The week has been extremely hard... Sometimes my work is okay but when I'm tired and we have a lot of customers I feel like crying or screaming. Luckily I have my day off now. I got some red spots around my arms they are hurting Have to be more careful with the soaps.
I'm thinking about moving to Portugal. Some days I feel good about it. Like I go there start to study portuguese, find a job and later even go to university. But then on a bad days I'm thinking how my money will be enough, and if I won't get into the university and all this kind of negative things. I have soon my auditions to theater school and i have to apply to Helsinki university too. But I just don't feel like because I wanna go to Portugal.
And my mum is not making any help of everything. We have fighted a lot of last times. Maybe because I'm hanging now too much at home. I should have moved away like couple years ago i think. But i just didn't had the chance and even if I have she wouldn't let me because I'm her only child now and she would been lefted alone. which is sad and what I'm also thinking when dreaming about moving that how my mum will be.
As I learned from my old Brazilian friends: La vida e muito complicada
How do I know this? Well, you'll probably think that the snow has melted and the sun is shining yet lightly. But the thing that the snow is melting don't mean automatically the spring in Finland because after tomorrow can snow again Anyhow, the trustful sign of the spring is people. They start to open a little.
Today when I was coming from work (btw. I'm working everyday in that cafe at the airport now)I was paying more attention to people and I saw a lot of beauty. One young man with dredlocks had eyes like pure water. Three little girls were really cute and their conversation was light and full of joy. An ugly girl with friendly nature inside. Students bouncing next to bar and laughing from the bottom of their souls.
Everything that I saw made me think where all this were hiding during the long and dark winter? I realized that I myself had been hiding under my huge down jacket, wool scarf and hat. All I could see under this was other people covered with the same jackets.
Now slowly and very carefully we start to peel outside from our armors. Like little flowers. How good feels the sun after so many months chaos and depression. Welcome!
Panda went to Portugal today. I really hope he will be good and wish him a lot of luck with his new life there. Wasn't so hard to say goodbye to him. Maybe because he gave me so much time to get use with this. Or maybe because we didn't say goodbye forever. Or because I realized how poorly he was doing in this country and how miserable he was here. Integration to other country can be so hard. Especially if you come from a place which is really different from Finland like Brazil. Undersanding all this I just couldn't be so selfish and force him to stay just because I need him.
I haven't yet realized that he's away now. I think tomorrow after work I will try to call to his old number to ask what we gonna do today. I hope I won't get too sad when the women's voice will say that I can't contact with this number.
Three complitely strangers to eachother sat at the same table. Me, my mum and my step brother. It was my brother's 34th birthday. My mum had made some yammy food and like always came no friends and family. We had almost nothing to talk. Strange how life has set us apart.
This is pretty normal in Finland. You barely ever talk to your cousins. This thing is really sad here. I have always wanned one big "italian" family. I'm jeallous to them who are close with their parents. I wish that I'll have a nice family really close and my husband and kids will be all like my best friends and when we will sit at the same table we will weel everything but strangers
Today I was washing dishes in one cafe at Helsinki-Vantaa aeroport. While cleaning the tables I saw peoples with their baggage, business men talking on their cell phones and typing on their laptops, beautiful stuardess chatting about their private life...
The atmosphere is very hectic. The planes bring people from countries far and take them to new destinations all the time. And while I was washing the dishes I was thinking from where are the people coming, what they have left behind and what is waiting them ahead.
This all made me a bit melancholic. I remebered some friends coming and leaving from my life and how i miss them eventhough I thought I won't miss them since they were in my life so short period but they anyway left their footsteps and fingerprints into my heart. And every now and then when I discover one this kind of mark in my heart it makes me smile and shaking my head I murmur to myself those were the happy days.
Panda says the company makes your life and today I really enjoyed my day. Today we visited the seafortness of Helsinki. It's situated on four small islands about 20 minutes from city on a ferry. The day was not perfect at all for this trip since the best time in fortness is at summer and today was booring grey winter/spring day.
On the way we was had this ameba mood when it's hard even to walk and you feel tired sitting. But then after some tome of walking on a fresh marine air we or at least I get more energy and we were exploring the islands and chekin every hole in the stone walls. With me and panda there were also our friend Balbi he's also Brazilian like Panda. And boy we had a good time. I laughed a lot!
Then after couple hours we get tired. Then boys started both talk on the phones and I wanned to start imitating them and my hand was reaching for my cell in the pocket when I realized that it was gone. I looked at Panda and said that i had droped my phone. Panda couldn't believe because last time when we visited the fortness happend the same thing. Luckily that time I found it after long searches from the place I had noticed it gone. This time we had other phone to call to my phone and by ringingtone we found it again easly walking back the way we had came. It was lying on the ground I'm like this I can even drop my keys into the toilet.
When we were going back to the continental Helsinki we lost our ferry and we had to wait one hour for the next one. We were almost starving. So we pick some snacks in the shop and sitted in the port eating and looking at the calm sea. And when the ferry finally came to pick us the sun suddenly showed up and I was little bit sad cuz I wished this moment last forever. On the city we met by accident one guy from Portugal and he started to chat with us. He told to Panda a little about life in Portugal. Maybe it was a sign...
Today I worked hard. I was sitting in Yulia's shop and the whole day I was reading a book, drinking tea and waiting for the customers. What a dream job! No, actually I'm the worst seller ever 'cause I hate to sell. When comes the customers I of course help them but I rather speak with them about the weather or something nice then try talk them to buy something. If I would be Yulia I would fire me. Haha.
I'm reading now one really interesting book The Human Web: A Bird's-Eye View of World History. Today I finnished the first chapter about how Homo Sapiens invaded the whole world starting from the Africa. They hunted and collected berries and fruits, made tools to hunt better, invented the language to help communicating and dances to bring all the tribe members together. Was pretty amaizing time and so long ago... I'm kinda thinking that 2000 years is so short time for a mankind... but in the other had the world develops so fast nowadays.
Here in Finland you don't have so much things to do during the days. Especially if you don't study or work. So after having beeing the whole midday inside infront of computer I decided that it was time to get some fresh air. Outside was a beautiful weather but a lot of snow. It seemed like a perfect day to visit my favourite spot.
I grabbed my camera and dialled to my friend Tulip who lives near from the place and said that I'm coming to pick her. She didn't seem so enthousiastic since I caught her in the middle of cosy daydreeming but i convinced her to leave the bed and step outside towards adventures. And what a wonderful day we had!
My mum came back from her little trip. I was waiting her at the bus station. Then we went together home. That was actually nice. I told her what's going on my life and she told me news from St.Petersburg. I told her even about Panda going to Portugal and me maybe visit him in the summer and she reacted kinda cool.
The video and journalism club was today really loud and active. Video operator Nadja told us couple rules of shooting and editing which I wrote down chaotically. Just now came in my mind to share theese tips here. I'll make some nice instructions or something later. Then we watched my videos and i get some constuctive feedback. Here you can see my video about freeze improvisation here in Helsinki:
Then the rest time of our meeting we were drinking tea like russian tradition and with our georgian journalist Levan we were debating about wether a man(or a woman) in high political position has his right for private life including lovers etc. This case was based on the latest scandal about the finnish minister of international relations sending over 300 love sms to one his stripper friend during his worktime
Theese are the last days with Panda He's going away pretty soon. Maybe even before next week. I'm trying not to think about it. Otherwise I would start to cry. Yesterday when we were drinkin tea with toasts and jam i saw tears coming from Pandas eyes.
I didn't know what to say. We're planing that i will come to visit him to Portugal in two months and then maybe move there with him which is making this whole thing much easier. But I think we both feel that this is not for sure.
So complicated this thing. But like I said I try not to think about this now and enjoy the last days and pray for the best.
My Opera
Have to be more careful with the soaps. 
