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Posts tagged with "jokes"

Whats "UP"?

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Lovers of the English language, which most of you're for sure, might enjoy this.....There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing - a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions if you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............Time to shut UP ...!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES!!!

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Monday

Tuesday


Wednesday


Thursday


Friday


Friday at 17:00

Saturday...... 12:00 ..... 2:00 3:00

Sunday all day

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Strange (but funny) thoughts!

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If money does'nt grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza comes in a square box?

Why does'nt stick to its bottle?

Why do you still call it building when it is already built?

If its true that we are here to help others, what are other here for?

If you are'nt supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?





Funny ads of the day!

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Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."

Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

Funny advertisements of the day!

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A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

Funny advertisements!

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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
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