Finding My Reality

so i spent a lot of this year going through phases and i believe im slowly but noticably entering another as of recently. i have bipolar and ptsd mixed with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. nice cocktail, right? well my life has been a rollercoaster that im ready to get off of now. so lets skip a few chapters to now, ive been sober for 19 months now and have been off meds also. lately ive been having anxiety and panic attacks that i hadnt had for almost a year and i was slipping down into depression and hopelessness, but i realized something, im ok. i woke up this morning ok. im not quite up to par yet but im not falling anymore. i felt pretty bad last night and really broke down in a steady stream of tears and sobs but this morning i have a hint of motivation and hope back. im a pesamist and yet i have moments of brilliant inspiration, thats my best personality i think. but the point is that one year ago, i wouldve let myself fall so far into the darkness, it was never certain if i'd make it back out, but now i dont even let myself fall into the shadows. i get close enough to the edge to know i need to scream for help because even on the hard days, life is so much better up here on top of this mountain ive stopped trying to move. im enjoying the view now.