On Many Subjects

Let's just pretend that it is a full blown rainy day in Florida--we have a lot of those. And let's pretend that you are going out to your mail box that is 1/2 a mile away because you live in an apartment complex and you take your umbrella with you because you are hoping to get a lot of cool stuff from your mail box and you don't want it and you to get wet. Now, let's pretend when you get back to your apartment you put that saturated umbrella outside your door because it is totally wet and you don't want your carptet to get wet. OK. Now, let's pretend that you leave the umbrella in the stair well over night and then you go to get it the next morning, assuming it will be dry.

Is that too much pretending? Well, I'm not done yet.

Now, pretend you get your umbrella from the stair well and close it up and then put it in the brass umbrella stand you got from your Mom and Dad and it is now standing by the front door. Now pretend it is three days later and you hear something that sounds like a duck inside your apartment. Pretend this is the most annoying croaking ducklike quacking squealing noise that makes your teeth slide around inside your mouth. Pretend you search and seach for the source of the mysterious sound and you can't find it even after looking in every place you think it is possible for a terrible sound to originate. Pretend your cats have totally FREAKED out and are romping through the house in an imitation of deranged wombats helping you to locate the source of the mysterious croaking ducklike quacking noise.

Now, pretend you open the umbrella from three days before and you find a sticky green TREE FROG that is hollering for all he's worth to be rescued from inside your umbrella. Pretend that tree frog leaps out of the umbrella, appreciating it's newly found freedom and leaps from one object to another, sticking to everything it touches. Pretend you are chasing the tree frog to catch it to return it to the yard where it belongs and you have to rescue it from one kitty that is a total predator and three others who just want to play. Pretend you are basically scared of tree frogs anyway and you don't want him sticking to you. Pretend you laugh hysterically when the tree frog sticks to the predator's head, sending her into a paroxysm of never-before seen gyrations as she attempts to dislodge the sticky frog from the top of her head. Pretend the frog leaps to the mirror and the cat tries to leap up the mirror to catch it on her own terms.

Carry on this pretense for about ten minutes and then pretend you actually catch the sticky monster with suction cups on it's toes in a paper napkin and pretend you release the amphibion onto your patio where there are plenty of plants for it to hide and it can continue it's little froggy life without fear of umbrellas, cats and people.

If you can fully imagine all of this, you will know how my afternoon was.