Madison

Well I've changed the look a bit. I'm still keeping this blog...for now. Visit my new blog at http://thebyronicheroine.blogspot.com/.
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New Blog...

Thursday, March 29, 2007 5:07:56 PM

For now I am still keeping this blog, however my new blog's web URL is http://madskye.blogspot.com/. You can follow this link or use the Angel Astray link on the menu. I will be posting at this new blog from now on.[/COLOR][/ALIGN]

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Bleeding Soul...

Friday, February 23, 2007 8:24:45 PM

Here I still am, still solid on this world spinning alone in the inky blackness of empty space. But strange as it is, I think I’m learning something about the way it truly works. I am still the uncertain figure hiding in the shadows whose eyes glow with an unnatural fire. Their cruel and seductive voices still play in my head beckoning me into his dark embrace. And sometimes he wins. In those dark times when my soul aches from the lonely pain held within it. It is then that I, as one who suffers from madness, fall into his embrace. His caressing claws, a paradox within himself. Why must this beauty be evil? I do not know the answer. I probably never will.
And then there are other times when I fight. When I claw and scratch and scream and grasp until either I fall from exhaustion onto the one I am fighting or I cry for help to HIM. Those times are worse I think. I become weakened so fast from the endless struggle. It all seems so pointless.I think I've learned something. I was raised to rely upon myself. There was no one else. That is until Asrael entered the scene. I came to rely on him, it was probably the first time I had ever relied on anyone else. I am still very reliant on him. Our souls are so tightly wrapped around each other. I do not know if my twisted psyche can ever truly be free. Or perhaps freedom is a cruel illusion. A shadow that you can never really touch…
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Abyss of soul...

Saturday, February 10, 2007 5:08:03 PM

Psyche, the realm of the mind. And mine is a darkened mind. No matter what I do I am this creature of nightmares and ethers. I cannot change this. I do not know how. Sometimes I do not even know if I want to. I shrink from Kristos out of fear and revulsion, and yet even as I do I press closer to that darkened lord Asrael. I cannot break free of his deadly grip on my soul. The flowers of life wilt around me. I bring nothing but despair to those I encounter and those I love. Who can lift me from this abyss of soul?[/FONT][/ALIGN]

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Darker...

Monday, January 29, 2007 10:51:30 PM

I've tried to step into the light, yet it's getting so much darker. Why? Why is it that every time I try to come to Kristos I fail? Are there some who simply cannot ever overcome the Nightmares? Is it possible that I have somehow offended his soul to the point of which I cannot come to him? And my heart still tied to that darkened lord fears what will happen. I beg for death, yet fear it and I travel this realm filled with deadly fear. I do not know what to do...[/COLOR][/ALIGN]

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Unsure...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 5:09:34 PM

I want to end my darkened life, yet somehow I do not. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm so afraid. Asrael tells me I am the phoenix, and that nothing can stop my fate. The Krist tell me that Kristos loves me, and that he can rescue me. I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting and failing and fearing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I should do. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what I want. I just don't know!
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So Afraid...

Saturday, January 13, 2007 3:24:39 AM

I'm so afraid that I can't do this. That I can't follow Kristos. That I can't fight Asrael. I'm so afraid that I'm too bound to him to ever be free. Am I merely a leech? Someone who sucks the life from others, and who can never be more than a destroyer? The petrifying fear that paralyzes me as he holds me keeps me locked in his fatal embrace. Part of me longs for him even as he hurts me. My instinct tells me that he is my master. That I serve only him. I gave my heart to him so long ago, fully, like a child. And I find it nearly impossible to break those ties, to cut those heartstrings. And even as I try, even as I hold the dagger to my heart a rushing pain floods my soul with venom and blood. How can I fight this? I feel myself weakening and I do not believe I can stand against him much longer...

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It's the Fear...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 5:56:23 PM

The ominous feeling in my soul grows. Things have become even more difficult. I almost called out to Asrael yesterday. I felt so alone, and so afraid. I wanted to so badly. But I did not somehow. I wanted to drown myself, I still do. I fear that I shall never be able to trust Kristos. I want to, but I cannot. I do not know how long I can continue. I don't know how long I can keep myself from sinking. I don't know if I can trust Kristos to save me from this path of destruction. I sometimes do not even know if I want to be saved. Silver's venom flows forth from me, and I try to fight it. Nothing seems to make sense. I am lost in a land of nightmares filled with screaming pain. My nightmares grow more vivid. I want so badly to end my futile existence. I cannot stand much longer. My soul weakens and my heart screams. Aidez-moi un dieu...
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A New Year...

Thursday, January 4, 2007 6:13:05 PM

It is a new year, others may look with hope upon this, I fear that mine would only be stolen. I hold little hope for myself, but I must hold some to survive. I cannot do this without hope, and so a small spark stays lit despite the odds, the foes and the pain. This is the first New Year that I have passed into without being aligned with Asrael. It is very strange to me.
I feel lost within the world. I do not have a place among the Krist. I wander as a restless spirit when I am with them. I do not think I can ever belong with them. There is one exception to this rule, Kir. If it were not for her I know I would have given up by now.
And then there is Asrael who tells me things and caresses me with one hand while he claws me with the other. He is a paradox to me. A dual seduction and repulsion. I do not understand him. Or why part of me longs for him. I am my own paradox. Sadly my soul still loves him, but I try to fight him. He is a cruel master and a fearsome creature, there is one far more powerful, but I fear him greatly.
I do not know what the following year will bring.I do not know if there will be more pain before there is less. I do not know if I will sink back into the darkness, or if I will rise into the shining light. In the end, I can only move forward for time drags us with it without choice...
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Painful Poison...

Saturday, December 23, 2006 4:45:27 AM

My life continues. The world spins round and I am left uncertain and afraid. For years I have asked of Asrael what he is. My answer is now revealed. He is ancient, and he is deadly. Yet part of me wants him. A painful and deadly poison flows in my veins. And I am dependent upon it. I fear death, or worse without it. Yet to have it is Tarturus. I would be embraced by the fiery pit itself. I do not wish to be tormented and afraid all the time, but I fear the freedom that Kristos offers. What if I fight, only to fail?
I watch others enjoying the holidays and I cannot join them. A powerful and deep sorrow lives within my heart. I fear what I am, I fear Asrael, and I fear Kristos. I feel trapped. The net that I have helped weave holds my bleeding heart prisoner. And I do not know how to break free. I know of he who has the power to free me, yet I fear him. And though I fear my captor I love him. Damned, I love him! I cannot change my heart, I am bound too deeply to him. Kristos what am I? What will I become? Do I belong to him like he tells me? Is he right? Is it true? Am I unsavable? I know his mother tongue is deceit, yet, what he says rings true within my very soul...
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