Memoirs of a Twenty Something...

Well a lot has happened this week for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have decided I am going to get a place to stay which means that I don't have to hang around waiting for my bf to get back home (as he won't give me a key). I wouldn't dream of pushing him to let me move in etc... In fact, I don't think I would even want to at this stage. I wasnt to move in with HIM and not him and his brother. So I had a look at a lovely little place to stay last night. It's a lot more than I have paid in the past, but it's ideal location for my bf, work and is a good size! The girls that I met that live there seem really nice. The timings work with me, but I find out today if I got it or not! So fingers crossed.

I have noticed recently, I have been more 'in touch' with my feelings. I know I love my bf... But things feel 'not right'. I want to get that feeling from him. And I know what you guys have said, that he does love me. But I really want him to say it. When we were together before our split, he'd tell me everyday how much he loved me. He doesn't even tell me when I tell him now. And that hurts. I keep telling myself not to get too hung up on him, but I get the feeling that I might be past that stage.

I wrote this on my mobile the other day in the notes section as I had to write down what I felt at that moment in time:

I want to be loved. I Love him, but I don't know how he feels, I want him to know exactly how I feel, that I love him no matter what and that I'd do anything for him. He's the only guy I have ever loved, despite telling exes that I loved them at the time. I didn't know love until him. He feels so right. i wish he'd see the real me. Maybe I am not showing him enough of the real me.

That's my feelings in a nutshell

L xx

I know I tend to over react at times. I just feel that at the moment, I have every reason to. I am sick of people taking me for granted, I am sick of being second best and I am sick of being a so called embarrassment. Now, I do try to do everything to my best abilities - everything! Especially to those that I love. I am not sure what MORE I must do to make this guy fall in love with me? When I told him on the phone yesterday that I was going to take some time out, he was like 'ok...!' when I asked him why he didn't seem bothered, he said that I'd change my mind in 30 mins anyway!!! How frustrating! I want to disappear in a corner and bury my head away!



I wish I was stronger than I am! It is so hard not having somewhere to live though - I have to go back to Surrey if I decide that I don't want to be at his! That's over an hours drive from where I am though. I don't want to have to pay out money on rent again though if I dont have to! I want to buy and the more money I can save the better it is for me! But the question is, how long can I go on without a 'base' - somewhere to call 'home'? Who knows - But one things for sure, it's all going to blow up one day! I can't live like this anymore!!! Everyday I pray for a change in circumstances, but until now, I haven't been presented with the opportunity!

Anyway - Ciao friends...

Lilliana xx

I had a wonderful weekend! My bf and I really got on and bonded and I felt a lot better! His lack of 'I love yous' was brought up, but he responded which surprised me quite... 'You know how I feel!' he replied, 'I do love you silly'. Oh what relief!
'Good!' I replied! I had tears in my eyes - It was a happy moment!