Obsession

The song that saved me today


This isn't about Sobriety... it's about change... it's about perseverance. About getting through one more day... and being proud of that, even if you still struggle...

As I sang along in my car on the way home, my heart and my voice broke... especially when she sings: And I don't know......I could crash and burn but maybe.....At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me"

I wondered if anyone else hurting right now may get something out of it. It isn't often I post a song, but it's... always very special to me if I do.

Big thank you to Lindsay, my new friend who inadvertently made me think of this song. I needed something today.

"Sober"

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers







Oh Hey, by the way... This is my new haircut... it was almost down to my waist before... so.. big thing I guess. Thought it looked more "supervisory"...

One of these days, I will have to post a picture with makeup and my hair actually done and whatnot, but for now, I'm a simple gal. This is how I look... all the time.. Pretty much. *winks*

Sometimes...

The tough things can overwhelm. Tie you up. Pin you down.
Hurts to breathe. Hard to walk.
All alone. Cannot talk.

Life can pull you to your knees.
Do whatsoever it may please.

But all it takes is just one thing,
To live again. Make you sing.

As I sang so much this day...
When hope had seemed so far away....

All it takes is just one spark
To break the confines of the dark

Seeing things I cannot see... Thinking things that are not me...
Splendor masked within a touch, brush strokes done without a brush.

My eyes won't let me look away. I have it all... at least today...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's trite, but for some reason, it works for me right now, and that's what I wanted.... to always be me. Some other day can be for fancy words and deep meanings. As much as it's simple, please don't assume you understand. There is only one person who will understand.

I could name a long list of people here that have suffered. Hurt. Lost. Had their heart destroyed. Had unspeakable things happen. Lived with pain as a constant companion. Had their heart broken. Made needed choices that hurt so deep to be strong through. Dealt with curveballs so cruel... *blinks back tears*

My heart aches for them all... every moment of undeserved suffering that people I care about have had all around me. It's no secret that at moments, it has overwhelmed me. There are times I've logged off Opera and just cried. My empathy consumes me, and it's never a choice. It's who I am.

And dealing with.. well my own life... it's hard. So many of life's pains are never shown to others. I cannot imagine I could bear it all if they were.

For me, I have... moments of serene calm, where I feel that silent strength that things will be okay. I've had three in the last two days.... I have two in pictures, and all the feelings on all these things mashed together in a simple sort of way... in a way... they are related.. they are one.

My daughter and I stopped less than a minute after I picked her up today to take this picture, and I felt... that this spoke to me in a very powerful way. That much of the suffering around me will be quelled. It felt... so certain.

And that... made me very happy indeed.

God, it seems pretty insignificant, and I'm no photographer, but I wish you could have seen that sky over the river in person. It was heart stopping.

"You don't always get what you want... you get what you need." ~The Rolling Stones

Be well. All of you..

I eat my lunch typically in the community room of the apartment complex my client lives in....

Got a little kitchen area, and some comfy chairs and coffee tables, where I pull out my simple lunch and eat in silence most days.

Yesterday, I get there, and there are three women chatting away, pulled up on stools to the kitchen counter. Loud. Animated.

Inside, I'm mildly irritated. But whatever, it's not even my community room. They give me a glossy once over, dismiss me of any value, and continue their chitchat.

As much as I'm keeping to myself, I cannot help the analytical, assessing side of me that realizes quickly the trio is really comprised of one woman holding court and her two followers/enablers who seem enthralled with her every dripping narcissistic word.

I study her for a solid twenty seconds, and note her appearance would give nary a clue what kind of person she is.... She is normal height, slender, dressed casually, and had shoulder-length brown hair pulled back into a headband, unobtrusive glasses. No noticeable make-up.

She looks very normal.

I entered the conversation with her proclaiming how "Janet isn't talking to her" and spend the next half hour explaining why, going into segueways whenever she felt the fancy.

I got to listen to 15 million reasons why everyone should go to her house for the holidays. Um, yeah, like every holiday. Her big family (of four including her), her wonderfully centralized location, her wonderful furnishings, her gourmet cooking skills, her ability to handle chaos, the total mind control she had over her poor husband who likely will never know how much she uses and manipulates him to get whatever she wishes, and so on and so forth.

*shrugs* Beyond the completely crappily demeaning comments about her husband, who is a saint, by the way, in my opinion.... The rest of what was said were valid issues or points or whatever... Right? Maybe.

The source of my utter frustration upon having to listen to her, was two-fold:

1.) Anytime one of her two little subjects attempted to speak that was NOT a comment or question that allowed Queen Bitch to continue the discussion of the world according to her, she swiftly redirected the conversation back to her and then passive- aggressively criticized the offending woman.

Actual example:
"AaaaNYWAY, as I was saying... *scoffs* Dale is at the store for the sixth time because he can't seem to get the stuff correctly... *pause and makes a face and points to offending woman* Did you do something new with your hair??"

*lady touches her hair and her eyes get wider* Noooo.

"Hmmmmm" she says squinting slightly, "looks kinda weird today, *waves her hand and half laughs* "Eh, maybe it's the light in here... Anyway so Dale calls me, can you BELIEVE he had to actually CALL me from the store....?"

The "offending" woman only said affirming things and nodded for the next twenty minutes, and sympathically watched the other women in the trio get her turn at being slammed a bit later.

2.) Queen Bitch couldn't just praise her own wonderfulness, it was always paired with slamming someone else who wasn't even there to defend themselves.

Actual example:

"So I gave in that one time, and drug everyone to Hayward for Easter...Lemme tell you, her entire house is the size of this community room (blah blah more of this travesty)"

"Did you bring anything or did she do the cooking pretty much" dutifully asks the prior conversation smackdown recipient, trying to win back favor with Queen Bitch.

*rolls eyes* "You would think if we had to drive thaaaaat far, I could at least get to just enjoy myself right? *heavy sigh* But noooooo, I brought the cranberry walnut salad, my famous layered dream desert, and, of course, homemade bread..."

"Did she make a ham, then?"

*laughs gleefully* "Roger made the ham....The ONLY thing she made was the spinach dip, you know, from FROZEN spinach and whatnot. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't BAD and all, but her daughter told me she was lucky if it took her a full five minutes to whip THAT up, when I asked (Poor kid was unwitting used to smackdown her own mother ) Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't just buy it from the store, seriously..."



For a half an hour, my ears were assaulted by her bitching, moaning and judgmental crap.

But as I sat there, I had a reality check.

Truth is, there are a lot of people like HER in this world.

The reason it bothered me so, was because I make it a point to avoid people like her, and therefore, do not have to listen to this type of discussion ever.

And made it a concrete point in my brain to be on the lookout for this type of offending behavior within myself.

I know I judged this woman here. Yep. I did it. In a way, I feel like a mirror when I write. So much of what I express is what I observe.
And yes, my opinions on it too.

I figure it's important to know who and what you are as a person... But equally important to know what you don't wanna be.

I don't ever wanna be her. Perfect as she thinks she is...

Has your life ever changed in an instant? Hung in a breath?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt you deserved nothing good in this world?

Have you ever separated your mind and your heart thinking you could handle it, and then found out not?

Have you gone through the motions of the passing seconds in awe, wondering how so?

Have you ever been so scared you couldn't breathe?

Yeah... I have.

And I'm not really sure what will happen next. Or what my life will be.

Until I know, I'm gonna observe. I can't trust myself to speak or type. And I wouldn't know what to say if I did.

Ever see a writer just not have the words?

Please pray for me. *sobs*

What's a deal breaker? Simply put, it's something you won't be okay with. The line drawn.

Maybe like the new puppy that isn't potty trained after five months, and just peed in your purse right in front of you! This happened to my friend and it was a dealbreaker. The dog found a new home.

In dating, people are choosy, and rightfully so. Got me thinking to deal breakers my friends had that made me laugh, and ones of my own that I've decided to adopt.

"His feet are nasty. I mean, his nail made my leg bleed when we cuddled last night!"

"She refuses to kiss me until I've brushed my teeth in the morning. She couldn't love me then."

"She told my mother to 'cut it out' sternly when she baratted me in front of everyone for forgetting the camera as our daughter was blowing out birthday candles!"

"He won't stop humping my leg all the time!"

"She always has a headache..."

"One eye is kinda lazy and it freaks me out!!"

"She counts every calorie she eats, and writes it down in a notebook. If she's that anal about her diet, imagine how critical she will be of me. "

"He flirts with other women in front of me."

"She doesn't clean her belly button. "

"He has a unibrow. "

"She refuses to shave her legs in the winter!"

"He USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!"

"She can't even parallel park."

"B-but she likes cats!"

*giggles* Some of them you may relate to, some just laugh at.

So tell me, what are your deal breakers? In life? In dating?