I'm not sure what I'm looking for

I'm still searching for jobs and waiting to be interviewed. Wow it's really an annoying process. I hate not knowing what will happen. I also hate being at the mercy of others. Every time I talk to my parents I get anxious and send out three more resumes. I wonder why I haven't heard from any of the other places :-/. I got a call from my friend I graduated with. She was crying. She couldn't understand why girls who never showed any initiative or drive during class are getting jobs, while she and I haven't yet. She was really frustrated. I'm frustrated, but not to the point of tears, yet.

Part of me feels as though some of these girls are having an easier time simply because they know someone that knows someone. I am pretty certain that had I gone straight back to Atlanta to find a job, I would have one already. My mother has sent me phone numbers in sets of people she "knows the husband of" or "is on the board with." I just don't want to move back to Atlanta. My mother hasn't quite digested the fact that it is, in fact, my life. I will do what I see best for myself. She can't stand it. I understand though, and I'm trying to be as calm as possible about it. I do want my parents support. My father is in complete support of my decisions. I'm young. I'm not settling down and signing up for a life wherever I get my first job. I have time. I want to be on my own. I need to learn to budget. I need to learn to be self reliant. I have always been able to lean on my parents. I've had jobs, but it was really just bonus money and chump change. I don't want to be able to lean on them if I get in a bind. I've been extremely fortunate. I get everything I need, and most things I want. I am extremely appreciative of that fact also. But, I have got to make it on my own. I feel like if I go back to Atlanta, I will not learn that.

I wasn't as organized as I'd like to have been. I didn't write down each school I sent a resume to. I wrote cover letters, so I do have a record. I'll look at that in a minute. I guess calling the school to confirm they received it couldn't do any harm. If anything, it may bring my resume to the top of the pile.

I keep checking my phone. Like, maybe I didn't hear it while I was in the shower. Or, maybe the sound was off. It's like having a fight with a loved one waiting for them to call and apologize....haha.

The school year begins in exactly 61 days. I can't decide when my "panic" time should be. Many people have told me that the didn't receive jobs until August. I do believe I would be panicking by then. I want to figure out where to live. I may end up moving before I know where I will be working. I'd hate to do that. But, my father's already stated he's not moving me twice. Comforting. Ironically, my mother said if it was up to her I'd be home now...and I'd just drive back and forth. (Her way of punishing me for not living my life the way I see fit.)

I love my mother. Let me note that. There is not a more caring, generous, wonderful woman on this earth. She's just going through a rough time right now.

Why my mother has every right to be upset:

• her sister moved to Australia with her husband a few years ago
• her mother has Alzheimers, and has no clue who she is
• her other sister recently was treated for breast cancer, and her husband was recently treated for a brain tumor
• all of her kids have now graduated college
• it's that time her life where things get really crazy in her body

I'm trying. I'm really trying to be understanding and patient. I am. I love my mother. She'd do anything in the WORLD for me and my brothers.