The Truant Tales

Its hard to believe, that after all the mocking, I do find some Bollywood movies appealing. I had to sift through a lot of rubbish, but here are some of my favorites;

My Top 5 Bollywood Movies

5) Black

Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Magnum opus took Bollywood by storm. Initially meant for the niche urban market, its was surprisingly well accepted by the masses - a shock considering that it had no song and dance sequences, was saturated with rich dialogues (mostly in English) and presented a 'de-Glam' version of Bollywood's leading actors - Amitabh Bachchan and Rani Mukherji. The story dealt with the relation between an alcoholic eccentric teacher (AB) and a blind, deaf and mute child (RM) and how the she overcomes all the obstacles to graduate. The final scenes featuring a reunion of the two is the most touching of them all, with the student guiding the teacher. Absolutely ravishing sets and cinematography, with the movie shot with a blackish hue.

4) Legend of Bhagat Singh

In 2002, there was a spate of movies based on the life of Indian freedom fighter 'Bhagat Singh' (Infact, one friday saw the release of two such movies). Most of them were average being littered with a lot of those bollywood formulas. But this one, directed by Rajkumar Santoshi, was a little short of brilliant. From the first scene depicting the Jallianwala Bagh massacre, to the final hanging, the movie treated this shaheed's (martyr) life with the dignity and respect. Even though it did take liberties with his love life, the movie sticks to his life story. Helped by brilliant acting by Ajay Devgan and his supporting cast, this movie absolutely blew my mind. Also note the similarities between the actors and the freedom fighters.

3) Guru

Mani Ratnam is one of the premier directors of Bollywood, so it was only him that could pull off such a story. Loosely based on the life of Dhirubhai Ambani (the founder of Reliance Industries), it follows of the life of a dreamer who makes it big and struggles to maintain the balance between the either side of the ethics spectrum. The start is a little slow, but when it does pick up pace it amounts to riveting cinema. The movie stands on the shoulders of breathtaking acting, especially by Abhishek Bachchan who gained a lot of weight for this role. The cinematography, music is also breathtaking.

2) Black Friday

The most powerful film to come out of the bollywood stables. Directed by Anurag Kashyap in 2004, it took three years to get the censor board's approval for release. The film Chronicles the events leading upto the March 13th serial bomb Blasts and the police investigations following it. Absolutely riveting. A taut story line supported by some of the best acting I've seen in a long long time. Kay Kay Menon is brilliant as the cop who struggles with his conscience for torturing suspected terrorists, Aditya Srivastav as the terrorist who questions the morality of his actions , but most of all its Pavan Malhotra as Tiger Memon the mastermind of the attack who is baying for revenge following the demolition of Bombay riots. Brilliant in every possible way.

1) Johnny Gaddaar

Number one and for a good reason. I would never have imagined a hindi movie riped with so much black humour (Infact, it has deposed Fargo as my favorite 'Black humour movie'). 5 partners plan a deal that would yield them a huge monetary reward, but greed takes over one of them who pulls of a heist. But after that, his plan goes bad. Very bad. The story is absolutely brilliant. A classic crime caper (a lot of references to James Hadley Chase) handled beautifully by the director Sriram Raghavan. Great acting, cinematography and everything one would expect from a perfect thriller. The start is good, but after the heist the movie is gripping. There is no song and dance sequence. The title song is brilliant, suiting the mood of the film. A MUST SEE.

Note : Except for Guru and Black (to some extent), none of the other movies made an impact in the box office. They all still remain cult classics, to be collected in DvD's by the faithful.

Narrowly missing the scene : Taare Zameen Par, Being Cyrus, Bheja Fry (a remake of the french classic 'The dinner game'), Sarfarosh, Lage Raho Munnabhai, Kaante, Hera Pheri, Rang De Basanti (didn't make it because of its shoddy hasty ending).

Oh, there are sooo many. Bollywood is full of clichés. So, here's FNL for this week.

5 Bollywood Clichés

1) Over-the-top Villains
- Remember Ambrish Puri's character in Temple of Doom? Mola Ram. Well, he seems like a sober sissy compared to the villains Bollywood churns out. From Gabbar Singh to Mogambo, these menacing villains terrorize the hero with bad dialogues and garish fashion sense.

- These villains always have a catch-phrase, which they repeat ad nausea. 'Mogambo Kush Hua' (Mogambo is pleased) , 'Mona, You are my sona' (Mona you are my gold), 'dong kabhi wrong nahi hota' (Dong is never wrong).
- Villains have a really loud laughter that go on for a while. Muhahahahahahah...cough...muhahahahahah'.
-They always kidnap the hero's girlfriend (hence facing his terrible wrath) and they always plot elaborate schemes to kill the hero (never directly shooting him in the face).

2) Songs, Songs and more songs.
- Bollywood is famous for songs and dances. Some are good, most are horrible and are uaually badly placed in the movie.
- Every movie has atleast one item number (near nude ladies doing pelvis thrusts), to keep the male audience engaged.

- The hero and heroine can sing, dance (usually around trees) and have a dance troupe that jumps out of nowhere for a song. The dance troupe wear a co-ordinated uniform and all their dance moves are synchronized.
- During the song, the hero usually gives a lot of Jesus Christ type poses near cliffs.
- Whatever the financial situation of the hero in the movie, the songs always takes place in exotic locations like Switzerland, Greenland, Iceland, Mauritius, South Africa etc.
- The heroine changes her sari atleast 20 times during the length of the song.
- The hero never advances beyond second base (he's too busy singing), yet in the next scene after the song the heroine is pregnant. (Its a diwali miracle!!!).

3) Formula Based stories
- Guy loves girl. Father-in-law unhappy. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Poor guy loves rich girl. parents unhappy. 20 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Bad guy kidnaps girl. 10 songs, 2 slow motion fight scenes, 1 big explosion later, everybody (except the bad guy) is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Guy dies in slow motion. Girl cries in slow motion. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves guy. Movies is banned in India.
- Guy 1 loves girl 1. Guy 2 loves girl 2. But, Guy 1 marries girl 2 and Guy 2 marries girl 1. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.

- If none of the above rules are followed in a Bollywood movie, it can be assumed that the movie was ripped off of a Hollywood movie.

4) Hiring Henchmen
- All henchmen look alike and are usually bald and big.

- All henchmen attack only one at a time i.e henchman number 5 waits for henchman number 4 to get his ass kicked and only then will he attack the hero.
- Henchmen have a lousy shot. Even with the gun, they shoot randomly missing the hero each and every time.
- Henchmen are easy to kill. If punched or kicked, they do a somersault ( anywhere between 720 to 1080 degrees) and fly out of the window or a glass pane.
- Head henchman (one rung below the boss in the evil organization, kind of like a Chief operating officer (COO)), is killed by the hero's sidekick.

5) Fight Sequences and Climax
- One bullet or one kick kills henchmen, but even a cartridge full of bullets pumped into the villain's body doesn't kill him.
- punches, kicks, jabs all make a loud 'dishoom' sound.
- The hero always removes his shirt before a fight.
- The police always arrive late, after the bad guy has been killed.
- The hero diffuses the bomb only 1 second before it explodes (Always confused between the red wire and the blue wire).
- The sidekick is killed by a henchman and dies only after giving a long teary speech.

- When the villain corners the hero, he points his gun to the hero's temple. But on pressing the trigger the Gun always has no bullets or misfires. Else there is a third person shooter (usually the girlfriend) who shoots the villain.
- The villain's lair (usually underground or near a volcano - I think due to cheap real estate prices) is destroyed by an explosion. Apparently the villains lair comes with a self-destruct button.

HOLIDAYS...HOLIDAYS...HOLIDAYS...WOOHOO....Happiness at last. One and a half weeks of torturous exams are over and now I have a WHOLE month of holidays to look forward to. The moment the last exam got over, ecstasy (the good kind) filled the students. To celebrate, we ran (literally) to the nearest theatre and saw 'Taare Zameen Par'. Now I know why everyone calls it the Hindi movie of the year.

TZP is a great movie. Not a classic by cinema standards, but compared to the mindless mass produced crap in Bollywood, TZP is superb. It's a charming little movie (reminds me very much of 'little miss sunshine'), with no glamour or any sort of 'commercializing' of the movie. Its simple, with a great story and a brilliant brilliant lead. Darsheel Safary's animated expressions are hilarious and the films first half rests only on his shoulders. In fact the only big name in the movie - Aamir Khan (the director too) comes only in last 1 hour of the movie.



The story is simple and is brought alive by all the actors. Ishant is dyslexic and everyone around him has trouble understanding his condition. From the pushy father to the overachieving brother to the frustrated teachers, all are acted beautifully. The boy is then sent to a boarding school in a hope of getting him 'disciplined'. It is in the boarding school that he meet Ram Prasad Nikumb who helps him out. The climax is really touching, and beautifully handled by the director.

It follows the same formula of other 'inspirational teacher movies' like "To sir with love", but what sets it apart is the direction and the lead. Can't stop praising the kid.

In short, the movie was soooo good, that I forgot about the horrendous last week or so. NO, I'm not talking about my exams, I'm talking about the India-Australia Test Series. India has lost the first two test matches. We could've atleast drawn the second test, but dubious and shitty (for the lack of a better word) umpiring decisions that set India back. Aww, I'm depressed again.

Ok, So in keeping with the theme of this post, Here's this weeks lists (Friday night list on a Sunday);

5 Movies that ALMOST made me weep

Firstly, I DON'T cry. Very few movies actually touch me ( I was the only one who was laughing when Jack died in Titanic). But some do get me thinking and sympathise with the lead. So here's a list of movies that almost almost made me weep;

5) Phenomenon : Such a campy movie. Its stereotype and tries to tug your heartstring all the time. But, John Travolta is great. A very thin story line, but my god Travolta is great. Everyone hated the movie except me. He also touched me in Mad City (which would've made the list, if not for the fact that its a crap movie). One more time, Travolta is great.

4) Taare Zameen Par : Its fresh in my mind. The only Bollywood movie in the list.

5) Schindler's list : So very realistic. Spielberg's masterpiece is also his best. Saving Private Ryan was great, but not "Schindler's list" great.

2) My left foot : Wow!!! Daniel Day Lewis (Yes, the same guy who in the horrible 'Gangs of New York') is perfect as Christy Brown, a Cerebral Palsy patient. A Must see.

1) Life is beautiful : Wow, Wow....After seeing the movie mom looked at me and said "Is that tears?", I replied "No, that's dew accumulating near my eye". I obviously saw the English dubbed version, but it didn't dim Roberto Benigni's brilliant acting.

Narrowly missing the cut : Forrest Gump, Legend of Bhagat Singh, Monster, The mighty, The Iron Giant, philadelphia (Damn that Tom Hanks), Vaastav.

5 Movies that made me cry

I usually do a lot of research before seeing a movie in the theatre, but once in a while I listen to my friends (or family) and be a little more spontaneous. Big mistakes have been made.

5) Transformers : All the Little kids in the theatre were so excited that they kept screaming "Optimus Prime", "Megatron". I couldn't believe that I was the smartest person in the theatre. Horrible Horrible movie, that made me cry. Also tied with Tansformers is another Michael Bay movie, Bad boys 2. The first half was OK, but then it quickly disintegrated into utter farce, not even fit for Bollywood. Can't believe I blew up another 100 bucks on a Michael Bay movie.

4) Ghostrider : So tacky, so corny, so baaad. I liked Nic Cage in Matchstick men, Moonstruck and snake eye, but this is his low point. If I had set fire to the 100 bucks, I would've had more fun.

3) Aap Ki Khatir : I never see Hindi movies in the theatre. But a family friend wanted to treat us before he left Bangalore, and unfortunately, this was the only movie playing in the theatre. It had himesh Reshamiyya's music, the 'acting' talents of Akshaye Khanna, Priyanka Chopra, Dino Morea, Amisha Patel, Sunil Shetty and Anupam Kher, (i.e all the B-grade Bollywood actors) all adding to the pain. Its a 'remake' of a really bad Hollywood movie 'The Wedding Date' .

2) Spy Kids 3-D : We were in the multiplex and all movies were sold out except two; 50 first dates and Spy Kids 3-D. Thinking that 50 was a campy love story, we saw SK3-D. What a waste. The 3-D effects were annoying and can't believe that the Oscar winner (for screenplay of Rocky) Sly Stallone was there in this crap. This movie makes 'Rambo III', 'Cobra' and 'demolition Man' look like masterpieces.

1) Battlefield Earth : I didn't see this in the theatre, but I bought the DVD, so it qualifies. Very bad special effects, and a horrible performance by Travolta. John Travolta is horrible. One more time, Travolta is horrible. But atleast the CD makes a great Frisbee.

Narrowly missing the cut : Pirates 3, Matrix Revolutions (I didn't understand a thing), 102 Dalmatians, War of the worlds.

A common observation for a sagging TV show is the introduction of a new character - a last desperate attempt to salvage some kind of viewership ratings and keep the show afloat till the inevitable axing. Similarly, a sagging blog is infused life into it with a new feature. In this case, its Friday Night Lists. So hopefully, I update this regularly every week till I lose interest in it (remember 'youtube of the week' ?). So to kick start the first edition, here's presenting:

15 things that can be defined only for India

1) -where traffic jams often involves the crossing of livestock.
2) -where more people pee around a public toilet than in the toilet itself.
3) -where the number of people travelling in the foot board of the bus far exceeds the maximum number of people the bus can carry.

4) -where it is more indecent for a lady to wear mini-skirts than for a guy to drop his pants and pee on a public street.
5) -where a swanky mall selling $10,000 swarovski crystals is surrounded by slums where people live on less than $1 a day.
6) -where a movie is not considered a movie unless it has atleast 10 songs in it, one of which have to be full of scantily clad women. (where protests against blue films are done only after the protesters view the film mulitple number of times)
7) -where there are more political parties than there are gods in Hindu mythology.
8) -where political mudslinging is far more interesting than any Hollywood pot broiler.
9) -where a hole in the floor can suffice as a public toilet.
10) This one is an inside joke for us Indians
-where a South Indian is a 'madrasi' to a North Indian, where a North Indian is a 'bihari' to a South Indian and a North-Easterner is a 'chinky' (a slang for a Chinese even though people from the North-East are as Indian as us).
11) Bargaining during shopping is an art by itself.
12) -where roads come inbuilt with potholes, positioned for maximum discomfort.
13) -where there is two way traffic on a one way street.
14) -where the least populated place is the parliament building (where their attendance sheet reads like their IQs - all single digit).
15) And lastly, to sign off with an endearing image of 'many worlds one country'
-where the most prominent church of the city is situated in an area of Muslim majority named after a Hindu ( St Mary's church, Shivajinagar in Bangalore).

And one given by an anonymous reader:

Look at India's democracy where a minority community (Sikh) is the prime minister, a woman as president, a Muslim as vice-president, a Dalit as chief justice and a foreigner settled in India as the head of a democratic political party, the Indian National Congress...