Liivucs

So, it's finally Spring time. Even though this week has been raining away, I feel hopeful towards this season. I have been through a psyche-evaluation and in a couple of weeks I will know if they will take me on or not. I hope they will, I want help with this.. thing I seem to be going through, have been going through the past years. I want to put stop to it and start living a decent life instead.

What is a decent life? I don't really know.. but I have a vague memory of a time when I wasn't feeling hopelessly down, when obstacles in life where just that, obstacles to overcome. Just a natural part of life and something I would doubtlessly deal with. When no matter how bad things were I could see the beauty in life and my purpose was clear and unnecessary to define out loud. Of course I would be sad, angry, upset and thought life was unfair at times but it always just seemed natural, it would pass and I would think no more of it.

Now everything seems to be such a big deal. I can be sad for days about the puniest things. I just can't seem to be able to look past the problems and just bring myself to do what needs to be done. I seem to be looking at everything from the worst perspective possible and inevitably all problems seem to be unsolvable. I constantly battle myself and try to come up with reasons for everything, trying to find a higher purpose because the ones I had before are somehow now irrelevant, or rather, I no longer remember them. All I seem to come up with are reasons for bad things, bad reasons for feeling good and so I am blue.

I have become more and more aware of this and so I have tried to force myself to change perspective, to look at things more positively, I guess it has worked, questionably. Starting by smiling, I try to smile more often, nowadays I even catch myself smiling out the window of a bus or train, this hasn't happened to me in years, so it's good progress really. But I don't know how much of it was achieved by forcing myself and how much of it was just a natural healing process induced by spring-warmth and sunlight or the return of bird songs outside. I have a lot to be thankful for to my love too, he has been most attentive lately and really caring and wonderful, being maybe the most important factor for my progress.

Slowly I am trying to sort out my life, to really find what I'm looking for and to give it purpose and a kind of structure. Most of all, making a point of telling myself that "this is very possible, all you have to do is reach out and grab it", and indeed I have tried to make it possible, I feel like someone who, for a long time, has been waiting for the stars to align in the right position, so that the opportunity of my dreams will come. And finally it has started to happen. I have step by step charted my future, taking things like my temperament and well being, and my life partners wishes, in consideration to make it as realistic as possible. By now I have some real checkpoints to reach and it feels OK to have them. Of course I'm still very worried that I will get worse and that in the end I will not be able to go about it as I want. And then there is the small issue of me being terrified of failing. I do Not want to fail when I finally have a plan and am trying to carry it out. Right now it still feels kind of vague and I really have no clue of how I would have the strength to do this.. but that's why I really hope the doctors decide to try and help me. I desperately need a purpose, some sort of a fulfillment.

It's kind of crazy to think, my favorite season is almost over and winter is soon here. It's getting so cold here in Sweden! But still there are beautiful colors in the air and trees, still, there are things to enjoy.
Other than that, our apartment is almost finished, school is going quite good.. work not so much though. But hopefully that too, will be OK. I am feeling tired as usual.. want to sleep all the time. But once I lay down, I usually get restless. I have also been thinking about my future a lot. About what I want to do and who I want to be. All I can say for sure is, I still have a long way to go.
I have also been to Lund's university hospital, getting a second opinion about my health issues. Turns out, I not only have a reflex-problem, but probably even a second heart problem. So now I'm back home, waiting for the whole circus to begin all over. I am so sick of it, I can't even begin to tell you.
And I miss Latvia so much! I miss my family and friends there.. and I miss the places I knew growing up. I'm used to going there at least once a year and now I haven't been there for ages.
To return to good things, I have been photographing more lately, which is awesome. I'm learning new tricks and ways and now I wish to upgrade my camera to be able to do even more. I'm learning something every day. I'm just longing to get rid of this tiredness so that I can do more, be more. I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to do everything I want. People tell me that it's not possible for one person to worry so much about so much and do so much at the same time, but I feel like I have to, or I'm getting dissatisfied with myself, like I'm not enough for myself. I have to accomplish everything, or I am a complete failure. I am hard on myself. But at the same time, that is what makes me accomplish anything at all. I have to aim high to get anywhere. I might be wearing myself out. But I feel like I have to. I have this inner drive to use up all my energy at once, I do not know how to save it. Anyhow, it's such a big part who I am, I feel like I hardly would be me if I wasn't like that. Though I have to admit, it doesn't sound very healthy.
But that's what I have photography for, collecting more energy, collecting myself and resting. It sort of saves me from me.

Sometimes life makes me wonder. What's really going on? Is there someone hiding behind the cloudy sky, watching us, studying us.. making up all these crazy scenarios for our lives just to see how the human mind will react, change, grow. What direction we will take depending on what happens to us in life. It feels that way. Life keeps handing me all these weird cards expecting me to make something out of all of it. But I don't want to play anymore. This is getting ridiculous. I keep heading down that same old road over and over again. My whole life is like a evil circle. I know, at some point I will have to break it. Because it is more like a spiral than a circle really. For every full turn it gets just a little bit worse. Sometimes much worse. And sometimes I have even been given a few outs, good ones, but somehow I've always refused them. Why? Do I want to fail at life so miserably? The answer is no, every cell in my body aches to succeed. Maybe that is the very thing that keeps me in it, that I desperately need to succeed, I cannot take a failure.

Even now, when everything seems so hopeless in one aspect, I'm still not giving up on it even though I probably should be. It might be taring me into tiny little pieces but, I'm still not letting go. Stupid huh?

If we ignore the fact that I'm failing so horribly in this one oh so important aspect of my life, I'm actually quite successful in the other ones. I have started to study again. We will see how it turns out this time. I am hopeful though. So far I've enjoyed even the usually boring classes and getting along with the teachers well. And by the end of 2011 I might even have acceptable grades and be officially agreeably educated for the moment. Apart from that I'm still working too. Waitressing, nothing fancy, but it puts cash in the bank-account so who am I to complain? Although I am starting to notice the usual little twitches my body likes to start with as soon as it feels I'm doing too much. Somehow I end up burning food, making dishes fly about in the kitchen, missing just barely when I'm about to pick something up so everything ends up in the usual mess around me. I can tell you, it's frustrating. Sometimes I have to sit down to catch my breath just from peeling a carrot.

By the way, now the doctors "know" what's wrong with me. Well, one of the things anyway. There's this thing my brain has that makes the heart stop sometimes so I pass out. Nice, right? Apparently a pacemaker won't help me here. Nothing will. They just told me to drink lots of water and twitch my toes if I feel dizzy. Doctor's advice of the year award to them! Although they still have no clue what could be causing my memory laps and inability to focus, me missing out on 80% of my surroundings, such as conversation etc. Well sometime they might send me to a specialist or another to see if they can find something out.. sometime.. maybe. Until then I will just have to deal with it, and everything else.

Well, at least I'm finally making an effort to reconstruct some sort of a social life. The fact that I've started to stutter and such doesn't make it easier, but I'm doing quite well actually. Meeting a few new people, very few, but it's the quality not the quantity that matters right? And I'm trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, not the easiest thing either when you've basically been a lone wolf for such a long time. But one has to try, or I might go mad. If I am not already. As much as a social life drains my energy, I need to do it. I try to imagine that that will pass in time and that being with people will seem to be natural again some day, hopefully soon. God, I hope it is soon.

I have noticed how I've become a nasty little person, it happened so slowly I barely noticed, but now I can see how I can be a real bitch sometimes. And I am ashamed of myself. If anybody reads this at all, I can't tell you how sorry I am for that. I just snap and then I end up regretting it for a long time. Right now I don't know what to do.. Don't know how to deal with things in my life and don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. Feel disgustingly selfish as soon as I open my mouth to do so.

So to sum this up, in this one Huge aspect of my life I'm ruining it completely and have no idea what so ever what to do about it, but there are these tiny little ones I am getting better at. It's just sad that sometimes I feel like I have to choose between them. To choose someone I love or the other things I love and know that I need desperately to do. It's so confusing and hard what is a mere human to do? I leave it to fate and that's why I'm twisting about in this inevitable downward spiral. And now I will stop I think, this one is getting too long and depressive. Sorry about that.

Sometimes things happen, and your life turns upside down and inside out. And there is panic.. so much grief, sheer fright and you feel like everything is just over. Life is over. There is no strength to pick up the pieces and stand up again. Like there is nothing left here for you. That is how I feel right now.
You'll think it's silly and girlish of me to react this way. He is just a guy, right? But he is the guy. The one who makes life seem worthwhile, who makes it make sense. Who holds the broken pieces in place. But when he is gone. The pieces start trembling, moving out of place, and you try to stop it. But there is nothing you can do. Because there is no one to hold them together. Nothing keeps you from falling apart. There is no glue to fix it.

Sometimes I've thought of what I would do if I was on my own. If all I had to care about was myself. I just didn't count on not having the strength or will to do it anymore. I didn't count on breaking apart in a million pieces and not being able to put myself back together. I honestly didn't think it was going to be this bad. I thought I would be sad, but that I would quickly pull myself together and do what has to be done. As it is now, I haven't even began packing. I sort of wait for everything to happen on it's own. And sort of wish my body would shut down for long enough for me to rest and forget. To get the addiction out of my system. I want it to be like in the olden days when a brokenhearted maiden could just shut herself inside her own bedroom and be taken care of. Not having to do anything at all. And the whole world just understood, she wasn't expected to pick herself up and do something about her life. Oh what luxury.
Instead, I have to go to work, I have to find a new apartment for myself. I have to build up this whole new life for myself. And I just don't have either the strength or the motivation to do it. I just don't. I don't even want to do it! It just sucks. All of it.

So today I'm cooking... again. It's going to be cheese-filled meatloaf with potatoes and sauce. Yumz... But it got me thinking. How come, whenever anyone shows themselves to be remotely good at something, everyone suddenly has a right to expect that person to do this thing at every opportunity possible. For example, ever since my parents noticed that I can cook, it has constantly been me cooking or asking me advice for cooking. Or.. when they noticed that I can paint a little, I suddenly needed to paint a picture for every family member and become worlds best. When i photographed a little - I'm suddenly a pro!

This would be okay for an over-proud family, but it is like that with almost everyone! As soon as I finished a one year course in cooking, I was expected to be a 5 star cook and know everything about restaurants, cooking, vitamins... well pretty much everything aaand be able to run my own restaurant. And have to make food for everyone I know. The funny thing is, I don't cook much differently than I did before this past year. Also, it is suddenly like no one else close to me can cook anymore, like me being here means - I'm cooking. I guess this is really flattering and fun for a while, but when the while has passed it is not so much fun anymore. I just want someone else to cook for me once in a while!! Just because I've listened to some teacher blabbing about for hours about a subject, doesn't make me an expert. And just because the goo I come up with once in a while doesn't taste so bad, doesn't make me the official goo-cook forever! And just because my camera sometimes cooperates with me, doesn't mean I actually know anything about photographing. Even though I'd like to think that I do. Just a tiny, weeny, little bit! Although people are so full of themselves these days, that they actually believe, that if they only manage to find the trigger - this will make them pro-shooters.

Anyhow... Dinnertime!!!