still takes 2 of us to get the job done. One to hold the eye open and the other one dispenses the drops. You need help.

Ha. You could be onto something: "I think it is just to keep the patient occupied while the oral antibiotics work their magic." It may be even more multi-layered than that, however, when you consider that many people believe that antibiotics themselves are only provided to distract the patient as nature works its magic. I digress.

Hello.

Don't worry, I reckon you're not alone in finding eye drops ridiculously hard to self-administer. Personally speaking, I'm incapable of such a thing and need to be pinned to the ground by an able-bodied assistant and have the thing done for me (a bit like Sal's dog). And even if one manages to aim in the right direction, of course, an automatic blink mechanism tends to make the eyelids receive more than their fair share of the "medicine". A messy, messy business.

Kind regards etc....

there should be some kind of contraption (if not you could invent it and become fabulously rich ) It would be a cup shaped thingy with a hole in the bottom in which you could invert the dropper bottle. Place the whole thing on the affected eye and squeeze

That sounds like a plan, Sal.

It's almost impossible to believe that this incredible device you have surely just patented before our very eyes won't lead to breathtaking riches, universal admiration and, dare I say it, Nobel prizes falling like confetti around our hallowed feet. (You'll appreciate my use of the word "our" there, I hope, as I seem to have muscled in on the action, desperate for a slice of the "winnings".)

Going back a bit....

You mentioned previously that your dog needed to have his eye drops put in for him (by two human-shaped objects). The more I think of it, you know, the more I'm starting to believe that my own dog is probably clever enough to administer her own eye drops. I'm just saying.

(Sorry, I'm one of those insufferable dog-bores who bangs on about the unique brilliance of his own dog whilst gently casting aspersions on other people's pets. It's called Competitive Parent Syndrome, I believe. Just avert your gaze for the next paragraph if you find it too much to bear, okay? Good.)

In fact, given how very clever and special my dog is, Sal, I'm thinking that the next time Kay Four goes to see the doctor for some eye medicine, she may very well find that her prescription is written and dispensed by a black Labrador called Emma. That's how clever she is.

Oh dear, apologies all round. I seem to have strayed dramatically from the point. I'll go and lie down somewhere cool and will surely learn from my mistake.

Kind regards etc (to both).....

A tragedy, Kay Four, that we should find ourselves so quickly sworn to eternal enmity, an absolute tragedy. And here’s me just minding my own business, as well, perfectly friendly, casually denouncing all and sundry. Tsk.

Before we exchange (too much) gunfire and/or bayonet each other to shreds in an excitingly deranged orgy of violence, however, I think it may fairly be noted that I also happen to be the (reasonably) proud owner of two cats. This doesn’t stop me from loving this particular poem by Peter Porter, however.

If you fail to smile (even thinly), Kay Four, then it becomes ever more apparent that we shall, indeed, need to fight to the very death.

Here, just to frighten you, is a picture of my fearsome dog. We make a formidable army, Ms Four, and we march at dawn. Prepare to know what it means to feel the pain of defeat.

The Rule 
of Dogs shall last a thousand years…..

Kind regards (and blood-curdling threats, obviously) etc....

Amazingless

Hmm. The link to the picture of my dog didn't seem to work. Baffling.

I'll try again, hang on....

Here we are.

Did it work?

No, it didn't. Good grief.

Well, I've probably made more than enough of a fool of myself to be getting on with, so I'll leave you be. But still.

Most females sit down to pee, Ms Four? But this suggests, of course, that some don’t. Good heavens. If I had one, you know, my mind would be boggling. Anyway, I think we should probably leave this line of enquiry well alone - before it becomes morally untidy.

Moving swiftly on, although I’m still peering over my shoulder, bathed in fear, obviously......

I take on board all that you say (and threaten) and note, with grudging approval, that you seem happy to admit to discussing issues of great import with your cats. Ah, through the mists of an ancient hatred, Ms Four, and as we square up to each other on a blood-soaked battlefield intent on both murder and bickering, it’s always good to see that an adversary picks her advisors carefully. Even as a dog-lover, I find myself debating all manner of issues with my cats – so we have this in common, at least. All sensible, morally upright, mentally competent people seek the advices of their pets. Stands to reason, no? I’m not sure how I would have bought my house, otherwise, never mind choosing who to vote for in an election.

But wait, before I go, what’s this: “Dogs smell bad and they drool...”

Ha. Who doesn’t? (Take a look at any sports crowd, for example, and you'll soon enough see that to lay this charge exclusively at the doors of dogs is an oversight, to say the least.)

Right, enough of such idle banter. I have a feeling I’ll be back to say “hello” on another post some time soon. Regrettably, I will be both polite and charming as I do so (damn my good-breeding, damn my innate decency, damn my inability to engage in an internet slanging match). You'll know - we'll know - however, that beneath the polished and attractive facade lies a seething enmity that can barely be sated by blood.

I'm just saying.

Kind regards etc....

Amazingless