The Truant Tales

I've been delaying posting the following poem for about six months now because I thought the poem was crap. Then why am I posting it? The answer is plain and simple - I've run out of ideas. And anyway, the quality of humour has been going down a couple of levels after every post until about the 50th post where it can no longer go lower.

So move over Thomas Gray. Published by Thomas Gray in 1768 "Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat, Drowned in a Tub of Gold Fishes" has to be the lamest poem ever. Pablo Neruda, took it one step further and wrote "ode to common things" (google it). But, in 2007, Kingnutin's "Ode to spam" is now their most serious competition yet (i.e until his next poem).

By the way, this has to be the nerdiest poem I've ever written. It sounds more like an ad jingle for gmail as a negative campaign against yahoomail.

"An Ode To Spam"

Every morning I login to yahoomail,
but, everyday its the same sad tale.
to find my inbox full of spam,
Yahoomail is a f**king internet scam!!

Oh SPAM!! Why do you flood my inbox?
selling everything from stocks to socks.
Promising to increase a man's libido.
just by making his privates grow!!!!

There's one about an online lottery,
guaranteeing a bunch of cash for free,
you just need to pay them a small fare,
but all you'll get is spyware,

But the one that annoys me a lot,
is the one about the Nigerian despot.
Apparently he's been overthrown and is now broke,
but in reality, he needs your money to sell coke*.

Oh what a glorious day it would be,
to find my inbox spam free,
but alas, it'll only remain a dream,
like an honest politician or non-fat cream.

* coke implies Marijuana and not Coca Cola. Even though both are equally deadly, the Nigerians do not deal with Coca Cola.

You may ask 'Can this idiot get any lamer?'. Well I can. Maybe an ode to telemarketers. Or an ode to traffic or pop-ups.

OK, as promised, here's the poem I wrote when I was 14 (9th standard) about Civil War.

Note: Its supposed to be a serious poem. If you feel the urge to laugh, remember that I was only 14 when I wrote it. So keep that in mind when you critique it.

Civil War

The bells ring, the death knell sounded,
shattered are principles of the country founded,
brother against brother, killing for no gain,
anyone on the street, immediately slain.

Yesterday's neighbours are today's enemies,
A sane man brought down to his knees,
The words 'Civil War' echoing through the city,
"Kill them all - no mercy, no pity".

A faceless man stirring up the public,
all around his faceless men creating panic,
Killing people of different colours and creeds,
into the crowd more hatred he feeds.

Anarchy, genocide, rape and pillage,
burning down an entire village,
no rationality in their action,
slaying people in bloody fashion.

No government, no police could intervene,
only chaos ruled in this scene.
The mob rampaged through the city,
Killing them all - no mercy, no pity.

As the morning rays kissed the sky,
revealing where a thousand bodies lie.
They saw the consequences of their action,
the same bodies killed in bloody fashion.

Too late for regret, too late for remorse,
irrational violence had taken its course.
Shock, shame, nothing to be said,
lo behold, look what greed created.

The poem isn't perfect at all. It has too many cliches and follows no kind of poetic meter. And when you repeat the poem in some sort of anger, it sounds like a Metallica or an Irom Maiden song. Also the name of the poem 'Civil War' is not 'fancy' enough to be a poem title. I tried to come up with alternatives like 'Civil War, What is it good for?', but nothing suited it.

While the Us was losing its way in Iraq,
Snoop Doggy dogg was caught with crack,
While Saddam was hung in the gallow,
Dick Cheney shot another fellow.

While Zinedine Zidane used the head,
courts decided MJ didn't have kids in his bed,
While terrorist tried to blow up a british plane,
Madonna tried to adopt a kid, but in vain.

While Iran mocks the holocaust,
Ashes is what the Ozzy team lost,
While Muslims hated the Danish cartoons,
Indian politicians acted like baboons.

While Thialand witnessed a bloodless coup,
the press cared more about Paris Hilton's flu,
As Noth Korea becomes another terror source,
people more interested in Britney's divorce.

Lets hope there are better times ahead,
Lets hope MJ doesn't have anymore kids in his bed.
Alas, this crappy poem has ended,
Thanks to me, your brain can never be mended.