New York State of Mind - Part II or Why I am a Bad, Bad Blogger
Thursday, 26. October 2006, 15:34:59
The "checks in the mail", "I won't cum in your mouth" and "I'll finish this post later." three of the classic lies of all time.
I suck.
Tuesday, I promised that I would write some back-story with respect to how a slick, urbanite New Yorker found himself whisked away to Texas and I failed to come through. Yes dear reader, I let you down. I didn’t make a single post at all yesterday. I know, I know. I am a total bastard!
Unfortunately those who sign my paychecks occasionally require some work in order for me to earn my meager restitution. Alas, I was born to suffer!
In any event, here is the brief version of my story.
Back in the late 90's I found myself one of the fortunate many blessed by the dot com boom. Those were the days. In those days, men were men, women were women and the only bush in the White House was hiding under Clinton's desk.
During these times of plenty, money flowed down like rain. In the average dot com company, quarters came out of the bathroom taps and memo pads were made out of 10 dolor bills. Anything one wanted was available and even a total incompetent such as myself could find them in a grossly overpaid position.
I don’t need to go into too much detail about what happened to my beloved industry. I will simply present this small play as an allegory.
The characters are, The Internet Industry and Investors
The Internet: A Comedic Tragedy
A Play by The Kingsmob
Act I – The Glory Days
Investors: Um, excuse me but I notice you seem to be throwing all of my money down that hole. Is that really a wise thing to do?
Internet: Oh yeah, it’s great! Look, we have this whole, right? No wait, it gets better. We have this whole and we are throwing money into it. Totally amazing, right?
Investors: Well, see that’s just it. When you first presented the idea to me, it seemed like an amazing idea. That might have had something to do with the multi-million dollar A/V business plan you sent me. I’m thinking that may have made the idea seem a little better than it has turned out to be.
Internet: You didn't like the Business plan?
Investors: Oh no, it was great, it’s just…
Internet: What were the special effects not good? We paid a lot of money for those effects. Sombody get that Lucas bastard on the line!
Investor: No the effects were great..
Internet: Was it the acting? I knew we shouldn’t have hired that hack Paul Newman!
Investors: No, no. The business case was amazing. That’s just it you see, it made the idea seem amazing. I was convinced that the concept was a gold mine but…uh…now it just kind of looks like you are throwing all my money down a hole.
Internet: We are man, we are! See it’s totally new. It will revolutionize the way people throw money down holes.
Investors: This is a good thing?
Internet: Absolutely.
Investors: You’re sure?
Internet: Hey man, we're the Internet. You can trust us.
Investors: Well, OK then. I guess you know what you are doing. I’ll just leave you to it then. Bye.
Internet: Wait, before you go.
Investors: Yes?
Internet: I'll need some more money to throw down this hole.
Investors: I’ll write you a check.
Act II – The Honeymoon is Over
Time passes. After a months and months of hemorrhaging money, the investor once again seeks out the internet.
Investor: Er..uh..Hi there.
Internet: What, who said that? Oh, it’s you. How’s it going?
Investor: Well, not so great really, that is what I came to talk with you about. You see…
Internet: Check out the hole, man.
Investors: What, oh. Hey, there are two holes.
Internet: Exactly man. You gotta keep pushing the envelope. This is a very competitive industry, you have to keep innovating if you want to stay alive.
nvestors: Oh well, that is very nice. I sort of notice you are now throwing money down both of them.
Internet: That’s the idea, baby. The internet is all about doing things in a whole new way. We are all about speed and efficiency. Well, speed, efficiency and pornography really.
Investor: Well see, I’m sure you have thought about this and all but…uh, you now seem to be efficiently and expediently throwing my money down two holes. I’m not sure I am feeling too good about this.
Internet: Really? Why?
Investors: Well, because, you know..It’s like my money and stuff and well, you are throwing it down a hole. That can’t be good can it?
Internet: *sigh* Look. You are a smart guy and I like you. Because I like you I haven’t worried you with all the details. This stuff is very complicated. All sorts of really amazingly complicated stuff that goes “beep”. You know, IP Addresses and APIs, things like that.
Investors: Wow Acronyms. That’s impressive. What do they mean?
Internet: Don’t’ worry about it. Just know that we understand what they mean and therefore there is no one better to throw your money down a revolutionary pair of holes that we are.
Investors: Wow. Gee, I’m sorry I doubted you. You really sound like you are working hard.
Internet: Don’t worry about it. I understand. Thank you for stopping by. Talk to you soon?
Investors: Uh yeah, OK. I’ll just show myself out then?
Internet: Just leave the check by the door.
Act III – Excuse Me, but I Seem to be Collapsing.
More time has passed and the months have not been kind. The economy has become a barren wasteland. The Investors and The Internet met for one last showdown.
Investors: Er, hello? Hello? Anyone here? Hello?
Internet: *Burp* Yes, who is it?
Investors: It’s me. We need to talk. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about all of this and I am pretty sure that throwing money down a hole is a really bad idea.
The Internet moves from the shadows into the light and it ain’t pretty. Its body is bloated and sweaty. Its huge form lumbers into full view.
Investors: Aggh! What happened?
Internet: What do you mean?
Investors: Well, you seem to have gained a bit of weight.
Internet: You think it is easy going to million dollar launch parties every night? It starts to take its toll after a while.
Investors: How sad for you. Where is everyone else?
Internet: We had to do layoffs.
Investors: Layoffs? But you have all of my money?
Internet: Yeah well, it costs a lot of money to throw money down a hole. If were to continue paying the people who actually do the work and throw the money down the holes, how would we pay for parties, video games and for the Rolling Stones to play my birthday party? Not to mention my raise and bonus structure. That is pretty steep.
Investors: Yeah well, listen. I have been thinking about it and throwing money down a hole is a pretty stupid thing to do and I really don’t want to be involved anymore.
Internet: No you can’t do that! We just had the gold leaf toilet paper installed in the rest rooms!
Investors: I’m sorry but this really is the way it has to be.
Internet (Desperately Thinking): Uh….TCPIP?
Investors: No that isn’t going to work. Here’s the deal. I am sick of this and I’m not going to give you any more money.
Internet: Well, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this but you give me no choice.
Investors (Frightened):What are you going to do?
The internet lumbers across the room to a black box. Giggling as it wheezes the Internet opens the lid. We see a button labeled, “economic self destruct”
Internet: What I should have done long ago. I knew you couldn't be trusted. You never understood me. No one does. No one deserves to have me. And if I can’t have you money, no one can!
Investors: No doooooon’t!
The Internet pushes the button and the whole economy takes a crap.
fin.
OK, I really need to get some work done so I will finish this sad tale later this afternoon.
