Four Walls And A Mind

In my recent days of sitting on the couch after work and binging on alcohol, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the issue that's been plaguing me the most. It's always been an issue ever since I was a wee teen, but so many recent events occuring so close to eachother have been making me feel like a big, gay pile of confused shit. "Straight" boys are such an enigma. It's one thing that I still can't figure out no matter how much I try.

Last month I made a big mistake by fooling around with a friend of mine. So many factors led it to happen: alcohol, 'dro, and the fact that I haven't had a good boink in over a year. It's not like I seduced him or anything, it was his idea. I've always had my suspisions about him. He's very vain, he always talks about how straight he is, and he LOVES Kathy Griffin. While we were talking about his sexuality, he was very adamant about being descreet. He didn't want anyone to know--ANYONE. He felt so ashamed of himself and he actually threatened to stab me if the word ever got out.

Homosexuality has never been a big issue to me, even before I came to the conclusion about my own needs and desires. I feel sympathetic to those who become so devastated to find out that he/she is gay, but--at the same time--I really just want to kick that motherfucker in the face. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! So you're a guy who likes his fudge packed, or you're a girl who loves the taste of carpet. What will your parents say? What will your friends say? Fuck 'em. Keeping your true feelings locked up is a very, very, very BAD idea. What, are you going to wait until you're forty-years old before you divorce your spouse and leave your kids for a younger person of the same sex? Are you going to ruin the lives of those who thought they knew you because you were too scared to get it out of the way while you were young? Wake up and smell the rainbow!

I've had to come out of the closet...twice! Nothing has been more gratifying to me than to see all those people--whom I thought were friends--leave me after they found out about me being gay. Living these lies, these double lives, will only hurt you. Why put yourself through such misery?

I work with a boy who's my age. He's very obviously gay and even more obviously into me. I would love to take him out to a good bar for a few drinks or get some dinner or see a movie, but he is--drum roll please--"straight"! What the fuck? It's a mystery to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to figure these boys out.

Oh, but it gets better.

I recently got back in contact with an ex boyfriend of mine. We dated six years ago for six months. It was a terrible relationship because no one ever knew about us, and he liked it that way. Nights were always spent in either his room or my room at our respective homes.

"Do you want to see a movie tonight?"
"No."
"Do you want to get a bite to eat?"
"No."
"Joe Blow is having a party, do you want to go?"
"No."
"Do you even want to be seen in public together?"
"No."

This is how it was, and I put up with it for that long because we were--are you ready?--in love. As in love as onyone can understand at the age of sixteen. It ended horribly, but I still kept my promise to him and never told anyone that we were an item. Fast forward to six years later and he's still saying that he's straight. I want to beat his ass! It's beyond fifty-million different kinds of ridiculous!

I've tried to make sense of this state of mind. I've really tried!

Another thing that bothers me about homosexuality is how it's perceived among the masses. Evangelical and radical Christian groups see homosexuality as an abomination on the highest degree. They group it into the same category as the likes of pedophilia and beastiality. Now I think pedophilia and beastiality is gross and immoral on so many levels, but I really got to thinking. It's no doubt that the media is the biggest influence on the way people think today. No one takes time to research or find answers on their own, they just believe what the tube tells them. Gay men in TV and film are very flamboyant and girly. They're shown to be harmless, friendly souls who just want to dance and have fun. The lesbians have Ellen, so there you go about that. Is homosexuality becoming accepted in liberal, mass-media influenced societies because of portrayals like that? Am I really some sort of abomination, or am I just a cute, vain little priss who loves fashion and Madonna? Another thing that really fucks with my mind. Would pedophilia and beastiality become more accepted if those people were shown to be harmless and fun like the fags on TV? Or would they always and forever be taboo and just plain wrong? I hope so. Yay for gays! Boo for child/pig fuckers!