Flights of Fancy

It seems that, in all this end-of-the-year confusion, I've found some time to graduate from high school. (I'm the one on the right.) To say the very least, it's a surreal feeling. I can remember sitting in my seat, facing the stage before me, felling as though time was frozen. I've felt the same way all through high school. It was almost too much to comprehend that it was all coming to an end. Since then, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have a great summer, and in the time that follows, I'm going to be just fine. I'm looking forward to a wonderful life.

On the night before graduation, I remember sitting on the couch in my living room, clutching a pillow to my chest and staring up at the ceiling in thought. I realized that I would still be able to see all of my friends, and that nothing was really over. I reminded myself of something my boyfriend David said to his friend Brendan on one of the last days of school. Brendan came up to him with a solemn look on his face and pulled him into a hug.

"Dave," he said, "I've just realized that I'm never going to have friends like this again."

"You won't need them," David said. "We'll always be friends."

Hearing that made me smile. I watched as they held each other and couldn't help but think that, while everyone promises that they'll be friends forever, come whatever, life happens. I've promised to stay in contact with friends in the past. I haven't lived up to that, and neither have they. It's nobody's fault. Like I said, life happens. People grow apart when they're not together for a while. People change. They find new friends. It's natural. I've taken comfort in the fact that, at least for now, I've still got all of them to spend my summer with. I still have David. I still have Kelly, Kim and Rachel. I have everyone.

The night after graduation helped me to realize that. After a family gathering at my house, David and I drove over to Billy's house to spend the night. Nine of my closest friends stayed over that night. We stayed up together, just talking the way we always do. I woke up the next morning on Billy's computer room floor. I can't count the number of times that I've woken up in a daze in some room of one of my friends' houses. It's the way I started off 2009. It seems only natural that I should have ended my school year in the same fashion.

I will not hesitate to tell you that high school has been the best time of my life. So far. As I was sitting around my house before commencement, I began to think over the year. I smiled at times, and felt I might cry at others, but for the most part, I smiled. I thought back on all the conversations I've had with Doc. All the sleepless nights I've spent with my friends, just talking about our problems and giving each other hope. That night in Arizona when David and I were guided toward each other by candlelight under a blanket of stars. The night I was brought to tears by a song that four of my friends played. I thought about all the fights, all the nights I've passed curfew, all those unforgettable laughs, tears, parties and school days, and I realized that I've truly had the time of my life in high school.

I thought about a mass held at my school towards the beginning of the year. Father Charlie, our resident chaplain, relayed to us an anecdote about one of his high school graduation, and left us with a quotation that has since become my mantra: "For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes."

Yours,
Lani

I thought that traveling, no matter where to, would feed my wanderlust enough to hold me over at least until I got to college. Turns out that I was wrong. I spent all of last week in Toronto, and upon coming back home, I got the feeling that nothing at all had changed in me. I love Canada, but Toronto was just too similar to the cities around here, like New York and Boston and Providence, for me to feel like I ever left at all.

Don't get me wrong, it was a great week, and I had fun, but it just wasn't a trip. I was telling David about that the other night. I told him that Toronto had been fun, but that it just wasn't Arizona. He said, "Lani, would you like to go back there? Not right away, but someday. Just the two of us." I told him that sounded wonderful.

"We'll take my car," I said. "It'll just be you, me, and my B-52."

"Why don't we fly? We can rent a car when we get out there." I told him it didn't matter what we did, as long as he and I were together out west again. What I wouldn't give to be out there with him now, without a care in the world.

That really was the best week of my life thus far. Everyone promised me it would be, and once again, they couldn't have been more right.

I need a desert,
Lani

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel, sunlight on my face
See that dust cloud disappear without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Were still building
Then burning down love, burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you...
(its all I can do)

The cities a flood
And our love turns to rust
Were beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled into dust
Ill show you a place
High on ta desert plain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
(its all I can do)

As you probably already know, I am officially one of the most gullible people on this earth. People like to take full advantage of this fact on every other day, but, as you might be able to imagine, April 1st always tends to be the worst. Besides it being April Fool's Day, I realized that today was also a Wednesday. When my alarm clock woke me up two hours earlier than expected this morning, I was convinced I would be in for quite the ride. It seemed like time itself was plotting against me this morning.

Before School.
Whenever I come into school in the mornings, I have a laundry list of people to see or things to do. This morning was no exception. Somehow, I managed to see everyone I needed to see (and then some!) with time to spare. I think I'm getting a little too good at this whole procrastination thing.

David was named senior student of the month for March. The guys in my TC started badmouthing him, saying he didn't deserve it and whatnot, and they brought up various things that they noticed he's done lately. For instance, he showed up for Charitably Loud— an annual charity-based concert at my school— to perform in a suit. They targeted him for that. I turned around in my seat and looked Harry square in the eye.

"Harry, he had just come from a wake."

His face fell. "Oh." After that, the rest of the guys went silent.

"You don't know him the way I do. Once you get to know him, he really is a wonderful person."

They came back at me with a few points, I shot them each down. Moral of this story? Don't insult a man in front of his girlfriend.

First Period, History.
Horton gave us the period to ourselves. He told us we could work on anything we wanted, as long as it was something academic. I jumped at the opportunity and went down to my locker at the beginning of class to pick up my history book. We have class projects due on Friday, and I wanted to get cracking on mine a little more.

I opened my locker door, and sitting in front of all of my other crap was a big envelope with my name on it. I knew it had to be David's writing. After all, no one writes as messily as he does. And, for that matter, no one else knows my combination. My curiosity forced it open. Inside was a bunch of Air Heads, my favorite candy, and two sheets of computer paper. On one was the lyrics to U2's "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)". On the other was a little note and a picture from our trip to Arizona. At that moment, I knew it had to be from David. I found myself giggling almost uncontrollably after that. It was so adorable and so unexpected, it made me forget why I had come down to my locker in the first place. I took the envelope, Air Heads and all, back up to Horton's room. When I got there, I took my seat next to Kaeli.

"Kaeli," I said, "I don't remember what it was I went downstairs for." She just laughed. I spent the period writing a note in reply to my secret admirer.

Second Period, Band.
The moment History let out, I made a beeline for the door. I ran down the stairs to the locker room, if only to see David. I know I wrote him a note, but I had to thank him in person. (Besides that, I had to give him the note.) I saw him right when I came through the locker room doorway. He was over by the bubbler, taking a drink with his back to me. I tried my best to sneak up on him, but he stood and turned to face me before I could.

"I saw your shoes," he said, and he stared down at my feet. I did, too. I sighed. I love those shoes, but they're so bright and obnoxious, they often come back to haunt me whenever I try to sneak up on people. (I've been told that if Elton John wore Converse, these would be the ones.) Either way, I hugged him. "Thank you for the Air Heads," I said. "I was really surprised. It was so adorable of you."

By that point, we were both giggling. He was quickly surrounded by friends of his who were congratulating him on his student of the month status (Matty said, "It's probably all because of you, Lani. They nominated him because he's dating you now." That made us both laugh.). I love his friends. They're a great group. I'm sure you'll hear all about them in time.

Anyway, when I finally got down to Band, I started eating my Air Heads. I don't remember much else about that period. I don't think it matters.

Third Period, Gym.
I walked down to gym with Jenna. Whenever she tried to talk to me, though, I always had an Air Head in my mouth. I don't know if you've ever tried to carry on a conversation while you're eating one of those, but I guess it's comparable to driving to Hawaii in that they're both impossible.

Gym class itself was nothing terribly exciting. We did our usual warm-ups and took a quiz on spinal injury and severe bleeding (yes, my school gives quizzes and tests in gym class, go figure). I'm not sure how I did. I think I did fairly well, though. Nothing to write home about.

Fourth Period, Accounting.
My teacher had a bird when she found out that none of us had done our homework again. The rest of the class was spent in an awkward stage, sort of in that halfway point between instruction and busy work. None of us, not even the teacher, knew what to do.

Fifth Period, Religion.
We continued our discussion of social justice issues within the school.

Sixth Period, English.
Doc decided to have us act out The Aeneid as we were reading it aloud in class. It was more funny than anything. I don't think it was exactly what he had in mind.

After School.
Jenna and I presented our quarter project to our teacher. He really liked it. After that was over, I left his room and walked across the hall to Mr. J's room, where I found David, his brother Meatball (long story behind the name), Mr. J and David's friends Ben and Novak. We were discussing something, I can't remember what in particular, when one of the resident Brothers walked in and gave David a hug.

"Congratulations on being named student of the month," he said. "You've come a long way. You used to be a little pain in the butt."

"Yeah," Ben said. "Now he's an even bigger pain in the butt." Everyone, even David, laughed at that. We stayed behind a little longer before we started to clear out of the room. I spent the rest of the afternoon at school with David, until it was time for us both to head home.

I'm proud to say that things were not what my clock foreshadowed at four a.m. In fact, despite all the clouds in the sky, today was a beautiful day. My favorite season is now upon us, the year is winding down, and things are falling into place. And the way everything's playing out, it looks wonderful.

Too bad the Airheads have all been eaten,
Lani

It almost seems as though today's sunset is just as brilliant as the sunrise. I haven't felt sunshine like this in a long time. I'm just so happy these days, and with everything that's going on I see no reason not to be. Things are so bright, all those Arizona winter stars would be jealous.

I felt so wonderful after school today. The sun was bright, and there were people running around the lower field with lacrosse sticks for practice. It made me feel like running, too. If I wanted to, I think I could've run all the way home.

Even work seems a little cheerier nowadays. Things are looking up so high right now, I'm going to soak them up for all they're worth. Life is strange in that it runs in elliptical cycles. There are high points equal to the low points, and we're always in transition between the two extremes. Right now, things are on the way up. I might as well enjoy the ride.



So, I haven't done one of these in a while. Let's see if I remember how they go.


This Morning
I forgot to turn up the volume on my cell phone this morning, so when my alarm went off, it was rather muffled. I didn't hear it, and, therefore, I woke up later than I would have liked. I pride myself on being able to get ready and dressed for school in under twenty minutes, though, and this morning I was able to prove that I deserve that accolade. I awoke at 6:04 and was dressed and in the car by 6:23.

I had a lot to do when I got in this morning, including a Powerpoint project that was to be due fifth period today, an outline, and a dialogue to read off during said presentation. If there's one thing high school has taught me, though, it's that nothing is impossible. In that way, I've become quite the champion Mickey Mouser. (To give you an example, I once threw together an entire quarter project in fifteen minutes before the class it was due, and I ended up with an A. I'm a terrible, terrible student.) It took me less time than I thought to finish the outline and the dialogue, but I knew the Powerpoint situation would be tricky. I use a Mac that doesn't run Microsoft Office, so the presentation was left up to my groupmate Corinne. It was just the matter of getting the presentation from her, getting out of class long enough to add in my portion, and getting the flash drive back to her before we were set to present. It's actually much simpler than it sounds, but that's another story for later.

First Period, Religion.
I attempted to take notes this period, if only to keep up the fight to stay awake. I was so exhausted this morning.

Second Period, English.
Apparently we were set to have a quiz on The Aeneid this period. No one knew about it, but we took it anyway. I got a 45.

Third Period, Psychology.
I took a test on levels of development, on which I got a 91. ( ) I finished quickly and ran down to the library to work on my half of the presentation. It was over more quickly than I expected. Like I said, nothing is impossible.

Fourth Period, Music Theory.
I got to class and realized that I didn't have my book. Oops.

Fifth Period, History.
The project went seamlessly.

Sixth Period, Band.
We played the most hellish movement in the most interesting piece I've ever played with the school band. We're getting ready for our upcoming competition in Toronto this April.

There's a lot I wish I could say, but I'm exhausted. Way to end a nice day.

Good night,
Lani

Blame it on the jet lag, but for the past few days, I haven't been myself. I'm not really sure who I am. I'm not sure if I like this new me, or if she's feeling allright. See, I feel as though I've been on autopilot since Monday. And even at that, I've been asleep at the wheel.

Maybe it's the jet lag, or maybe it's just that scorching case of wanderlust that's been burning in my chest for a few months now. On Saturday night (around midnight, Eastern Savings Time), I flew back into Providence after a week-long stay in Arizona. I thought that would cure me of my predicament (for a little while, at least), but I feel now that it's only gotten worse.

As I've said several times already, I've been living in the same place for seventeen years. You stop appreciating your environment after you've lived there for too long. I told Doc about that this morning. I knew that he of all people would understand— he's not one to set down roots, either. I asked him about the wanderlust that's stricken me, and he told me it was perfectly normal. He didn't try to talk me out of it, either. I asked him about West Virginia. He told me all that he knew.

"You'll want to visit Texas," he said. "San Antonio, especially."

"I was thinking Switzerland," I said, and he nodded.

"Switzerland is pretty, from what I hear."

"It won't be a permanent move," I said. "Just long enough to get my head together. Just long enough for me to decide what path I want to follow. Then I know I'll be able to come back home to a beautiful country."

He nodded. I don't remember what else he said, although I'm sure there was something. I need to have a tape recorder attached to myself whenever he speaks. Every word out of his mouth is profound and well-said, but I can never remember a breath of any conversation we have.

I feel so out of place at home these days. Even at school, I'm surrounded by people I just can't bring myself to identify with anymore. It's time for me to pack up and run away. At this point, it doesn't matter where I go. I don't know what the future holds, but I know what I'll be leaving behind.

--Lani