On Many Subjects

Me: I had a brain-storm.
Brother: That is scary.
Me: Stop it. It is a really cool idea.
Bro: OK. What is it?
Me: I put my yarn balls in the basket that used to have hand towels in it.
Bro: So, what is the brain-storm?
Me: That was it.
Bro: That wasn't a storm. It was more like a brain-pleasant afternoon shower.
Me:....
Bro: It was a brain-drizzle.
Me:....
Bro: It was a brain-sprinkle.
Me: Okay. You made your point. Not a great idea among my many ideas.
Bro: All you did was re-purpose the basket.
Me: I know.
Bro: You took a basket that had fully made towels in it and put in yarn balls which are essentially just long pieces of string in a pre-towel state. It was a giant step-backward for the basket.
Me: But doesn't it look cool?
Bro: It looks like a basket with a bunch of yarn in it.
Me: You have no aesthetic sense.

Imagine it is the first thing in the morning and landlord is pounding on the door while you are in the shower. Imagine your Bro was still sleeping. Now, Imagine you had contacted the landlord to come to the apartment to fix the air conditioner that was pouring copious amounts of water onto the carpet in the hallway upstairs the day before and he said he would come to the apartment to fix it but didn't specify when.

Imagine you find your bathrobe and your pad down the stairs, hair dripping and leaving a trail of soapy water on the steops. Imagine you pull the door open and there is no one there when a moment before there was loud pounding. Imagine you close the door and you cannot believe that there is actually no one there, so you pull the door open again and there is the landlord, with his pass key in hand and a very startled look on his face. Imagine he says, "Oh, good morning. I didn't think anyone was here."

Imagine you unnecessarily explain that you were in the shower, a place you would love to return to as soon as possible. Imagine your landlord saying, "Well I need to work on the air conditioner. Is your brother here?"

Imagine you answer, "Yes, but he is still asleep."

Imagine the landlord then says, "When no one answered, I thought no one was here. I didn't see your car."

Imagine you reply, "I had to park my car up the hill because all the spaces in front of my apartment were taken by the time I got home last night."

Now, imagine that you get back into the shower, the landlord fixes the air conditioner and your Bro comes out of the bedroom, full of lots of foul language because someone dared to wake him up before noon and imagine you respond that if he had a job like normal people instead of mooching off his sister, he wouldn't have to worry about being woken up the first thing in the morning. Imagine he replies he would have been woken up if he worked the night shift somewhere. Imagine you tell him to be quiet because it is a moot point because he doesn't have a job and using all kinds of bad language because he was woken up is stupid because he can go back to sleep while his sister goes out and earns a living, giving him the opportunity to sleep his miserable life away. Imagine you are in a bad mood and it is getting worse every second.

Now, imagine that you get ready for work and walk up the hill to retreive your car and you find it has a VERY flat tire and you have to call roadside assistance becuase you own a truck with oversize tires and the jack you have in your truck will not jack the truck up enough to be able to change the tire. Imagine that you are completely broke because it is five days before payday and you cannot afrod to buy a new tire at that moment and the only tire you have to put on your car is the one that failed inspection just two months before.

Imagine having to drive to work on a tire that may or may not last for five days until you can get a new one until you can get a new one on payday.

Imagine you are an hour late for work, you miss your first appointment and your supervisor is irritated because he had to step in for you. Imagine the coffee at work is terrible, there is paint fumes everywhere because they are still remodeling the school and your head starts to ache. Imagine you have two twitching eyes and you notice that your eyes only twitch when you are at work and you wonder if maybe you should have stayed home, today.

If you can imagine all of that, then you know how my day started.

Today, at the weekly meeting to discuss the pending new students...

Oz: I just thought of a great idea. We can use our existing ranking system to instill a sense of urgency in the new students. A rank of 3 means the student is 3 weeks away from being cancelled. 2 means 2 weeks away and 1 is 1 week away. That way be can track them a little better.
Me: Is that policy, going forth?
Oz: WE ARE MAKING POLICY, PEOPLE! (Slams hand down on conference table) Ouch! that really hurt.
Me: Making policy?
Oz: Yeah, that, too.

On this day in history, Bilbo made it to the Lonely Mountain and Luke and Laura got married. I don't think the two events are related.

Most of you know I have two cats, Evelyn and Tiki. I don't know the real reason behind it, but both of them decided to cough up hairballs at the same time. Of course, the hairball never comes right up. It requires two or three bouts of false alarms before the task is actually accomplished. From a human point of view, hearing that much retching in the middle of the night is almost too much to bare.

Well, when I awoke to a beautiful Saturday morning, I had to prance to the bathroom because of all the little presents left on the floor by the two cats. THEN, I cleaned up the mess on the floor which is one of the many joys of cat ownership (she types with sarcasm).

Which is not funny, at all. What is funny is my brother.

Bro: What's up with the cats?
Me: I don't know. Maybe it's something they ate.
B: I think they had a party and got commode-hugging drunk... only without the commode.

Later that same day, after, I complained about my tummy aching, likely because of the medication I am taking:

Bro: It is probably from second-hand hairballs.

My youngest's wife had her second baby, but I don't have any pictures, yet. He came in at 9.5 pounds and 22 inches long.

Got completed ticked off at my daughter who seems to feel it IS all right to yell at me on the phone because I had the audacity to ask her to call me. Of course, I haven't heasrd from her in about 2 months and I didn't know if was working or if she had a phone other than Skype, which she has to be on the computer to even answer it. Regardless, she still does NOT have permission to yell at me, EVER. And I told her this.

Very busy at work. Will I ever get caught up? I doubt it. And it is Saturday and gorgeous outside and I have to work, but I am going to visit the Divine Miss M this afternoon.

The ladies in this family definately have the "shopping gene." It has to be hereditary... a trait we all pass along to successive generations.

On the phone with the Divine Miss M (who is just 4)...

Me: What did you do, today?
M: I went shopping with Mommy.
Me: Where did you shop?
M: We went to two stores.
Me: Which ones?
M: We went to the clothes one and the dollar one*.



Note: Dollar General is the modern day equivalent of a Five and Dime.

If your kids and grandkids are coming over for dinner on Sunday, that gives us two days to Corbinize the house.

Note: My grandson's name is Corbin.

I have discovered that I cannot find my eyes.

OK. Let me explain. I had a allergy attack a couple of weeks ago that turned into an infection... sinus infection, ear infection and eye infection. Well, I went to the doctor and she gave me some drops for my eyes that were very itchy and redder than they would be if I were on a two week drunk. So, the idea is to put in one drop twice daily. Sounds very simple, doesn't it? Just put in a drop twice daily.

So, I follow the instructions and lean my head back slightly, position the little bottle over my eye and squeeze gently... the bottle, that is. Not my eye. Then, DROP... right onto my cheek. Not to be dissuaded, I try again and then DROP... onto my forehead. Carefully positioning the little bottle again, I open my eyes wide and DROP... back onto my cheek. Then, my nose, my chin, my hair, my neck, my elbow, my wrist, my foot. Everywhere except my eye.

I get the feeling the doctor is laughing hysterically every time she prescribes this particular treatment. I think it is just to keep the patient occupied while the oral antibiotics work their magic.

Under the category of Funny Stuff My Brother Says:

My hair is so weird. I look like a parakeet.