Friday, March 12, 2010 6:44:21 PM
Every morning you wake up and you have to decide. Will you get up now or later? What will you eat?
What will you drink-limonade or tea?
Everyday we have to decide. But how important are our decisions and which influence do they have on our life?
In the past few months lots of things happened.
I broke up with Pineapple because I was too naive. I wanted some magic in my life which I thought I did not have.
There were days when he came to my home and lay down because he had worked the whole day. That was ok at the beginning but then it became more and I said: "Pineapple. We do not do anything except work and study. Will we do anything else?"
"That will become only more in the future."
This was the answer.
I was shocked.
Could it be that me and him were removing ourselves because of our interests?
We always had a great appreciation. We liked and enjoyed different things for months but it was always ok and we still found each other.
And now everything was getting down because he only took time for his working and his acquisition at the university. I knew that this was important but I also did not want to sink in oblivion.
I thought:,No!' That was not I wanted to hear. I wanted more. More than working and studying.
Quickly I decided to plan a journey to Mallorca with him.
At the beginning he was not confident but then he aquiesced and we flew to the little island.
The trip was awesome. He had never sit in a plane before and was really agitated.
I became rude. It started in the vacation and end up three months later.
But what was happened?
I can't remember. It is like a hole in my memory.
What is it that makes our brain turn down and our feelings turn on no matter how irreational they are?
I mean you have a responsible guy at your site who cares for you and the job and suddenly you get this feeling that there has to be something more.
A couple of months later I met a guy on the street.
He was a photographer and something new. Something that activated my irrational feelings.
I fell overboard and decided to break up.
Terry (named after a famous photographer who I don't like) and me sat on a big ledge these days and when I closed my eyes he blew wind in my face and whispered: "Stardust." and smiled.
I was stupid in love. My brain went off and my belly was filled with butterflies. So many that I could not count them all.
Now. I am still together with him. At first it was great. We did things I had not done for a very long time.
But then everything changed a little. We took off our red glasses. So I asked for magic but I got an artist with hysteric fits if he see a new boring campagn of some designer or a new good looking girl.
Terry still claims that he loves me. But I can't breath anymore.
He is a photographer. He will always look for young attractive women. I could accept this but the truth is missing.
He wants to make pictures with me. Always. I don't even have time to write my blog. When you are stupid in love you stop everything what you could do for yourself.
What will happen if somebody is lording over you?
If somebody is making you a bad conciousness because of unimportant things?
Will you get crazy?
Will you start to be paranoic?
That is my question. What leads you to make decisions? And what will happen if you made a mistake?
Will you ask yourself ever and ever again ,what if'?
I have to admit that so far I always was confident with my decisions but now. Since six months I play it again and again in my brain and I find no end.
I came to the result that the first time in my life I made such a big mistake which is not removable.
Pineapple is now happy with a new girlfriend.
Me-I consider my life and will be an adult girl and will accept my decision.
And I also decided again. I packed my bag and went to my friend's place and decided to write my blog.
It was a good decision.[/ALIGN]