On Many Subjects

Friend: Halloween sucks.
Me: Why would you say that?
F: Because only kids get the candy.
Me: If you want candy you can buy it, you know.
F: Not the same thing.
Me: Wny not?
F: It tastes better when its free.
Me: Here, take this piece.
F: Great! Very yummy. Except I don't like starlight mints.
Me: Then why did you take it from me?
F: To remind me how fun Halloween used to be. It was kinda like Trick-or-Treat.
Me: Very weird. And you aren't wearing a costume and you didn't say Trick-or-Treat.
F: Halloween sucks. And now, I am depressed, too. I just wanna be a kid again.
Me: Wait a few years and Alzheimer's may give you your wish.
F: Good point.

I just read this one: If the English Language made any sense at all, then lackadaisical would seem to have something to do with a shortage of flowers--Doug Larson

I have discovered that I have to screw up, royally, at least twice a day to remain humble. Fortunatley that is no problem.

I ran across an ad on the Internet for a clever little device, called a "Go-Girl." What is a Go-Girl? It is a pink collapsable funnel that allows a woman to unrinate while standing up without dribbling down her legs and into her terribly expensive Gucci shoes.

I was like, WTF?

Then, I thought about this for a moment and realized that being able to pee while standing up could one of the greatest feminine liberators since those crazy Libbers in the 70s burned their bras. If you are on a bender and are walking home from the bar, you don't have to squat behind the dumpster to pee, you can stand up and whiz all over like a man! If you are in a particularly dirty public bathroom and don't want to sit, then, go ahead and use your Go-Girl.

When you are done, you can put your urine soaked Go-Girl back inside of your very expensive, but cute, Coach bag right next to the Trident Gum and terribly over-priced iPhone. Imagine your friends when they rummage around in your purse to find a brush for a final touch-up before going into the hottest club in town:

"Gross! I bet you keep your diaphram in here, too."

I dunno.

Personally, I think I would much rather NOT carry around a Go-Girl. I think using my gluts as God intended is a superior solution. Unless hiking the Pike or traisping through a third world jungle. Realisticly, I think the only place it would be a good idea to use a Go-Girl would be to protect yhour nether regions when camping so as to avoid squatting on poison ivy when nature calls.

Still, they MUST have a great tag line. "You Go-Girl!"

OK, so I started physical therapy because my I had a backache for something like two years and I was getting damned grouchy about it. I was even grouchier when the doctor told me it was from "normal wear and tear." NORMAL? Is he kidding me? Normal to scream in agony when you sit and normal to scream in agony again when you stand up? If it was normal, wouldn't everyone be doing it?

So, I started physical therapy and amazingly, my back feels better. I love going to the heated salt-water spa pool with the fuzzy jets in the water and doing nice, tame exercises. My arthritic body loves the state of weightlessness, so much so, I am thinking of moving to the International Space Station.

Meanwhile, back in the pool... I was going through my exercise routine and, as previously stated, my back feels really good, but my FREAKING knees have started hurting to beat the band. I mean hurting to the point I am screaming in agony when I stand up and screaming in agony when I sit down.

Somehow, I find it difficult to see how my situation has improved.

I went BACK to the doctor-Dr. Eye-Candy if you are interested because I firmly believe if one must visit a doctor, then visit a very pretty one and Dr. Eye-Candy is so very pretty. Dr. Candy tells me my knees hurting is because of normal wear and tear. WTF?

Me: You have got to be kidding me? It is not normal for someone to scream in agony when they sit and normal to scream in agony again when they stand up. I mean, I have been waiting to see you for nearly forty-five minutes and plenty of people stood up and sat down and there was barely any screaming at all
Dr. Eye-Candy:.....
Me: So, how is this normal?
Dr: It is normal for someone with RA (rhuematoid arthritis)
Me: So, what do we do?
Dr: Eventually, knee replacement, but not for a couple of years.
Me: So what do I do in the meantime? Scream in agony on a regular basis?
Dr: No. We can give you cortisone injections.
Me:.....
Dr: Really, it will make you feel better... we think.
Me:.....
Dr: All we have to do it stick a needle in your knee...
Me: Now wait just a cotton picking minute. How can sticking a needle in my knee make it feel better?
Dr: It just will.

OK. Maybe he isn't big on explanations, but he certainly is pretty to look at. And he was right. Sticking a needle in my knee does make it feel better as long as I don't think about being stuck in the knee with a needle too closely.

The big question on everyone's mind is, when will property values appreciate, again? You are not the only person asking that question. Real Estate professionals all across the country are wondering the same thing because the real truth is, no one really knows. No one can predict the end of the crisis.




America and Americans need to change their perspective on real estate to bring about a real end to the real estate crisis. Think about this: Real estate today is as worthless as the dollar.

Think about times past, to your parents or your grandparents. In the 40s and 50s, couples lived with Mom and Dad while they were "courting." During this time, they both worked to save up their 20% down payment on their dream home. They were investing in America. Since that time, that investment in America has been devalued because of credit and the easy access to it.

Not only has real estate been devalued because of credit, but the dollar has suffered the same fate. We assess value on an item's ability to be bought and sold rather than what has been invested in that item.

To give you an example. Two years ago, a person could have bought a house that cost $800,000. The owner of the house would have less than 5% invested in his property. Where is that homeowner today? Had the homeowner put down 20%, he would own a valuable asset. The home has REAL value and the homeowner is much more careful about moving that asset around.

Putting only 5% down, the asset becomes disposable and so does the real estate market.

America needs to get back to solid buying and selling principals. This will strengthen home values and the dollar. The American Dream has become an American Nightmare and this country can only be rebuilt by hard working Americans, and not by Wall Street.

Karen Vertigan Pope writes for http://www.FindBuyers.com and http://www.FindHomeBuyers.com, a unique approach to buying and selling real estate in the Mid-Atlantic region. We match buyers and sellers, much like a dating site, using a 30 point matching system that assures you will find exactly the right home for your needs.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karen_Vertigan_Pope

Me: My car is making a funny noise.
Repairman: Then, turn the raido off.
Me: Oh, you're one of those funny car repairmen.
Rep: No, not really.
Me: I was making a joke
Rep: Wasn't very funny.
Me: Give me my keys. I am going to get this fixed somehwere else, you Stupid, no-sense-of-humor-having, butt-crack-showing, dirty-too-small-blue jeans-wearing, front-teeth-missing, jazz-music-hating asshole.

Just so everyone knows, it is not just family who got upset by things I said, but friends, too. OPERA friends, to be precise.

So, henceforth, I am going to write what I think and feel because there is no way to keep everyone happy, and I am not going to try... even at the possibility of loosing fans.

I have become positively BORING in my blog.

I have a blogger blog and one of the ladies who regularly comments there said, "If someone gets mad at me because I poked fun at them, then I poke even MORE fun at them." Not bad advice, really.

It is sad that I have lost some good friends and I don't even know why. There was a case a few months ago where someone stopped commenting on my blog because someone else said I said something bad about them. It was a case of he said, she said, he said. The person, who I thought was a friend, stopped commenting on my blog, when I actually said NOTHING to ANYBODY about ANYONE here on Opera. I don't have time to play those kind of gossipy games. It was sad really. I almost never send PMs to anyone (and that is verifiable with Opera) and if I had a problem with someone on here (which I haven't ever had a problem with any of my friends) I would confront that individual, directly.

So, being the vicitm of gossip from an unknown quarter, I decided to take the low road and stay quietly in the corner. I am not doing that any longer because I would go for days and not blog at all. I would think, "Well, I can't say that or this one will get angry. I can't say that because that one will get angry. Oh, here is a nice safe innocuous subject. Maybe I will blog about that, even though it is so boring it is making me go to sleep."

Therefore, if you happen to get your feelings hurt by something I say in my blog, then YOU are the one with the problem, and not me. If you choose to listen to something someone else says and you are not a big enough person to ask me if it is true or not, then YOU are the one with the problem. If you decide to never read my blog again, then that is your choice and it will not effect my life in any way. My life will go on and I will continue to find funny things everywhere. I will even report them to the world in this blog. If you want to have some fun, stop by and see what if going on in my life and around me. Maybe you'll get a laugh or two along the way.

Me: What is that on the radio?
CoWorker: It is Lily Allen singing Alfie
Me: It sounds like a polka.
CW: It does, a little. I'm not digging it.
Me: It is a polka. You only hear polkas at weddings... right after everyone does the chicken dance.
CW: My nephew announced that he learned the chicken dance and the Macarena.
Me: He was bragging about that?
CW: He is five. I told him he was all set when he gets married.
Me: Who ever decided that the chicken dance and the macarena were great wedding dances? Or the polka for that matter?
CW: I dunno.
Me: When we get married again, we should insist on no chicken dance.
CW: We get married?
Me: That wasn't a proposal. Besides you are still married to your husband.
CW: Well, the way you said it...
Me: ....
CW: You did say it like you and I were getting married.
Me: But, I didn't mean it that way.
CW: Maybe we should get married.
Me: Yeah, maybe we should. We are far less trouble than men.