Khắc Minh

Lại ngủm củ tỏi òoi

haizzzzzzz

haizzzzzzzzzz

Going to be crazy......

He is the first guy i told about my hurtful childhood. He was shocked. He said he understood what i said, mental process, and what 'child abuse' affected my thoughts and behavior. I didn't know how much he got, but at least the conversation helps me to say out loud what is in the bottom of my heart. I wanna forget all...but i know it is very hard....

Niềm vui nho nhỏ, nhưng rộn ràng như tiếng chim hót đầu xuân. Xao động nhè nhẹ như nước mặt hồ lăn tăn sau cơn gió thu mỏng mảnh. Sao quên được nụ cười e thẹn ngọt ngào và xôn xao hạnh phúc. Nụ mầm nhỏ đang nưng nức lay mình giữa mùa đông băng giá, chuẩn bị bung mình chào đón một mùa xuân....

Cái nắng chiều rất mảnh hắt qua những cành cây khẳng khiu trơ trụi lá cũng ánh lên trong tia mắt một niềm vui và ấm áp. Tuyết đã tan dần ở phía đằng tây, những mảng băng treo dọc theo vách đá như thạch nhũ lộ thiên. Đàn chim nào chiều nay bay trong lạnh giá, làm thành hình đầu tên dài vun vút giữa bầu trời. Chợt thấy trời như xanh hơn, nắng như ấm hơn, và dường như xuân đang về đâu đó...

Hãy cho ta phút này cầu nguyện, được gần về phía người hơn. Phía của những đôi cánh trắng muốt và những tâm hồn thánh thiện. Thiên thần không ngờ nghệch, chỉ là đã chọn cho mình đứng về phía nào trong cuộc đời này. Ta chưa hẳn là...ác quỷ, nhưng biết chẳng thể nào tự chạm được vào đôi cánh trắng muốt kia. Để rồi một ngày bình nguyên phẳng gió, người đưa tay nâng bổng ta lên. Ánh hào quang đó soi rọi ta, gột rửa ta. Tâm hồn đó giác ngộ ta, thức tỉnh ta. Mầu nhiệm thay cho những nguyện cầu...

Last night i dreamed about you- darling. I could see your face, your body which i hold very tight. I was so happy because i knew you loved me so much- the love that I was looking for. Then you told me that i should come back to my ex-husband who you thought-was still loving me. I also saw him not change much like the last time i did. But you know that darling- I dont think i love him any more after what was happening between us. The way he broke my heart, the way he dipped me down, the words he spoke to me, and the acts he did- all had killed my love for him. I forgive what he did and just dont want to care anything about him at all. It is all gone...

I saw you darling- and was happy to be on your arms. The feelings were just like real...I wonder when will we meet in this real life? I am thirsty for you. Dudes, once you see my beloved, please tell me that i am sick of love.

Today is also the third day i work at Mark Twain Market. It was fun and cool. It is great to wake up, make something light for breakfast, get ready, and drive to work. I found that I love working more than study now. We work, once we done, we come home leaving our job at the office. But if we study, we have to do HOMEwork. It sucks. Just like my thesis now. I am so boring of it. Just want to get rid of...So full. Anyways, i have to encourage myself that i have to finish it this semester- too much promises. Hopefully after this semester, i can be a Master . It is very cool, right?

The car costs me a lot, mostly because of the insurance and inspection. Still again, it is so great to drive it around although I have pulled over 2 times by the polices. Once since I had not taken the driving license yet. It was around midnight when Dan, Anna, and I were on Collect Ave. Dan was my instructor and he asked me to turn left to University Ave. I made that turn not really bad but since I was in front of the parking plot, he asked me to park the car. That parking would be nice if I did not hit the curve :-). Then he said the police was following you. He knew that but didnt want to make me nervous so he just asked me to park the car :-) Blah blah blah...The police man came and asked for my license. I gave him my permit and the car's insurance (well, it is not my car- neither Dan nor Anna :-)- it is Truc's car). The police just asked if I lived here or somewhere else because he thought i got lost since I was not make a completely decision while I turned. Dan was so clever since he told to the police man that he taught me how to drive. After all, the police said he stopped me because he thought I was lost :-). Then he gave me back all my documents with a very sweet smile. Oooppps....I forgot to ask this -beautiful eyes police man's phone number...

The second time was when I drove along College Ave. and Worley street. Actually I saw the police following me since I made the right turn from College Ave to Worley str. He kept following me for a long distance then before the final turn to Nguyen's apartment, he pulled me over again...Well, this time was because I had not had the car's plate yet. I spoke to him with a very innocent eyes and voice about the title and the plate blah blah blah...Finally he let me go with a warning.

I am sitting here in the starbucks coffee shop, write these words and thinking about the following plan for my thesis and the final semester here in Columbia. T4- try your best to complete your thesis, and join for another program. Dont be stuck in here so long. The word is so big, there are many places you have not been yet. Please please please focus on your study. Will make this promise for myself. From now and forever...Try your best...

Rainy day...

Tại sao chúng ta cứ phải làm một rào cản cho nhau bằng một tình bạn? Có phải chỉ bóng tối làm cho người ta trở nên can đảm hơn không? Em vẫn biết rằng điều đó là không đúng- và nếu nói cho cùng thì quả là thiệt thòi và bất công cho chính mình. Ấy vậy mà em vẫn ngoan ngoãn nghe theo anh, em vẫn thủ phục trước những lời anh nói. Dù biết rõ rành rành ra đấy chỉ là ngụy biện mà thôi.

I dont want to attach so much on you.

Em thương anh. Nhiều và nhớ anh cũng rất nhiều.

Nhưng văn hóa đã ăn sâu vào anh nhiều quá. Làm sao em có thể dịch chuyển được đây? Em không có cái power đó. Em dường như bất lực rồi. Dường như kiệt sức rồi. Anh ơi!

It is just because you appeared at the right time when I was so lonely...You cheer me up. you bring me smile. Sounds like i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you are also the only one hurt me. How can I forget the night we were seating together at the electrical engineering area? I said i believe that if someone jumps to that symbol, (s)he will fall in love with engineer. Remember what you replied? You said you believe so- then you fall in love with her...it was so ridiculous! and more ridiculous since you tried to explain about friendship, physical and blah blah blah. Stupid! How stupid of me to listen to these f***ing words. It is true that we should just trust 30% of what a man says! At that time, i found you are just like a SOTP, no more. How cheap the conversation was! Such things like that, how could I respect you as before, baby?

Then remember the night you came to my apt with my student ID...I asked you ' is it what friends suppose to do?'- and repeated what you said as above- you just whispered that 'forget about it'. See how selfish you are and how person you are!

Maybe your family has a list of women for you, and personally you have your own dream girl whom you introduced to your family already. I know it is impossible for me to make anything toward that. But do you need to keep me as your affair? do you need to tell me such painful truth like that? Why do you try to be so sweet to me? And please stop telling that you are truly care about me. Talk is cheap, man. I don't need that kind of friendship and words. Completely sophistic!

You taught me a lot about Curry-guys and family life. Maybe I am wrong but what i can say is that most of you just are players, cheat and lie. I know that culture/religious differences, but the most important thing is that you don't love me and you are taught that I do not fix your f***ing bill! Your thoughts are so traditional and full of these BS stuffs that I cannot understand!


To be continued...