Friday, March 12, 2010 6:44:21 PM
Every morning you wake up and you have to decide. Will you get up now or later? What will you eat?
What will you drink-limonade or tea?
Everyday we have to decide. But how important are our decisions and which influence do they have on our life?
In the past few months lots of things happened.
I broke up with Pineapple because I was too naive. I wanted some magic in my life which I thought I did not have.
There were days when he came to my home and lay down because he had worked the whole day. That was ok at the beginning but then it became more and I said: "Pineapple. We do not do anything except work and study. Will we do anything else?"
"That will become only more in the future."
This was the answer.
I was shocked.
Could it be that me and him were removing ourselves because of our interests?
We always had a great appreciation. We liked and enjoyed different things for months but it was always ok and we still found each other.
And now everything was getting down because he only took time for his working and his acquisition at the university. I knew that this was important but I also did not want to sink in oblivion.
I thought:,No!' That was not I wanted to hear. I wanted more. More than working and studying.
Quickly I decided to plan a journey to Mallorca with him.
At the beginning he was not confident but then he aquiesced and we flew to the little island.
The trip was awesome. He had never sit in a plane before and was really agitated.
I became rude. It started in the vacation and end up three months later.
But what was happened?
I can't remember. It is like a hole in my memory.
What is it that makes our brain turn down and our feelings turn on no matter how irreational they are?
I mean you have a responsible guy at your site who cares for you and the job and suddenly you get this feeling that there has to be something more.
A couple of months later I met a guy on the street.
He was a photographer and something new. Something that activated my irrational feelings.
I fell overboard and decided to break up.
Terry (named after a famous photographer who I don't like) and me sat on a big ledge these days and when I closed my eyes he blew wind in my face and whispered: "Stardust." and smiled.
I was stupid in love. My brain went off and my belly was filled with butterflies. So many that I could not count them all.
Now. I am still together with him. At first it was great. We did things I had not done for a very long time.
But then everything changed a little. We took off our red glasses. So I asked for magic but I got an artist with hysteric fits if he see a new boring campagn of some designer or a new good looking girl.
Terry still claims that he loves me. But I can't breath anymore.
He is a photographer. He will always look for young attractive women. I could accept this but the truth is missing.
He wants to make pictures with me. Always. I don't even have time to write my blog. When you are stupid in love you stop everything what you could do for yourself.
What will happen if somebody is lording over you?
If somebody is making you a bad conciousness because of unimportant things?
Will you get crazy?
Will you start to be paranoic?
That is my question. What leads you to make decisions? And what will happen if you made a mistake?
Will you ask yourself ever and ever again ,what if'?
I have to admit that so far I always was confident with my decisions but now. Since six months I play it again and again in my brain and I find no end.
I came to the result that the first time in my life I made such a big mistake which is not removable.
Pineapple is now happy with a new girlfriend.
Me-I consider my life and will be an adult girl and will accept my decision.
And I also decided again. I packed my bag and went to my friend's place and decided to write my blog.
It was a good decision.[/ALIGN]
Monday, August 4, 2008 8:30:18 PM
Last sunday I had a date with my buddy Eric. It wasn't less than a date but more a meeting. We had a drink and afterwards we went to the cinema and watched the new movie with Anne Heathaway.
It was a tepid summer evening and it was not that late so I offered him to accompany me into my direction. But I have to admit that the tram station in my direction was one of the stops of his bus he had to take. So that it was not a detour for him but a long walk.
I was by bike so that I wanted to wait with him for his bus (he invited me to the cinema and paid the little meal we had so that I didn't want to get the feeling that I owe him something or be rude if
I disapear suddenly with the words: ,nice evening, thanks!').
My buddy Eric is a little bit shy. But not shy in the typical way. Eric acts like he would have a broomstick up in his butt. You feel like you would be on a first date ever and ever again. It is like no one of each other gets known better.
But this time as we sat on a bench we had an interesting discussion about love. Especially his break up.
He told me that his girlfriend -the girlfriend where he thought she would be the only one and would be together with her for the rest of his life- has said she wants to break up after four and a half year on phone.
She has called it off on phone.
And I asked him whether they talked to each other face to face after this but he answered no. She (let us name her Karren) -Karren- came to his house took her things and went away. But not alone but with his best friend. With Eric's best friend.
So I asked myself: What makes love with us?
What happens with us when we fall in love?
And why are there people who don't respect that really strong feeling?
If I am in panic because me and Pineapple are currently seperated and I am start to dispute everything and want to break up then Pineapple becomes quiet and says: ,Tell me that to my face next time I'll be in town.'
I think he is right (except that I won't break up).
I mean after such a long time you shared everything with the partner you owe your partner a face-to-face break up. You are indepted to your partner and to yourself for that.
Because you let a partner in your life. You let him/her be a part of it.
You do almost everything with him/her so that it is not too much to ask for if you want a mannered break up.
After weeks Karren has written him a letter glutted with reproaches.
So that Eric even hasn't had the possibility to defend or legitimate himself.
What kind of relationship is this?
Or what kind has it been?
It is the most important thing in a relationship to talk with the partner.
If that is not given the relationship is more a farce than a partnership.
The end of that story is that Eric is still in pain especially because Karren is together with his best friend one week after the break up.
Singing and loving cannot be enforced. But after you've shared moments with the other one I think you want to bear everything in mind one time.
And that should not be disturbed by a bad brake up.
He's tried to stay friends with Karren but she hasn't wanted to.
She even hasn't wanted to talk to him. She only has wanted to be together with Eric's best friend.
And the only things she has left are a letter and bittersweet memories...
Saturday, July 26, 2008 1:16:12 PM
I was really lucky that the weather in Germany became pretty hot after I wrote my exams.
It is always the same problem: you learn while the sun is shining and after the exams the weather turns foul and you sit at home. NO - not this summer! The weather is awesome and altough my boyfriend left me alone in our city - because he has to do a practical training in a small town in the south of Germany - I am happy and have a lot to do!
I wanted to change some things in my life. The first part to put it into effect was to move into my own flat (but I have to admit that I do not already move into it).
Yes, after all that topic with Pineapple I found a flat near the city. I was so happy! Everything will alter now. I will be totally independent and do not ask permanently when we can move together. Of course I did not ask always to anger or to browbeat him but to start changing my life and I learned that everything needs time and that the change does not start with other people but with yourself.
This lesson was important to take.
And I met lots of new people so that everything in my life is going on.
But there are still worries concerning me and Pineapple - worries that we alienate from each other because of the huge distance.
And of course there are smart and pretty guys between the people I met.
The question is when everyone of each other is changing herself or himself - do we stay the same people with the same dreams, emotions and fantasies?
I do not know.
The only answer for that probematic question is: LOVE.
If he needs and loves me and if I need and love him is it possible then that everyone of us change but concerning love do we stay the same - around this "Love core"?
This is life: a big surprise.
We can only do everything in one's power.
The summer hitlist with really great summer songs:
1.) Air - All I Need
2.) Gabriella Cilmi - Sweet About Me
3.) The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
4.) Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now
5.) Estelle - No Substitute Love
6.) Peter Fox - Alles Neu
7.) Fergie - Labels Or Love
8.) Monrose - Strike The Match
9.) Kid Rock - All Summer Long
10.) Simple Minds - Don't You (Forget You About Me)
11.) The Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up
12.) Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made For Walking
Thursday, July 10, 2008 7:24:45 PM
Last time I went to the train station I thought about the possiblities in life.
What chances does everybody has in life?
In the last six month one question was really important for me. Namely that me and Pineapple could move together. It is practical for me to move to my university town but he has to finish his study in the town where we live. That was the reason I agreed moving together inside our city.
But he said he cannot and wouldn't be able to do that. Not yet and not soon.
It is obviously that I was really cut up.
But this fact opened a new perception for me and my life. I asked myself what could happen if I really move together with a partner yet. I considered the idea to replace my boyfriend with my brother Glass and to move together with him. But when I will never be independent never be alone and never create something for my own will I ever be able to "survive" in life?
Will I ever be dependent on somebody? Depend on parents depend on friends, boyfriends, fellow students? Or will I be able to handle myself and face the ordinary life?
And what about my future life?
Nowadays it is really difficult to decide between family and career.
Once I asked Princess what she thinks about this and she answered: ,I don't want a career. It is enough for me to get my university graduation and when I have a partner then why shouldn't I get a baby? Or found a family? But of course he has to be prosperous so that I can get the standard in life I want to have.'
Handle a family and a career is so much exacting.
I know lots of women who want to get a baby one time and of course I know women who don't even want to marry.
But what about the 'traditional thought of family' then?
I belong to the women who want to get married one time with a white wonderful dress in a church where the pews are filled with amazing flowers.
Will a baby really destroy a career because of less time?
And what about the independence of each other?
There are girls in my academic year who are already pregnant. They are convinced that they will handle a baby and a study. I am impressed because I could never do that. Mainly because there are not so much benefits for single women with kids or little families in the study.
And what will I do? Will I wait for Pineapple? Is love that strong that you put yourself on hold?
I don't know that yet but I am sure that everything has a reason and that a partner is mostly a decision for a family one time and what the future brings...
It lies ahead.
Monday, July 7, 2008 1:08:25 PM
I thought a long time about how I could name my first new blog.
I am new in that "Internet-branch" and I decided to write everything in English.
Two reasons: first I try to train myself and second I wanted everybody to read my blog regardless of which country he or she belongs to.
Me, I am from Germany and I want to create a new column genre. The new Carrie Bradshaw, but without Sex and the City. Of course it is difficult to stay in such a branch. A forteriori if nobody wants to read your column because it might be senseless and boring.
Maybe I should start with thoughts about myself and my life.
My name is Lyllie I am 20 years old and I am studying business administrations. I have a boyfriend called Pineapple, a brother called Glass, a best female friend named Princess and a gorgeous cavy named Cookie. My life is circulating around these important people and the university...