Obsession

I have plans so I can't write much.

But my true friends will be interested, nonetheless.

Okay so busy crazy productive good week.

It's Friday. Kiddo's going with her dad.

And I get a call.

Someone I couldn't quite place asking me to sit down.

I was in full work mode.

Um what?

She's gonna make my weekend amazing she says.

Wha wha wha???

Um, yes.

The insurance paid on my 17 plus thousand dollar hospital bill.

Ohmygod!

Yea!!!!!!!!!

Just thought you'd wanna know.....

And I'm gonna celebrate properly tonight.

I was outside one time alone today, just now.

Ava's dad took her for a couple of hours before leaving to work back on the road.

I went out for a smoke. Yeah, wag your finger. I don't mind.

And I notice a trickle of smoke against the sky on the other side of a huge fence running along my complex.

As I sit and watch, the smoke doubles, darkens, then I hear explosions.

I think to what lies in that area. A chicken joint with grease fryers. A gas station with ten pumps and diesel fuel.

Oh.

Oh no.

I hear the first strain of a siren and think I need to know. The smoke is black and angry and billowing.

Will this threaten my home?

I walk to my alley where I see bright orange flames and hear more explosions and flares. I then continue out to the street.

Across the little park, it's visible. A house or garage is raging out of control and firefighters are already there.

More explosions. Talking to strangers out on the street. Finding out the dude that lives there is a graffiti artist.

Ah. Would explain the pops of explosion.

For a grand total of five minutes, if you count the observation and walk, I was a witness to something I will see on the news.

For a few moments I worried if I could help someone.

For a few moments I wondered if I had to grab a few things to save from my apt, what would it be?

For a few moments strangers dropped the daily momentum and for one spring late afternoon, witnessed a shock together.

It was a first for me of something of that magnitude, and for that, I'm most grateful.

As I sit at the table with my kiddo eating the luxurious breakfast befitting of the day...

Ahem, Toaster Patries and milk.

I remember a year ago. Such a lonely day. Everything changed for me, and my birthday felt like the beginning of this little world of mine being tilted on it's axis.

Now it's everything is new.... again, and it's still a blend of the good and the bad ... This time the blend is decidedly lighter. I'm doing... Okay. Really.

I can barely find the energy to climb online. I find myself checking out when I find a quiet moment I relax. . Dropping weight. Busy. Always busy.

It won't always be so.

I think of how active I was here on Opera, and feel that deep pain of regret. Of what I have missed. Am missing.

And I do.

Will I ever fit the pieces back together?

Yes. At least in some respect.

As I awake this morning 33 years old, I feel... Calm. If last year was the "exploding of a person's life..." Then this year is the "find all the pieces again" kind of experience.

I'm so quiet. It's hard being so social again. Faking it well. At least I think so... Slowly re-entering the world and dragging Ava along for the ride.

We're cautious and our lives are a blend of routine, and doing something spontaneous. Remembering to live. Stop looking over our shoulders. Stop existing. Stop apologizing for our choices and our personalities.
I spend a lot of time with her, my little chickaroo who's almost four. Knowing all the change in my life means for the time being, she is my focus. I have the responsibility for making her world something she enjoys and understands and feels safe in.

She has struggled so because of my choices, but only I know they meant survival.

Oh God it's hard being away from the support of family! Sometimes I feel soooo all alone.

Truth is, sometimes I don't feel safe. It's like culture shock to hear other people always in this apartment building.... To do laundry in a big, cobwebby labyrinth of a basement wondering if someone will scare me when they pop up. Wondering why the security door down stairs is mostly bypassed.

I'm faking it. Fake it til you make it. I'm cool.

It's my only real concrete plan, but it's working so far.

Kind of reminds me, with a tired half smile, of one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.

I can still hear Morgan Freeman's deep smooth voice talking about how a man feels about adapting to life "outside" the prison walls.

How sometimes it's hard to survive. How some men just can't handle it. They forget how. Hmmmm.

Sometimes I feel like that. Like I feel un-normal, but in a good way. And I get real quiet and still in a breath sometimes, and I worry about a million things I'm suddenly encapsulated in. I have to make myself look to see how far I've come. I'm always so surprised.

Why am I always surprised? :confused;

I done good.

Thank God in heaven 32 is over with.

Thanks all....

And yes, I miss you. Each and every one.....

This morning, I was having a lovely dream, and suddenly, I awoke with a start.



Yep, forgot to set my alarm and woke up ten minutes before I had to leave for work.

Have the chickaroo this week, and yesterday morning she almost made me late with a full blown meltdown that woke everyone in the house and totally exasperated me.

But I stayed strangely calm. Cut a few corners, grateful I'd laid out everything from clothes, to vitamins to making my lunch the night before.

Asked my roomie if he could please, please, pretty please with sugar on top start my car while standing at the bottom of the stairs pulling on jeans. (No he couldn't see me)

A mere 20 minutes after I woke with a start, I was on the highway, having already dropped Ava off.

Damn I'm good.

Roads uncommonly slick after freezing rain, but I wasn't in a rush. Made it to work on time.

My roomie had mentioned after he started my car that it was knocking and wondered if I had oil in it, or when I had an oil change last....

Been... *chews on a nail* a bit. And I put at least a 100 miles on every working day. Not good.

*chastizes self* Bad car owner!

So right off the bat, Zack, my client, and I decide to go get us an oil change. Guy was quick. Zack waited like a champ, watching the dude like a hawk, like he was supervising. It was cute.

As I paid for the service, I'm handed a free car wash token for a free top of the line drive thru wash and wax.

I look at my dirty beyond belief car, and ask if this is a pity wash.
The guy actually laughs, and says it's standard perk with the oil change.

I ignore that and pretend I got something special and free, which never fails to make me super happy.

We head to the park, drive around a bit, then head out for our special super duper deluxe car wash! I'm stoked, and Zack thinks car washes are the 8th wonder of the world. . So he's already clapping.

Ah, we put in the token, drive up perfectly to the conveyer. I sign off talking to the man of my dreams, and put my phone in the visor and sit back to enjoy the car wash.

It was... Shall we say, an experience I shall not soon forget.

Light mist of water.

Nice smelling presoak. Oranges and mangos it seems. *deep breath* This is like a sensory experience...

High pressure rinse.

My drivers side window doesn't *wince* quite roll up alllll the way, shall we say. Maybe a centimeter of sky I can see.

I expected a drip or two, like when it rains hard.

But I didn't expect the sudden FLOOD that descended on me.

Locked in my seatbelt like a good responsible driver, I couldn't move. : eek:

It was like a dream, my shirt, my hair, my jeans, my left shoe, my coat that I'm sitting on because I didn't wish to wear it.

Soaked. Not damp. Puddles. Drenched. Freaking cold as hell!

And that rinse seemed to last a full minute.

I know I shrieked like a girl and tried to block the torrent of water with my hands. My client sat shocked in the back seat.

The rest of the wash was a haze. Except for the final rinse, which sent another river of water, and Zack is safe and dry in the back seat laughing so hard he has tears streaming down his face.

Glad I could amuse him to no end.

Finally, a wax that again smells like orangy mango deliciousness, and the sign flashes a happy face thanking me and asking me to "please, come back soon!".

I drive thru the dryers, wondering aimlessly if I should roll down the window so I could dry off too, but decide against it. I was firmly reminded in the beginning not to have windows open! Irony at its finest.

I finished my *ahem* "experience" a little shell shocked, parking for a moment assessing what had just happened.

Zack is still giggling.

I look at him.

"You thought that was funny, eh?" I remark sardonically.

Now Zack is mostly non-verbal, but he says and signs "YyyyyESsssss!", with the hugest smile I've ever seen on his face.

And I can't help but laugh imagining how pitiful I must have seemed trying to divert the water with my hands.

I laugh and laugh, he joins in.

Finally, I sigh, noticing my shoe is actually squishing water as I flex it.

"No more car washes!" I state firmly as I start up the car, noting my phone is safe and dry in my visor thank God!

Zack touches my shoulder.

"Awwwwwwwww" he pouts.

And I laugh again.

Sometimes life is just plain funny.

But Scarlet (my car) looks fabulous!

*chuckles*

Perhaps questioning my wavering sanity was the thing that tipped the scales.

Maybe you all banded together and petitioned on my behalf a little harder in your heart.

My friend Stacy told me today, she went to God, and demanded He show me mercy. Reward my faith. Give me something GOOD.

*shakes head* I don't rightly know what happened. But suddenly, it did... the sun came out and I really think it's going to be okay. Finally.

*While on lunch, I got a call from my roomie/big bad supervisor... I got a job.

I got my old job, the supervisory one where I ran the house. The one I stepped down from after Boss #9 tried to get me fired with false accusations.

And not just that, but remember how I told them, when I interviewed last summer that I wouldn't do it for less than X number of dollars...? well even tho I technically am in NO position to negotiate.... (My current position was eliminated) They gave me what I'd stated so many months ago was the amount I'd do the job for. The job is different than it was before. Several problem employees are no longer there. Weekends off instead of rotating ones. And real office time. A day and a half every week! My normal crew will be positive people that I enjoy and respect. I'm gonna be around people again!

I start this month.

*Also.... My parents and little brother are coming into town for my Great-grandma's 100th birthday this weekend. And hooking me up with some stuff for a new place. And... a bed and dresser for Ava they found, and sanded and painted for her, so I don't have to buy that! That really touched me!

SOOOOO, I came home, grabbed a long handled pair of pliers, and pulled the crumpled wheel well plastic out that was rubbing on my wheel since the accident, and a piece of trim that was falling off... Dammit, it's good for now.

And started looking for an apartment. Looked at one already tonight.

I just needed something... anything good... to spur me to action. To have hope again.

Know you all have been worried about me.... *gives Carol a special hug and chides her about worrying so when she has recovery to do*

Every response to my pain, my gains, my setbacks, my triumphs... well, I frankly don't know what to say. As I mentioned before, It's been over a year now since I came here... to Opera. Alone. And even though I remained such an island in real everyday life... I wasn't here. You always made me feel genuine care. Someone... *smiles* well, many someones, really really cared about Jen. What was going on. What I was feeling. Believed in me when I lost faith in myself. Gave me strength when I reached inside and found none.

Needed that more than you could ever ever know. I hope... *chuckles* Yeah, I'm gonna give hope a try again. I hope... that this is the beginning of a new start for me.

Consider yourselves totally hugged. For the first time in a looooong time, I cried happy tears. That felt amazing.