Saturday, 28. October 2006, 12:40:21
Last week was a bad week. And NO it is not because Mom and Dad were visiting me. Other than the fact that I didn't work very much because I was a tour guide and I worry incessantly about making enough money to eat (do other self-employeeds do that?), having Mom and Dad here was a pleasure. We did a few touristy things, like visiting the World Famous Sunken Gardens in St. Petersburg and walking along Madeira Beach and trying out a few new restaurants in the area, which is always one of my favorite pass-times.
It wasn't because I had a major arthrits flare-up and every joint was swollen and so on fire that even large amounts of drugs didn't seem to want to tackle it. I was still able to stroll around the mall and walk through The aforementioned Sunken Gardens.
Side bar: Dear Readers, you can read about the Sunken Gardens here.It wasn't a bad week because I actually spent a very pleasant two days at #1's new house in deep in the Ocala National Forest where my only worry is the HUGE spiders that live here, too. It rained last night and I hear continual water dripping and the whole forest seems still and wet. No wind, no movement. At this moment, it seems like the world was put on pause. Curious.
After today's rain, it is supposed to get chilly again. It doesn't get chilly and stay chilly in Florida. We get a cold front charging through and then the weather gets warm again after a day or two. Then, another mass of cold air arrives from Canada and we get chilly for another day or two. We continally alternate between cold and warm all winter long.
Still being with #1 was like old times because we cooked together and went shopping together and watched TV together. I really miss being with her every day.
It was a bad week because one of my closest friends is moving to another state and it may as well be a moon of Saturn. I know we can stay in touch via email, blogs, IMs and phones, but that still is small consulation. It is like having all six numbers on the Lottery and winning only USD$1.95. My friend is leaving today and I didn't even say "so long". In fact, I declined an invitation to dinner last evening because of my bleak and melancholy mood. I sent an email and tried to explain, but I probably didn't do it very well. And now, I feel as if I have hurt my friend, like I was being incredibly selfish by not going to the "going away party." But, it was far more than that. I really wanted to spare my friend the tears... and then the subsequent anger that I always feel with myself because I still cry like a ten year old girl when I am upset. Really cry, with real tears and my face gets splotchy and bright red and my NOSE stays red for hours. I have never been able to cry beautifully. It is big and it is ugly. I have never been able to NOT cry but I do try to not inflict it on others.
Friendship is so very important to me and I work very hard to maintain and keep friends. I try very hard to be thoughtful and kind and concerned. Well, actually "trying" is the wrong word because I AM thoughtful, kind and concerned about my friends. I try to put my friends first, ahead of my own wants or desires. I try to be a good hostess, a good companion. I am very non-judgemental, being extremely supportive instead. I am the best friend I know how to be to others.
My friend has purchased property in a place that has been a "dream location" for a very long time and must now begin the arduous task of building a house on this property. I am very happy that dreams are being realized because my friend has worked so very hard to acheive that dream. I am so pleased that the dream is just before reaching frutition and my friend can watch it opening up, like a beautiful flower.
Still, I feel incredibly selfish because I am only thinking about ME and about ME being sad at this moment. I am sad for me, not for my friend. I feel a terrible sense of loss because I won't be able to just pop in any time I want to. (Not that I ever did. It was just knowing that I COULD.) That still isn't a very good explanation of what I am feeling right now.
I simply haven't figured out how to resolve this. Forgive me for not being funny today, but I just don't feel very funny at the moment.
And to my friend, Be Well.
