DWARFS OF THE DWARFISH VARIETY - PART THREE
Thursday, 8. June 2006, 22:44:53
A wise man, who due to wanting to be eligible for my Anonymous Tip Reward has decided to remain anonymous, once said: "Dwarfs come in two varieties: those who speak with a Scottish accent, and those who don't".
What the layman will probably not understand is that the implied words after "don't" aren't "speak with a Scottish accent", but rather "who don't speak". Meaning "those who don't speak Human languages".
Dwarfs, you see, are veeeeeeery protective with their language. Unlike the Gnomes, who in the years around 55 DLTA decided that if they insisted on doing all their contracts in Gnomish, and used all kinds of horribly complex grammatical ways of writing in Gnomen, they could get away with a helluva lot more than they already were, and who therefore indirectly caused the entire world to start at least dabbling in Gnomish around 56 DLTA. And though their own language is nothing like Scottish, their English is decidedly like Scottish English. No one has ever been able to figure out why. Though some (Elves, obviously) have tried, little good has come of it. The most outrageous theory to date, for example, is that they speak like that because they like the sound of it, a theory which was indeed piped out of the collegium to which it was presented.
Speaking of Elves, this article is somewhat delayed due to an Elf - I won't mention any names, but he's blonde, tall, pointy-eared and somewhat girly-lookin' - insisting that I sent the article through the Elven Council of Non-Discriminative Behaviour Enforcement, seeing as though there apparently have been complaints that my articles on this page have been species-biased. I can't imagine how they ever got that into their thick - oh, I'm sorry, I meant their slim, elegant, super-human hyper-intelligent skulls, but I'm playing along, for the time being. I wonder if Tolkien ever had to deal with this sort of crap.* (Lewis probably did. I mean, there's a reason there are no Elves in Narnia, people! Again, I won't mention names, but Cyaldar, I'm looking at you.)
I'm getting off course, here. Where were we? Oh, yes, Dwarfs. Short, bearded fellows. Hm. Did I have a theme for this post? Anyone? No?
Hm.
Oh, well, it's getting late, anyway. And I think that I did write a whole bunch of stuff on the Dwarfs here, but then those Elves went ahead and censored it. Yes! Yes, that has to be it. I'm thinking I'll pick up where we left off in part four, which will be a roller-coaster of an article, written in beer, on beards. Or at least it will be about Dwarfs, more or less. More than less, hopefully. If the Elves don't short that one down, too.
*I'm suspecting he did. I mean, that Elrond-guy can't possibly be a multi-class Prophet Sage Ruler trying to upstage Gandalf in ancient lores without there being some kind of message behind it. The only reason he got through the censorship, I suspect, is due to being called a "Half-Elf" - which is bullocks, of course, the guy chose elfhood when given the choice by the Valar, thus making him an Elf for all intents and purposes. They tried the same chickening out in the movies, casting him as a guy who was physically incapable of being completely cleanly shaved, trying to move the blame over to the Humans.
Elrond, I council you to sleep lightly. We're on to you.
What the layman will probably not understand is that the implied words after "don't" aren't "speak with a Scottish accent", but rather "who don't speak". Meaning "those who don't speak Human languages".
Dwarfs, you see, are veeeeeeery protective with their language. Unlike the Gnomes, who in the years around 55 DLTA decided that if they insisted on doing all their contracts in Gnomish, and used all kinds of horribly complex grammatical ways of writing in Gnomen, they could get away with a helluva lot more than they already were, and who therefore indirectly caused the entire world to start at least dabbling in Gnomish around 56 DLTA. And though their own language is nothing like Scottish, their English is decidedly like Scottish English. No one has ever been able to figure out why. Though some (Elves, obviously) have tried, little good has come of it. The most outrageous theory to date, for example, is that they speak like that because they like the sound of it, a theory which was indeed piped out of the collegium to which it was presented.
Speaking of Elves, this article is somewhat delayed due to an Elf - I won't mention any names, but he's blonde, tall, pointy-eared and somewhat girly-lookin' - insisting that I sent the article through the Elven Council of Non-Discriminative Behaviour Enforcement, seeing as though there apparently have been complaints that my articles on this page have been species-biased. I can't imagine how they ever got that into their thick - oh, I'm sorry, I meant their slim, elegant, super-human hyper-intelligent skulls, but I'm playing along, for the time being. I wonder if Tolkien ever had to deal with this sort of crap.* (Lewis probably did. I mean, there's a reason there are no Elves in Narnia, people! Again, I won't mention names, but Cyaldar, I'm looking at you.)
I'm getting off course, here. Where were we? Oh, yes, Dwarfs. Short, bearded fellows. Hm. Did I have a theme for this post? Anyone? No?
Hm.
Oh, well, it's getting late, anyway. And I think that I did write a whole bunch of stuff on the Dwarfs here, but then those Elves went ahead and censored it. Yes! Yes, that has to be it. I'm thinking I'll pick up where we left off in part four, which will be a roller-coaster of an article, written in beer, on beards. Or at least it will be about Dwarfs, more or less. More than less, hopefully. If the Elves don't short that one down, too.
*I'm suspecting he did. I mean, that Elrond-guy can't possibly be a multi-class Prophet Sage Ruler trying to upstage Gandalf in ancient lores without there being some kind of message behind it. The only reason he got through the censorship, I suspect, is due to being called a "Half-Elf" - which is bullocks, of course, the guy chose elfhood when given the choice by the Valar, thus making him an Elf for all intents and purposes. They tried the same chickening out in the movies, casting him as a guy who was physically incapable of being completely cleanly shaved, trying to move the blame over to the Humans.
Elrond, I council you to sleep lightly. We're on to you.
WIDGETIZE
Erlend # 8. June 2006, 22:47
Georgius the Peasant # 8. June 2006, 22:54
But I get your subtle nudge, and Part Four will be the last Dwarf-centred-post. For now, anyway.
So, any requests for what or who that should be the theme for the article after "Dwarfs 4 Evah"? (A title which commited ritual suicide in pure shame shortly after being thought up, by the way) It could be anything, as long as it could be somehow relevant to anything giving a broad presentation of the world. Species, person, country, political unit, you name it.
Anonymous # 12. June 2006, 22:23
How about something about the calendar system? Lotsa nonsensical abbreviations so far...
But never mind the Dwarven OD. Dwarves are always fun. And it's so easy to make fun of them, too. Almost as easy as the Elves, the sluts.
Georgius the Peasant # 13. June 2006, 00:01
It's a tough act to follow. Except if you're an Elf, of course, in which case you can easily out-act almost anyone. (And they say I don't give credit to Elves where Elven credit is due!)