MAY THE WIND TAKE US TO INFINITY

Some directions to passengers alighting from the train at Crossmyloof station in Glasgow.

1-east) If you come from the west, you will be coming to bin number 2, in which case you will probably see an ominous, cloudy yellow wall of mist at your right. You will notice that the wall would rotate when you turn your head, remaining allways at the same distance to you and perpendicular to the axis that passes through the center of your ears, and always to your right. You can avoid this movement by learning to keep the axis of your attention fixed while you turn. This can take from a minute to half an hour, but panic or stubborness can extend this stage indefinitely.

1-west) If you come from the east, you will be coming to bin number 1, in which case you will probably see an ominous, cloudy yellow wall of mist at your left. You will notice that the wall would rotate when you turn your head, remaining allways at the same distance to you and perpendicular to the axis that passes through the center of your ears, and always to your right. You can avoid this movement by learning to keep the axis of your attention fixed while you turn. This can take from a minute to half an hour, but panic or stubborness can extend this stage indefinitely.

2) When you have finally learnt how to face the cloudy wall, try different thoughts to go on. Some will make you bounce in the wall as if it was made of stone. "I am going to cross this wall of cloud" bonk!. «I can do whatever I want» bonk!. «I am the chosen one» bonk!. «This fucking wall is no match for me» Bonk!. «Mind over matter» bonk!(auch). Other thoughts make it become like rubber: «I respect the wall and kindly ask it to let me in» poeing!. «I stop thinking about everything now» poeing! (clearly thinking about not thinking). «This is like the wall I dreamed of once» poeing!.

3) Finally, exhausted of trying different kind of thoughts, you are starting to think as an idiot, and then you can cross the wall. «Which foot is next?» -shush- «[mimicking guitar solo]» -shush- «Did I leave the oven on?» -shush- «For my glorious country» -shush-.

4) You are going to find yourself in a derelict parking lot covered by a dense atmosphere. You are going to feel that each step you make, your weight increases, and so does your body volume. You are going to find yourself carrying a 2-litres bottle of cider in your hand. You have to keep walking in spite of all this.

5) You are going to be surrounded by a bunch of people asking you to give them the cider. If you do it right away, they are going to attack you. You have to drink as much as you can in one go before handling them the bottle. Then your weight will increase until you cannot stand, or sit, but only lay on the ground.

6) Some agonic minutes, or hours (difficult to tell) lying on the floor under crushing gravity and heavy, viscous greenish air. Then, the personal helping spirit comes. You will see it in the shape of an animal. If you have been dumb enough to desire a glamorous carnivore as a helping spirit, you are going to be treated with roughness in the following steps. The shape of the helping spirit comes with some behavioural traits.

7) Tipically, the helping spirit will push you with the snout or equivalent. Then it is going to put you in a standing position. If the cider gang just beat you too hard, the helping spirit is going to collect the pieces. Gravity is still too strong to move or do anything, so not panicking is pretty much all you can do, just as it has been from stage 6 on. Panicking can, again, extend the proces indefinitely, and this can even be dangerous.

8) Then, the helping spirit is going to jump and fall on you.

9) The violence of this hit will make you wake up. You are going to be lying in your bed, and it is going to be 8:00AM. If you are lucky, you are not going to be alone, so you know that next time you do not have to go to Crossmyloof alone, and these directions will not apply.