The Truant Tales

Oh, there are sooo many. Bollywood is full of clichés. So, here's FNL for this week.

5 Bollywood Clichés

1) Over-the-top Villains
- Remember Ambrish Puri's character in Temple of Doom? Mola Ram. Well, he seems like a sober sissy compared to the villains Bollywood churns out. From Gabbar Singh to Mogambo, these menacing villains terrorize the hero with bad dialogues and garish fashion sense.

- These villains always have a catch-phrase, which they repeat ad nausea. 'Mogambo Kush Hua' (Mogambo is pleased) , 'Mona, You are my sona' (Mona you are my gold), 'dong kabhi wrong nahi hota' (Dong is never wrong).
- Villains have a really loud laughter that go on for a while. Muhahahahahahah...cough...muhahahahahah'.
-They always kidnap the hero's girlfriend (hence facing his terrible wrath) and they always plot elaborate schemes to kill the hero (never directly shooting him in the face).

2) Songs, Songs and more songs.
- Bollywood is famous for songs and dances. Some are good, most are horrible and are uaually badly placed in the movie.
- Every movie has atleast one item number (near nude ladies doing pelvis thrusts), to keep the male audience engaged.

- The hero and heroine can sing, dance (usually around trees) and have a dance troupe that jumps out of nowhere for a song. The dance troupe wear a co-ordinated uniform and all their dance moves are synchronized.
- During the song, the hero usually gives a lot of Jesus Christ type poses near cliffs.
- Whatever the financial situation of the hero in the movie, the songs always takes place in exotic locations like Switzerland, Greenland, Iceland, Mauritius, South Africa etc.
- The heroine changes her sari atleast 20 times during the length of the song.
- The hero never advances beyond second base (he's too busy singing), yet in the next scene after the song the heroine is pregnant. (Its a diwali miracle!!!).

3) Formula Based stories
- Guy loves girl. Father-in-law unhappy. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Poor guy loves rich girl. parents unhappy. 20 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Bad guy kidnaps girl. 10 songs, 2 slow motion fight scenes, 1 big explosion later, everybody (except the bad guy) is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Guy dies in slow motion. Girl cries in slow motion. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves guy. Movies is banned in India.
- Guy 1 loves girl 1. Guy 2 loves girl 2. But, Guy 1 marries girl 2 and Guy 2 marries girl 1. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.

- If none of the above rules are followed in a Bollywood movie, it can be assumed that the movie was ripped off of a Hollywood movie.

4) Hiring Henchmen
- All henchmen look alike and are usually bald and big.

- All henchmen attack only one at a time i.e henchman number 5 waits for henchman number 4 to get his ass kicked and only then will he attack the hero.
- Henchmen have a lousy shot. Even with the gun, they shoot randomly missing the hero each and every time.
- Henchmen are easy to kill. If punched or kicked, they do a somersault ( anywhere between 720 to 1080 degrees) and fly out of the window or a glass pane.
- Head henchman (one rung below the boss in the evil organization, kind of like a Chief operating officer (COO)), is killed by the hero's sidekick.

5) Fight Sequences and Climax
- One bullet or one kick kills henchmen, but even a cartridge full of bullets pumped into the villain's body doesn't kill him.
- punches, kicks, jabs all make a loud 'dishoom' sound.
- The hero always removes his shirt before a fight.
- The police always arrive late, after the bad guy has been killed.
- The hero diffuses the bomb only 1 second before it explodes (Always confused between the red wire and the blue wire).
- The sidekick is killed by a henchman and dies only after giving a long teary speech.

- When the villain corners the hero, he points his gun to the hero's temple. But on pressing the trigger the Gun always has no bullets or misfires. Else there is a third person shooter (usually the girlfriend) who shoots the villain.
- The villain's lair (usually underground or near a volcano - I think due to cheap real estate prices) is destroyed by an explosion. Apparently the villains lair comes with a self-destruct button.