Vodka&Mint

Jump through the end of September where a heartbreaking chaos happens..
Through October with busy learning examination plans and huge shows to do..
Jump through almost the entire November with tiring work and funny days with friend...
Today I land here with complicated feelings about me..

Question: how could a person (me) turn out to be so freaking complicated and unbelievable and so hard to understand?
Answer: no one knows!

Objects: A lot.. =.= ... but what my heart turns to.. the object which i HAD .. not the objects which are following me right now.

Goal: 1 big hard but not impossible at this moment - GERMANY.

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What happened with me?

Well, (nearly) half a year ago an unexpected event happened to me and I cried the hell out of me. -> Now im kinda like " my heart is frozen, my tears are dry" and begin to think in a ridiculous way that... " i am amazingly awesome and too freaking beautiful so i dont care what the hell people think anymore" ( wow, that is not a nice and normal thought anyways.. but it helped me through the difficult time =)) )

I begin to think that.. I don't lose anything.. he lost me ^^ .. but I am sure that I am not ready to approach anyone and.. I still have feelings for him... yay for telling the truth!!!

In those couple months.. there are times I still confess to myself that I still love him.. I still purposely called a number that I know it is unreachable and said in the voice mail that.. at that particular moment i still love him freaking much... and he will not get this msg months later .. and at the time he get that msg, i dont know how my feelings will be let the future decide.

There are moment,honestly, I hate him so much that I just wanted to kill him.. but those are only moments though.. I wanted to kill him because I care bout him.. if i didnt care, I would never care about his existence at all.

The current time, I have the feeling that after all, I get over it.. But ..duh... gotta admit that not really.. okay, he still has some power on me... but not like before, right now I am able to control my feelings pretty much and the crawling bout missing him and everything bout his reaction is not a really big deal anymore.. it is still a deal though.. but not a big one..

That is to say because things are strangely coincidence sometimes..
Skype is my peaceful world.. The work required to be online on skype all the time in the work hours.. and he is kind of never on skype ... but those weeks .. after stupid angry email.. weeks later.. he is kinda online on skype tooo often to be true..
1st it was ok.. but when the work begins to annoys me.. i hated it when he goes online and offline couple days a time.. because of work i must stick my eyes to the pc screen.. so i caught it all =.=..
One day, I decided to say Hi to him.. just for a friendly pep talk from of a friend.. and the msg wont sent for days.. even when the connection was good. .. I thought "ok, now i am even in the ignore list. good to know" .. then he put his profile picture on it...(for the 1st time in over 2 years row since I 1st knew him) i thought " now, even a pic, duh >"<" ... I looked at his pic and thought.. he doesnt look like the one i fall in love with... even ..talk to the picture ( =)) lol i was so mentally crazy) and I went to bed..

I dreamed... bout him .. what I didn't often do.. and the vision of him was so ..real ..
He appears again here, in my house ( which is not true) something has to do with the PC, so we sat next to each other and tried to help each other.. He tried to tell me something and I tried to avoid to listen.. and in an eye blink.. he had to go.. and he disappears...
Strange dream.. but it has true elements for the present.. which is I am trying my best to not paying too much attention on him.. and the presence and disappearing still happens here.. between two friends now..

Silly thing it is the next day he replied my greetings ( for real ) well gotta say I was surprised and shock a little bit.. And the way of his answers.. something has changed.. I dont know what.. but more "respond-able" .. at least there is no silence and no simple "ok" from him

Yeah! I know! I am freaking toooooo sensitive sometimes.. and things sometimes are very simple but I made it more complicated because of the way I think and the way I feel things is different.. But I can see a slice change in someone's altitude if I pay attention to them.. because this little change they didnt do it on purpose.. but their mind some part wanted to make things better.. so they did things unconsciously
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What the hell I am writing about? I don't understand =))
And I so like this song below <3 because of it's lyric and melody obviously