Social Anxiety
Tuesday, 20. January 2009, 07:43:45
Now I am of no authority to diagnose or claim any sort of medically-sold anxiety disorders. I just get really anxious at Walmart.
Today was the day to get out and do some grocery shopping. Not as if it was a beautiful day or the stars were aligned to be so, we just needed to get some food if we wanted to eat tonight. My mother and I visited Walmart--the retail power horse--today and I just can never seem to get through a single aisle without wanting to flip out and start screaming.
For many people, picking up your prescription at the pharmacy and strolling down the aisles without a set agenda of shopping specifics isn't really a big deal. I, to be honest, need to have a game plan mapped out of exactly what I need to get, what category it may fall under, and how the relates to the layout of the entire store. I just want to get in, get my shit, and get the hell home.
It really start in the parking lot. There are people everywhere! People pushing carts between cars, children running around, people stalling in the middle of the lane to find the best parking spot. I just like to enter in through the back, park where there aren't a lot of cars (however close to a cart return*
*--on a side note, I'd like to state that I find it incredibly rude when people leave their discarded carts anywhere and everywhere. I feel that there are a fair amount of cart returns conveniently spaced, and it's not going to fuck up your day to walk your cart over to where it needs to go. You know who's day it's going to fuck up though? The employee who has to carouse the entire parking lot in search of carts that others have so inconsiderately scattered about. It's not a fuckin' hobby. Do the kid a favor for fuck's sake.
), and make a straight shot to the entrance of the store. I feel very uncomfortable being surrounded by other people when I shop. I'm always getting in somebody's way or somebody is in my way. I freeze up and freak out. I don't like to compare prices to find the better deal. My mother always tends to buy things in bulk because the content:price ratio is more economical when you purchase bulk items. However, it always takes up more storage space, and sits for much longer which usually means a considerable amount has to be discarded before we're able to take advantage of the terrific savings (pfffft). Plus the longer you stand in a single spot, makes it easier for what I like to call "The Cluster Fuck of the Ages" to form. It's when all the shoppers flock to a certain aisle because they all want the same thing. I can't find a way out. I'm completely boxed in and I get extremely nervous.
I don't know what my fear is. It's not as if I'm scared of a fire or a riot or a shit bomb being dropped on the town. None of this stuff runs through my mind. It's always just "get out get out get out get far far away". I can't handle being in the middle of large groups of people or being in large open buildings with a lot of square footage unless I'm fairly near some sort of exit. I think part (or even maybe all) of the reason I can get so freaked out was when I was in the middle of the WTO protests/riots in 1999 Seattle. I was dragged along by a bunch of friends. I didn't know why we were protesting or what the big deal was--all I knew is that some people start spazzing and breaking windows and shit about twenty feet away from me. There was just all this chaos and police and screaming and running. It was extremely terrifying for me. I was only fourteen-years old at the time.
I just now noticed that I always shrug my shoulders really high when I type. I'm going to try and correct that.
I have these rituals that I do when I go places (the parking, the shopping lists, etc.) because I know they work for me and I know that I can get in and out with little stress. I feel envious of those who don't find it a hassle to go grocery shopping or even to just leave the damn house. I'm also conflicted with this whole slacker/control freak way of living. I'll admit that I am a lazy person in the perception of some. I have my own time frame for how I do things and it works for me and I kind of have this "good enough" way of getting things done. On other occasions, I feel as if I have to be in control; I need to be organized, thorough, and in charge in order for things to be done right.
I think that I'm so neurotic that I could actually drive a shrink to changing his/her line of practice altogether. I can't even stand psychology/psychiatry. You spend years and tens-of-thousands of dollars reading up on what other people's theories are on 'why we are the way we are'. They don't have the answers anymore than you do, and all they want to do is medicate you and pat themselves on the back for looking up symptoms in a book and nailing a diagnosis to your head.
I don't know where I'm going with this. This happens when I just start typing on a whim without a structure to what I want to say. At least that way I can go back and elaborate or justify the things that I say with credible sources or proven facts. I'm just a random cat who thinks a lot and who is just trying to figure things out for himself. asdfghjkl;' I'm done.
On the upside, I was able to carry on a nice conversation with an attractive cashier who was ringing up our purchase. His name is Benjamin and he was very pleasant. Maybe I'll try to make it out to Walmart more often? Hah.
Today was the day to get out and do some grocery shopping. Not as if it was a beautiful day or the stars were aligned to be so, we just needed to get some food if we wanted to eat tonight. My mother and I visited Walmart--the retail power horse--today and I just can never seem to get through a single aisle without wanting to flip out and start screaming.
For many people, picking up your prescription at the pharmacy and strolling down the aisles without a set agenda of shopping specifics isn't really a big deal. I, to be honest, need to have a game plan mapped out of exactly what I need to get, what category it may fall under, and how the relates to the layout of the entire store. I just want to get in, get my shit, and get the hell home.
It really start in the parking lot. There are people everywhere! People pushing carts between cars, children running around, people stalling in the middle of the lane to find the best parking spot. I just like to enter in through the back, park where there aren't a lot of cars (however close to a cart return*
*--on a side note, I'd like to state that I find it incredibly rude when people leave their discarded carts anywhere and everywhere. I feel that there are a fair amount of cart returns conveniently spaced, and it's not going to fuck up your day to walk your cart over to where it needs to go. You know who's day it's going to fuck up though? The employee who has to carouse the entire parking lot in search of carts that others have so inconsiderately scattered about. It's not a fuckin' hobby. Do the kid a favor for fuck's sake.
), and make a straight shot to the entrance of the store. I feel very uncomfortable being surrounded by other people when I shop. I'm always getting in somebody's way or somebody is in my way. I freeze up and freak out. I don't like to compare prices to find the better deal. My mother always tends to buy things in bulk because the content:price ratio is more economical when you purchase bulk items. However, it always takes up more storage space, and sits for much longer which usually means a considerable amount has to be discarded before we're able to take advantage of the terrific savings (pfffft). Plus the longer you stand in a single spot, makes it easier for what I like to call "The Cluster Fuck of the Ages" to form. It's when all the shoppers flock to a certain aisle because they all want the same thing. I can't find a way out. I'm completely boxed in and I get extremely nervous.
I don't know what my fear is. It's not as if I'm scared of a fire or a riot or a shit bomb being dropped on the town. None of this stuff runs through my mind. It's always just "get out get out get out get far far away". I can't handle being in the middle of large groups of people or being in large open buildings with a lot of square footage unless I'm fairly near some sort of exit. I think part (or even maybe all) of the reason I can get so freaked out was when I was in the middle of the WTO protests/riots in 1999 Seattle. I was dragged along by a bunch of friends. I didn't know why we were protesting or what the big deal was--all I knew is that some people start spazzing and breaking windows and shit about twenty feet away from me. There was just all this chaos and police and screaming and running. It was extremely terrifying for me. I was only fourteen-years old at the time.
I just now noticed that I always shrug my shoulders really high when I type. I'm going to try and correct that.
I have these rituals that I do when I go places (the parking, the shopping lists, etc.) because I know they work for me and I know that I can get in and out with little stress. I feel envious of those who don't find it a hassle to go grocery shopping or even to just leave the damn house. I'm also conflicted with this whole slacker/control freak way of living. I'll admit that I am a lazy person in the perception of some. I have my own time frame for how I do things and it works for me and I kind of have this "good enough" way of getting things done. On other occasions, I feel as if I have to be in control; I need to be organized, thorough, and in charge in order for things to be done right.
I think that I'm so neurotic that I could actually drive a shrink to changing his/her line of practice altogether. I can't even stand psychology/psychiatry. You spend years and tens-of-thousands of dollars reading up on what other people's theories are on 'why we are the way we are'. They don't have the answers anymore than you do, and all they want to do is medicate you and pat themselves on the back for looking up symptoms in a book and nailing a diagnosis to your head.
I don't know where I'm going with this. This happens when I just start typing on a whim without a structure to what I want to say. At least that way I can go back and elaborate or justify the things that I say with credible sources or proven facts. I'm just a random cat who thinks a lot and who is just trying to figure things out for himself. asdfghjkl;' I'm done.
On the upside, I was able to carry on a nice conversation with an attractive cashier who was ringing up our purchase. His name is Benjamin and he was very pleasant. Maybe I'll try to make it out to Walmart more often? Hah.
WIDGETIZE