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Obsession

STICKY POST

Sal-u-what?

Salutations!
That's just my fancy way of saying hello. I stole-ed it from one of my favorite-ist books as a child, Charlotte's Web.

Anyhoo....
Glad you came here... :happy:

Just want all to know that I do write pretty frequently, but I make a lot of it friends only for my own reasons.

I'm not opposed to adding friends, but I am somewhat cautious. Ya can't just go around making friends willy-nilly these days.

Maybe we can go around the room, state your name (or nickname), something you enjoy doing, and a random fact about yourself.

Sound like too much work? Just say hi. I'm friendly, despite what they told ya. :left:

I DID IT!

Pardon my enthusiasm, but this is big for me.

I just spent the last three hours making my resume perfect. A letter of intent that was brilliant.

A procrastinator by nature, I have always looked at big assignments as eh... I'll do them... Of course I will.... but I make them perfect in my mind by conception first.

The job? I know a few of you know I once was a supervisor. A good one.

Long story short, the position above me was a revolving door. Nine bosses in two years. The ninth one tried to get me fired and falsely accused me of a lot of things... my personal life was falling apart. I stepped down after feeling unsupported by my chain of command.

It... crushed me. Those of you who know me well must have a sense of my mind and what type of leadership I'd provide.. I do behavior modification. And it's one of only a few gifts that I possess. I'm really... excellent at what I do. It's magic.

Months back, I went for my old job again. They wanted me to take a pay cut. I said no. End of story. I wasn't ready then probably, anyway.

Now, guess who's job I'm going for? Boss Number 9... nah, she didn't crack or get fired-- everyone asks me :lol: Going back to school, actually.

But, I keep smiling... and hoping that if God loves irony as much as I do, that He finds it in His will to have her train me before she goes. So she can see she didn't break me, but came back stronger.

*lafs* I really don't care. It'd be a big promotion from my old job even, but I'd be excellent....

So I did it, I threw my hat in the ring, so to speak, and.. I feel pretty damn fabulous about that.

Happy Thanksgiving all...

I'm thankful that no matter what, we have the ability to change... :smile: As long as we have the stubbornness to do it. P:

Reporting an Assault of my Ears

I eat my lunch typically in the community room of the apartment complex my client lives in....

Got a little kitchen area, and some comfy chairs and coffee tables, where I pull out my simple lunch and eat in silence most days.

Yesterday, I get there, and there are three women chatting away, pulled up on stools to the kitchen counter. Loud. Animated.

Inside, I'm mildly irritated. But whatever, it's not even my community room. They give me a glossy once over, dismiss me of any value, and continue their chitchat.

As much as I'm keeping to myself, I cannot help the analytical, assessing side of me that realizes quickly the trio is really comprised of one woman holding court and her two followers/enablers who seem enthralled with her every dripping narcissistic word.

I study her for a solid twenty seconds, and note her appearance would give nary a clue what kind of person she is.... She is normal height, slender, dressed casually, and had shoulder-length brown hair pulled back into a headband, unobtrusive glasses. No noticeable make-up.

She looks very normal.

I entered the conversation with her proclaiming how "Janet isn't talking to her" and spend the next half hour explaining why, going into segueways whenever she felt the fancy.

I got to listen to 15 million reasons why everyone should go to her house for the holidays. Um, yeah, like every holiday. Her big family (of four including her), her wonderfully centralized location, her wonderful furnishings, her gourmet cooking skills, her ability to handle chaos, the total mind control she had over her poor husband who likely will never know how much she uses and manipulates him to get whatever she wishes, and so on and so forth.

*shrugs* Beyond the completely crappily demeaning comments about her husband, who is a saint, by the way, in my opinion.... The rest of what was said were valid issues or points or whatever... Right? Maybe. :worried:

The source of my utter frustration upon having to listen to her, was two-fold:

1.) Anytime one of her two little subjects attempted to speak that was NOT a comment or question that allowed Queen Bitch to continue the discussion of the world according to her, she swiftly redirected the conversation back to her and then passive- aggressively criticized the offending woman.

Actual example:
"AaaaNYWAY, as I was saying... *scoffs* Dale is at the store for the sixth time because he can't seem to get the stuff correctly... *pause and makes a face and points to offending woman* Did you do something new with your hair??"

*lady touches her hair and her eyes get wider* Noooo.

"Hmmmmm" she says squinting slightly, "looks kinda weird today, *waves her hand and half laughs* "Eh, maybe it's the light in here... Anyway so Dale calls me, can you BELIEVE he had to actually CALL me from the store....?"

:irked: The "offending" woman only said affirming things and nodded for the next twenty minutes, and sympathically watched the other women in the trio get her turn at being slammed a bit later.

2.) Queen Bitch couldn't just praise her own wonderfulness, it was always paired with slamming someone else who wasn't even there to defend themselves.

Actual example:

"So I gave in that one time, and drug everyone to Hayward for Easter...Lemme tell you, her entire house is the size of this community room (blah blah more of this travesty)"

"Did you bring anything or did she do the cooking pretty much" dutifully asks the prior conversation smackdown recipient, trying to win back favor with Queen Bitch.

*rolls eyes* "You would think if we had to drive thaaaaat far, I could at least get to just enjoy myself right? *heavy sigh* But noooooo, I brought the cranberry walnut salad, my famous layered dream desert, and, of course, homemade bread..."

"Did she make a ham, then?"

*laughs gleefully* "Roger made the ham....The ONLY thing she made was the spinach dip, you know, from FROZEN spinach and whatnot. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't BAD and all, but her daughter told me she was lucky if it took her a full five minutes to whip THAT up, when I asked (Poor kid was unwitting used to smackdown her own mother :cry: ) Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't just buy it from the store, seriously..."

:rolleyes:

For a half an hour, my ears were assaulted by her bitching, moaning and judgmental crap.

But as I sat there, I had a reality check.

Truth is, there are a lot of people like HER in this world.

The reason it bothered me so, was because I make it a point to avoid people like her, and therefore, do not have to listen to this type of discussion ever.

And made it a concrete point in my brain to be on the lookout for this type of offending behavior within myself.

I know I judged this woman here. Yep. I did it. In a way, I feel like a mirror when I write. So much of what I express is what I observe.
And yes, my opinions on it too.

I figure it's important to know who and what you are as a person... But equally important to know what you don't wanna be.

I don't ever wanna be her. Perfect as she thinks she is...

Randoms

* I may be back a bit more. I'm still sort of deciding. Thanks for your love and support. :heart:

* :no: Nah, I do NOT wanna talk about it. Thanks for NOT asking.

* Ava had some unbelievably cute conversations with me this weekend about the holidays coming up:

1) I was explaining Thanksgiving to her, and, knowing her Dad's family has a tradition where they go around the table and share what they are thankful for, told her she may be asked "What are YOU thankful for Ava?"

She scrunched up her face. "Thankful for?" she queries..

After explaining the definition fo the word 'thankful', I went on to give examples.... "Yeah, like some people might be thankful for family, or friends, or their favorite food, or toy, or their job, or ...anything you want. *pause as I see she's still looks lost* Like maybe you're thankful for your pal, Clifford?" I offer, and she stares down at her big, red stuffed dog clutched tight in her arms.

She looks at him a while, and I ask her, "So what are you gonna say when they ask you what you're thankful for on Thanksgiving?"

She meets my eyes, pauses dramatically, and smiles confidently...

"Beeferoni!"

(For explanation, Beeferoni is a canned pasta of sorts)

:lol: I thought it was so funny, but lemme tell ya, she wasn't bemused by my laughter. :D

2.) We were talking about Christmas and her birthday, trying to explain the order of upcoming events because she is crazy excited about her birthday.

I randomly asked her with a smile. "Do you know who's birthday is ON Christmas?"

"MINE!" She shrieks confidently.

"Nooooooooo," I draw out, suddenly thinking this may not have been my smartest conversation starter today.

When she starts naming everyone she knows, but protesting with certainly that it's HER birthday, I finally reveal it's Jesus's birthday.

"So I get presents on Jesus's birthday? He must love me, huh Mom?"

I decide not to argue with her logic. "He sure does, Ava."

"So how old is he gonna be on his next birthday, anyhow?"

I do a blank. "Uuuuuhhhhh...I donno". (Later I would feel really Homer: Doh! when my roomie Deja would easily answer "2009" when Ava quizzed her. )

"Mom, I was just kidding, I already KNOW how old he's gonna be" and she smiles wildly.

"How old?" I am intrigued.

"Seventeen." She sounds definitive, and she adds, as she sees the look on my face. "Seriously, Mom, he told me he's awfully excited about 17 for some reason". P:

She don't act three-almost-four sometimes. :happy:

*My roomie, Deja, is having a baby in February and asked me to come regularly to her "Hypno-birthing class" which is conveniently enuf being held in our living room.

I'm looking forward to learning some Hypnosis :yes: Could come in handy in many situations. :devil:

* And last, but not least, *takes a breath and gets kinda teary*

:happy: I AM GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!
:happy:

:hat:

Found out my little brother, and his girlfriend are expecting a baby in June!

I've never been an auntie for real. (Just called auntie by my friends kids or whatever)

And Ava will finally have a cousin on MY side of the family. :D

awww She won't be the baby in the family anymore....

Anyhow, I'm very excited. My brother was in the waiting room all day/night when I was having Ava, and I hope I get to hold my little niece or nephew with as much love and emotion as he did that day. Meant the world to me. :o:

Silence

Has your life ever changed in an instant? Hung in a breath?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt you deserved nothing good in this world?

Have you ever separated your mind and your heart thinking you could handle it, and then found out not?

Have you gone through the motions of the passing seconds in awe, wondering how so?

Have you ever been so scared you couldn't breathe?

Yeah... I have.

And I'm not really sure what will happen next. Or what my life will be.

Until I know, I'm gonna observe. I can't trust myself to speak or type. And I wouldn't know what to say if I did.

Ever see a writer just not have the words?

Please pray for me. *sobs*

A Leg Humping Story With a Moral

A good friend of mine and I were chatting one slow day at work, about how her long time boyfriend annoyed her to no end by literally humping her leg and simulating sex on her no matter what she was doing, it seemed.

"I can be making dinner or washing my face or talking on the phone to my mother, for crying out loud," she bitched. "And he won't quit."

"Every single day. Every. Day. Ehhh." *she made a horrible face*

I was quiet for a moment, certain that my recent sexual dry spell was responsible for the lack of pity I felt for her, and the fact that I thought any and all of the times he humped her leg sounded like very sound reasons indeed.

I told her if she had a man who always made sure she knew she was wanted and desired... Well to quit her belly aching. Some people (like me) didn't get that at all! :cry:

She clearly held the power and could reward non leg humping behavior and get rid of that particular gripe, and gave her a few ideas on how to go about it. :devil:

There are ways of making relationship problems go away.

Also asked her to consider how it must feel to be rejected all the time (something I well knew) and asked her if she ever showed him any desire for him?

She said no, sheepishly, and said she stopped wanting sex simply because he wouldn't stop pawing at her.

I didn't chastise her. You could tell that she realized something very important about her relationship.

She said if she gave in now, she'd be encouraging his "bad behavior" but knew she shouldn't be saying no all the time.

Ah, stubbornness. P:

She confessed they fought often, about sex and other things... And admitted she was short with him often and irritated all the time.

She wondered aloud if they'd make it another six months. "We used to be so happy" she mused.

"Do you love him? Really love him?" I asked softly.

"Yes," she stated strongly. "I just don't like the pressure. And the fighting. It's just too hard."

I challenged her to go home and give him a fiery knock your socks off kiss and remind him he was indeed the man for her.

She raised an eyebrow. "Just a kiss, right? I don't have to have sex...?"

"Not just any kiss. A long passionate "dammit baby, I love yooooou" kiss " I corrected.

She promised that she would. But no more. God she was stubborn. I smiled inside and reminded nonchalant as I bid her goodbye......

Next day I didn't say anything, certain she'd bring it up.

She came in the door with a serious twinkle in her eye and blush to her cheeks, dropped her purse and grabbed me in a big hug.

"That" she said "is from my boyfriend" she said.

I was shocked. :eyes:

"I did what you said..." She said. "A goooood one" she giggled, "and he was speechless and asked why I kissed him like that, not that he was complaining. God you should have seen the look on his face!"

"I didn't wanna tell him why I did, but we ended up talking and discussing your words and advice, and some of our patterns you pointed out..."

Her eyes met mine, and giggled.

"And yes, we did. Twice"

I laughed. "You okay with all that sex? You were complaining yesterday.." I murmured slyly.

She dropped her eyes. "Yesterday.. I was a fool".

And in my mind, all I could think was

"Atta' girl! " :happy:

Sometimes patterns and tests of wills, downright stubbornness can overtake your life, and rob you of joy.

Takes a hard look in a new light sometimes to change everything...

She and he are now married, just had their second child, and she still credits our talk that day for why she madly in love with him now, when she had been certain they'd never make it before.

But I know the truth. She stepped over her self imposed line and for one moment, was brave.

So be brave. :yes:

And giving your someone special one hell of a kiss can't ever hurt either. :wink:

Deal Breakers!

What's a deal breaker? Simply put, it's something you won't be okay with. The line drawn.

Maybe like the new puppy that isn't potty trained after five months, and just peed in your purse right in front of you! This happened to my friend and it was a dealbreaker. The dog found a new home.

In dating, people are choosy, and rightfully so. Got me thinking to deal breakers my friends had that made me laugh, and ones of my own that I've decided to adopt.

"His feet are nasty. I mean, his nail made my leg bleed when we cuddled last night!"

"She refuses to kiss me until I've brushed my teeth in the morning. She couldn't love me then."

"She told my mother to 'cut it out' sternly when she baratted me in front of everyone for forgetting the camera as our daughter was blowing out birthday candles!"

"He won't stop humping my leg all the time!"

"She always has a headache..."

"One eye is kinda lazy and it freaks me out!!"

"She counts every calorie she eats, and writes it down in a notebook. If she's that anal about her diet, imagine how critical she will be of me. "

"He flirts with other women in front of me."

"She doesn't clean her belly button. "

"He has a unibrow. "

"She refuses to shave her legs in the winter!"

"He USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!"

"She can't even parallel park."

"B-but she likes cats!"

*giggles* Some of them you may relate to, some just laugh at.

So tell me, what are your deal breakers? In life? In dating?

Coming to Conclusions.... And New Beginnings

*wrote all this but the last paragraph before I got sick, so while I'm recouping, enjoy*

So first thing this morning out and about, I stop to fill up my car with gas. I'm waiting patiently, singing a little Jay-Z's "Run This Town" aloud, not caring who may hear me, bouncing up on the balls of my feet in happy energy in the early morning frost.... And I idly begin reading the posted warnings on the pump.

No open flame.
Your car must be turned off while expensing fuel.
No smoking allowed.

And I pause, mid singing note, and realize with the calm descention of an epiphany, that I am a non-smoker.

I narrow my eyes slightly, and my inner voice says, "Oh really? You think so."

I bob my head, and resume bouncing... "Yep. I am."

"You're sure?" the inner voice prods.

"Very.."

"You love to smoke you know"

"Yeah, I used to.." I stress.

*pause* "Ha! You've never stayed quit before."

"I know" I reply, beginning to be annoyed.

"So... What makes you so damn sure this time?

Oh, I am getting irritated at my inner voice, but in my mind, bite back a smartass retort. I surely don't like it's tone, but something tells me that it's important to take this conversation, and give it some serious, lucid, non-flippant consideration.

Instead of answering hastily, my mind drifts back into all the reasons I smoked. I'm surprised how many reasons there were, and I decide to check off the reasons in my head that I've effectively conquered.

Stress. Big check. Never had stress in my life like since I quit. And no cheating.
Fighting with someone.. Yep, I can handle that.. been handling that.

I run through the list faster, checking off the reasons and overcome hurdles with ease... :

While driving, to start my day, when I'm on a break bsing with friends, because I'm overwhelmed, because life is hell, dealing with bad news, because I'm chatting on the phone, because I am bored, tired, hungry, lonely, singing, relaxing, preparing for a task, troubleshooting in my head, after eating, after a mind blowing orgasm, while drinking, while listening to music, because I see someone on the street doing it, while thinking, while writing, because I can't sleep, because I feel like crap, as I'm daydreaming, because I'm excited about something, because I dread something..... and so on and yadda yadda

Yeah, I'm overcome that nearly every single feeling and piece of my day could be punctuated with a cigarette, and in my mind, they were all very valid reasons.

I can only think of one situation I have not yet been in since I quit, and that's being in a bar. I used to smoke 2-3 times the normal amount in a bar. I guess I liked the habit when I'm in social situations, and I think I felt sexy and collected when I smoked.

I look over at the gas station building and ask myself if I have the slightest urge to go get a pack.

My response is immediate, perceptible, decidedly deliberate. EH *shudders* NO HELL NO

"Guess I am a non-smoker after all, huh?" I say slightly teasingly to my inner voice, who is suddenly silent, and I feel a thrill.

Then I think about how weird it felt not to smoke at first. Like I was forgetting something, like I dropped a deck of cards and missed a bunch under the couch, like I didn't know how to cope with certain feelings, problems, and situations. Just unsettled. It felt terrible.

Some of you know, I was extremely cognizant of my actions, and my subconscious urge to substitute the urges with another bad habit like nail biting or chewing on my lips until they bled. I found it was a full time job in the beginning to catch these things early, before I had another self-destructive habit to kick someday.

Smoking was a coping mechanism that didn't accomplish much of anything. Sure, sometimes it gave me time to ponder, escape, relax... but those are things that are a state of mind, I found, and I can still steal those moments without having to put on my shoes and trudge out into the cold.

But now that the empty action was gone, I found I had to actually deal with my problems (What a concept eh?) and I admit, I went a little bonkers. Or.. a lot.

I didn't realize HOW many things I simply shuffled off to the side of my vision, of my life, never really dealing with root causes, never really having a plan of action. So when I stopped smoking, I have found a backlog of crap that I must now sort thru, throw away, fix, send out or file. Lots of work. Whew. And I'm not done. *smiles* I'll never BE done if I am doing it right.

I quit at a most difficult time in my life, one of my WORST, but for me, it was the right time. When everything was pressure and problems and chaos, it was one thing I had a choice in. One thing I could control. And I did.

I still take my medication sometimes. Always at night, when I do, because I admit, because I like the vivid dreams I get. Feel like it won't hurt to take it a while longer because statistics show the first three months are the highest possible relapse risks.

I'm not sure why this specificly is my first post back in action, or why I'm sharing it, because I'm not looking for kudos or support. I got that already from my friends who were there when it was tough. Yeah, it's cool, I don't want or need that. *nods* Maybe I am hoping my perspective is honest enough to inspire someone in some area of struggle. Don't really have anything new to say that hasn't been said before or better by someone else, but hey, I think the little thought process I used can be applied in many areas. I congruently quit two other very destructive habits at the same time as smoking. Just smoking was the hardest of the three... you see, it was my oldest friend.

It isn't often in my adult life, that I can honestly say I do something so big, so fabulously excellent, that it literally changes a thousand aspects of my life and my future.. *smiles* It's a blissful feeling, and I'm really proud I had the guts. Maybe guts isn't the right word. I'm proud I was willing to do the WORK.

Sure, I could say that the staggering price, the smell, the health risks, my daughter... and a hundred other reasons were the perfect ones to stop.

Truth is, I stopped for NONE of those reasons, even though they are all lovely, they wouldn't have worked.... I stopped for me. To be able to better respect myself, and be healthier MENTALLY.

And that, is why it worked this time. And why it isn't a passing thing. I finally finally did it for the RIGHT reason for me.


Two notes for the end.
1. The man I love is a smoker, and I wouldn't dream of pressuring, guilting or dropping hints that anyone in the world should quit just cuz I did. Especially not the man I love. No judgement from me, I hate being judged myself, and I accept people for who and what they are now, not what they could be.

Anyhow, yeah, he smokes. And I realized with a giggle, that I'm going to be one of those girlfriends offering gum and mints and such whenever I feel the inkling to pounce on him, because yeah, once you quit, it's bleh, yuck, *shudders* :ko: ... I sorta think I should find out what he likes and buy stock in some hard candy or gum company. I get inklings a lot, and better safe than sorry, I figure. :angel: P:

2. Not once when I thought of reasons I do NOT want to smoke again, did I think of my big, bad, bet with Carlos Suntana. Yeah, I'm not going into details here, but we wagered that if I took so much as a single puff, he got carte blanche on my blog design. Get the evil gleam in your eyes all you want, Chuck, no one messes with my wolfie. :mad:

Yeah, I'm back. :up:

Um, my last private post for a while....prior to this one

Well, the title says it all, so I'm just gonna sing the song bouncing around in my head right now.

:sing:

There are no unlockable doors
There are no unwinnable wars
There are no unrightable wrongs
Or unsingable songs

There are no unbeatable odds
There are no believable gods
There are no unnameable names
Shall I say it again, yeah

There are no impossible dreams
There are no invisible seams
Each night when the day is through
I don't ask much

I just want you
I just want you

There are no uncriminal crimes
There are no unrhymable rhymes
There are no identical twins or
forgivable sins

There are no incurable ills
There are no unkillable thrills
One thing and you know it's true,
I don't ask much

I just want you
I just want you
I just want you
I just want you

I'm sick and tired of bein' sick and tired
I used to go to bed so high and wired, yeah - yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I'll buy myself some plastic water
I guess I should have married Lennon's daughter, yeah - yeah, yeah, yeah

There are no unachievable goals
There are no unsaveable souls
No legitimate kings or queens, do
you know what I mean? Yeah

There are no indisputable truths
And there ain't no fountain of youth
Each night when the day is through,
I don't ask much

I just want you
I just want you

:sing:

Wanna See Mina?

Go hunting for the prior friends-only. :D