Posts tagged with "Kay"
Wednesday, November 23, 2011 12:00:00 PM
Welcome to On Many Subjects
, my award winning* sitcom.
People ask me if this stuff is true, and I tell them, "True enough."
Visit my Personal Website
Visit my Avon Sales Website.
New Cast of Characters for the new season of the Daily Breakfast Show--
Just like your office only funnier:
Dorothy: Coworker "There's no place like home"
Scarecrow: Coworker "If I only had a brain"
Toto: Receptionist "Grrrrr"
Tin Man: Supervisor "If I only had a heart"
Oz: Fearless Leader "I am the great and powerful Oz"
Bro: Brother at home-- My Big Bother
Scarecrow says: You just can't make this stuff up
*I haven't actually won awards yet, but I decided to put that in so I won't have to change my page when it happens.
Friday, April 27, 2007 7:02:44 PM
LL: You're missing a screen [on the window by the door.]
Me: Yes. I know.
LL: I'll have to fix that for you. There is one in the back. I will be right back.
Then, I wait for about a day and a half. Then:
LL: I have your screen, here.
LL: Sorry it took me so long to get back here.
Me: No problem.
LL: I got distracted.
Me: That's OK.
LL: I meant to come right back.
Me: OK. No worries.
LL: I will put the screen in, now.
LL: I really am sorry I didn't come right back.
Me: I am not worried about it
LL: Really, I am sorry.
Me: Uh, I didn't stand here by the door that whole time waiting for you to come back here, so there is no problem
LL: I really meant to. Something came up.
LL: I'll fix it now.
So, this guy works to put a screen into the window and it doesn't fit. He wiggles it and finally ends up bending it so it won't work, even if it did fit.
LL: I will call the screen guy. He only charges about $40 to make a new screen. AND it will fit the way it is supposed to. The guy who had this place before you want an idiot, I think. He punched all the screens out.
Me: Why did he do that?
LL: I just told you. He's an idiot.
Me: So, idiots punch out window screens?
LL: That one did.
Me: The one in the kitchen needs to be fixed, too.
LL: An idiot. He was an idiot.
Me: An the kitchen sink still leaks.
LL: Apparently, so am I. I have all the stuff to fix your sink.
Me: I know. You told me that a month ago.
LL: But, I hate plumbing, so I am putting it off.
Me: OK. No problem.
LL: I'll fix it.
LL: Really soon.
LL: I promise.
LL: You don't believe me. I can see it on your face.
Me: I think you must be feeling guilty.
LL: I am. I will get to it.
LL: I am going now.
After he finally leaves:
Me (to Evelyn): That was a strange conversation.
Thursday, December 21, 2006 11:50:05 AM
Me: I wish my car was pink instead of off-white
#1: It's not a bad color
Me: I know it's not bad. It is kinda pearlescent. But, it would be nice if it was pink.
#1: Get it painted
Me: I can't afford that.
#1: Ok. Here's what you do. Park next to red cars and the reflection off of them will make your car look pink.
Me: I can see a logistical nightmare in that plan.
#1: What do you mean? There are lots of red cars out there.
Me: But not lots of red cars who just want to hang out with my car. Remember, to get a total pink effect, I would have to be surrounded by red cars. At least four all the time.
#1: So why is that a problem?
Me: You can't see a problem with having to hang out with several red cars all the time?
#1: Make new friends with people who have red cars
Me: I think I will just get mine painted.
#1: I will introduce you the guy on the next street. He has a red truck.
Me: No, that's ok.
#1: And Hubby's boss has a red truck. That's two people already.
Me: I am hanging up now.
#1: Wait! The guy who manages the Cingular store in Silver Springs has a red sports car. That's three.
Me: Good bye.
#1: And the woman who owns the real estate office on Highway 40 has a red Mustang.
Me: But, the real question is, how do I get all of them to drive around with me.
#1: Hey, I just gave you the idea. It is up to you to work out the details.
Friday, September 8, 2006 10:19:16 PM
Thanks ever so much to Hungry Ghost
for this link to a SEAL GENERATOR
. You can create your own for use on anything, anywhere!
This was way too much fun for a Friday night!
Friday, September 8, 2006 12:25:06 PM
I was talking to a friend on the phone...
Me: A friend of mine had a baby two days ago and they named him August because he was born in August.
Friend: But August is a girl's name.
Me: Um... I don't think so. It can also mean "awe inspring." Or "venerable because of age or rank." While most women don't mind being awe inspiring, most don't want to be venerable. They would prefer sexy, I think.
F: No, seriously, there is a picture of a girl in the locker room at the gym and under her face is the word "August." People post pictures of their kids on the bulletin board at this place. I have seen August's face a hundred times.
Me: Well, I suppose it is possible that someone named their daughter August. Look at what some of the kids got named who were born in the sixties after their parents just did a hit of acid.
F: I always thought August was a creepy kind of name for a girl. But, maybe her parents did a hit of acid before they named her.
Me: Are you sure it isn't a center fold? You know, Miss August from Playboy.
F: No... It is a cute little blonde headed girl.
Me: I don't know. August sounds a little harsh for a girl's name.
That conversation happened over two weeks ago. Not surprising, it came up again in conversation...
F: You know that picture of the girl named August?
F: It is actually the month. Under "August" written in tiny letters is the name "Krissy."
Me: So, August is a date and not a girl's name. How interesting!
F: Uh, oh. I got a bad feeling about this.
Me: So, her parents didn't take a hit of acid and name their kid something stupid, afterall.
F: Yeah, like that girl I heard about named Twinkle Boring. It was at a job interview. The guy asked her name and she said, "Twinkle." Then he asked for her last name and she said, "It's boring." The guys says, "I don't care if it's boring, I still need it for the job application." Then she says, "B-O-R-I-N-G. Twinkle Boring. My name is Twinkle Boring."
Me: Very funny. Don't change the subject. Now, about August NOT being a girl's name...
F: Are you going to tell me you were right, again?
Me: It seems likely.
F: But, I admitted my error to you. I could have kept it secret.
Me: You chose your course. You chose poorly.
F: Doesn't honestsy count for anything?
Me: Of course, it does. I honestly think I was right about this.
F: That isn't what I meant.
Me: Ok. Because I was right, I can be magnanimous. I appreciate your honesty in admitting that you are inattentive to detail, misguided and generally out of touch.
F: Actually, I was thinking about naming my daughter August if I ever have one and she is born in August.
Me: Your wife is okay with that?
F: Well, I haven't actually told her.
Me: Take a suggestion from someone who is older and much much wiser. Don't tell her.
F: Why not?
Me: Unless you are willing to put up with the jokes at every family gathering you may ever attend for the rest of your life. I can hear it now. Your wife will be telling everyone seated around the Thanksgiving turkey--"Yeah, and he wanted to name our daughter August. Can you believe how stupid?" Now, picture your wife's mother laughing at you every time she shes you. "You wanted to name my granddaughter August."
F: Ok. You've convinced me.
Me: No, this is better! You will hear it every time you and your wife get into an arguement. She will be the one yelling, "And besides all that, YOU wanted to name our daughter August!"
F: So, you are telling me that August is not a girl's name.
Me: At least, I have never heard of a girl being named August.
F: And what if you do?
Me: I would say, "What a beautiful name you have."
F: For her, it is a beautiful name and for me it is sheer stupidity?
Me: I never said life was fair.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006 8:09:36 PM
Sometimes, it is nearly impossible to find a really good banana split... or someone who will stay with you and love you forever.
Tuesday, September 5, 2006 12:38:40 PM
I know this shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody, but Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, has died.
I was very sad when I heard this news.
I have watched his career, his ups and downs, since the first time I heard about him. He will be missed.
Monday, September 4, 2006 10:30:03 AM
I am posting this conversation so you will have some ideas about what to talk about when you are trying to chat someone up on a first date...
Friend: I read an article about gray nurse sharks. They are severly endangered.
Me: That's terrible.
F: Scientists are looking for someone who can produce fake uteruses for the sharks.
Me: Why would sharks need fake uteruses?
F: Well apparently, when the sharks conceive, they have about 40 fetuses. It takes about a year for them to gestate.
Me: Being pregnant for a year with 40 kids would tend to make the females a little cranky, I would think. They probably don't want to do it too often, is my guess. That's why they are endangered.
F: No. This is the best part. The babies eat each other in the uterus. I mean, they have a full set of teeth at about four weeks old and they start turning to cannibalism.
F: It's really cool. It's like a survival of the fittest thing. While still in the uterus, the ultimate in sibling rivalry shows up.
Me: I have heard of wild dingoes having a go at new born siblings, but this is unbelievable.
F: Well, it seems the gray nurse shark has two uteruses and only two babies are born. The other 38 are lunch.
Me: So, scientists want to create shark uteruses so that more babies could survive, thereby producing enough little nurses so that the population will no longer be endangered?
F: Yep. That's the idea.
Me: I got a bad feeling about this.
Me: How many times have humans screwed around with Mother Nature and had it go really bad?
F: I don't know. How many?
Me: That was a rhetorical question. I don't know how many times. Just think of the cane toads in Australia.
F: You are missing the point.
Me: No, I'm not. I mean, what if cannabalism is the way the babies begin learning hunting skills? What is that is the way they get nourishment before they are born? What if that is Mother Nature's way of getting them ready for the huge cold ocean? What if that is how they get a fighting chance at survival?
Me: See? It's not a good thing, even for an endangered species.
F: But, wouldn't it really cool to go into a bar and when a girl asks me what I do for a living, I could tell her, "I design uteruses for endangered sharks so that intra-uterine cannablaism will be kept to a minimum, more baby sharks will be born, and we can bring the species back from the brink of destruction."
Me: And you think that will get you girls?
F: It couldn't hurt.
Me: I think you need a different line.
F: I need all the help I can get. This would be so cool.
Me: I can see why you don't have many dates.
F: It could work.
Me: Let me know.
F: You sound doubtful.
Me: Far be it from me to staunch the creative genius of a young man in search of the perfect girl. There may be someone out there who will fall for that line.
F: You don't think it will work.
Me: I think I will go out with you. I'll take a clip board and keep score. My guess is, by the end of the evening, the score will be, Shark Uterus Designer - 0, Hysterically Laughing Women - 23.
F: You are a chilly woman.
Me: I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 2:11:28 PM
In answer to the many cards and letters from my faithful and loyal fans who continually want to know "How do you do it?" I have the answer.
No, I didn't draw the cartoon, dear readers. I simply agree with the sentiment. More Cartoons can be found at Sylvia's Website
or you can wait right here and more will show up from time to time.
Monday, August 28, 2006 10:27:40 AM
The silliest things drive me nuts. This morning was a classic. Hotmail. There, I said it. Hotmail makes me crazy.
I tired to log into Hotmail and got a "Gateway Error" for nearly twenty minutes. But, no to be undaunted, I kept trying to log in every few seconds. It is a great way to get your fingers to automatically type in the password without you having to think about it too much. The only downside to that is you either have to use the same password for everything--which I don't--or your fingers will automatically type in the wrong password at the next secure site and have you wondering why in the HELL you keep getting the "Log In Failed" message.
Geez, I'm like a two year old. It is so easy to get off-subject.
I don't know why I was so upset when I couldn't get into my hotmail account because the vast majority of what I get is junk.
For example, this is an actual list of the crap in the subject line of this morning's hotmail. (Please note that these are actual titles and not anything made up in the fertile mind of your dear friend, Kay Four. Additiional disclaimer: This is a typical sampling of the email I get and then promptly disccard. Many times, I discard everything without even looking because the end result is the same anyway.)
- Enhance your career (I can't wait to hear how that works. Probably I have to buy a book for $45 that tells me to create a book and sell it online just like the guy did who suckered me into giving him or her $45 dollars to buy his or her book)
- LIfe Insurance for up to 70% off. (I SELL insurance so I am totally interested in THAT one, you can be certain)
- Get your degree online in only three months. No fooling! (Degree in what? Trash can emptying?)
- The nation's largest online university wants you! (They want my MONEY)
- Itssa Pizza Party!!!!!!! (The misspelled word is theirs. Whatever!)
- All of the Best Games (Such as?)
- Spin and Win (Spinning is not a good way to win in my opinion)
- (something in a foreign language with silly characters that I can't read)
- Back to school sale on printer ink! (Get those little kids their ink cartridges before they end up being the only kid on the block without one)
- Add 3+ inches and 20% thicker (Finally! The help I have always wanted)
- Even with a bad credit history you can be approved for this card! (With a $500 annual fee that you WILL forget about and they can trash your credit score even worse.)
- Find your soulmate (No, thank you)
- I'm lonely tonight (So why tell me?)
- Have you seen Beerfest yet? (Not likely)
- Reduce Health Costs by 50% (More insurance)
- Lemon Terragon Chikcen in Butter Lettuce Cups (Finally! Something that is INTERESTING)
- Vote for your favorite laundry detergent (Is this anything like the Pepsi Challenge?)
- Enhance your Penis (Is this from the same people who sent me the Enhance your Career email?)
- Hoodia at discount prices? (What the hell is this stuff, anyway?)
- Single men want you! (That's a relief. I was worried because I am still single after all these years)
- Get bigger the natural way. (Is that an erection? Must be a naughty picture in that email.)
- We want your opinion (Ok. In my opinion, none of these emails are woth keeping. In my opinion, advertising by email is a crap shoot because my guess is most, if not all, get deleted. My opinion is, I waste too much time worrying about this stuff.)
So, with this lot on my computer screen, why did I get so upset when hotmail had a problem? I mean, there was nothing from a friend, an acquaintance, a business associate, or family member. Nothing I opted to receive such as a newsletter from the Middle-aged Funny Blog Author's Website. There was nothing that I wanted to read. I scanned the subject lines, then deleted every one of them, although I was tempted to keep the Lemon Terragon Chikcen in Butter Lettuce Cups
email.Note: My comments are in GREEN