Moontan the True

by Jake Jefferson Jones Junior
Proprietor

Bethel Johnson Gits Store Bought Boobs

She wanted it to be secret, but damnation, a blind man could tell different! She went up to Richmond last week with a skeeter-bump chest, and come home totin' watermelons! Anyway, she says y'all stop gawkin' at her!

Sheriff Teawiller Needs Yor Hep

Lawd have mercy! This is sickness sure! Sheriff says theys a body down to the morgue whats had its face et off! Cain't tell who it is. If'n anybody's missin' somebody, you bess go tell the Sheriff. And if youre the crimnal, in the future, gnaw on some other part of the body so's Sheriff can tell who got et.

Junebug Jackson Wins Spittin' Contest

Ole Junebug hocked a oyster an flung it 40 feets last night at the Fair, beatin' last year's winner Frank Wilson by 10 feets. Frank said he coulda beat Junebug if his emphazemer warnt actin' up! Then he calt Frank a dumb bastard but Frank didn't heer him say it.

A Public Service Holler

Doc Markson says anybody been sparkin' Sally Stonewall Jackson Smith needs to git to his clinic purdy damn fast afore y'alls thangs start festerin. She's done burnt ya, boys! It's a dang good thang her Daddy drownt at tha Catfish Rodeo last yeer, too! Else y'all'd be some dead sumbitches right this by-God minute!

There's a lot of discussion going on in America right now about homosexuals and same sex marriage. Everybody is in an uproar over the issue, whether pro or con. Evangelical Christians are condemning half the planet to Hell (forgetting - nay, ignoring - His instructions to 'love thy neighbor'); leftists are comparing Christians to Nazis (apparently without knowledge of the horrible events of the Holocaust); a transgender babe with a hot body is trying to be Miss Somebody-or-Other, while her detractors are having fits.

Financial collapse will result in the premature deaths of millions of people throughout the world - yet we are daily concerned with distractions. Our energies go where there is no return, no benefit. We are ignoring the gorilla in the living room by focusing all our energies on the mouse in the basement.

The gorilla will win.

There seems to be a lot of hate these days. Muslims hate Christians, who hate them back; heteros hate homos; conservative Christians hate liberal Christians; Republicans hate Democrats and Democrats curse Republican children; white folk blame black folk for all social ills; black folk hate white folk ... .

Hate ... hate ... hate. It is almost like people get a sense of security, of a historical, grounding certainty, by hating someone or some thing.

I was a military cop when I was young. One night I was dispatched to investigate a reported suicide attempt. 18 year old male. Boy, really, as was I. To this day, I have never seen such misery, such self-abandon, in a human being. This young man had come face-to-face with Hell, and he was its intended. It took me 10 minutes to get past his tears, cries, snot, to find out what was going on with him. Literally. Look at your watch and count off 10 minutes, imagining a man in the floor rolling from side-to-side and screaming unintelligible words and wetting the floor with tears.

Finally, after many a prod from me, he wiped his eyes, his nose, and screamed at me "I AM A GODDAMN FAGGOT!"

That was it, the reason. He wanted to kill himself because he was gay.

I was taken aback, standing above him. I didn't understand homosexuals then anymore than I do now ... but I didn't/don't have to in order to understand the value of life.

"You want to die because you are a homosexual?" I said to him.

"Yes! A fucking faggot!" he screamed.

"Well, it isn't worth dying over," was all I could say. "If you are a homosexual, be one."

I don't know if that was the right thing to say - it was past midnight and I was tired, and a bit shocked at the boy's effort and blood.

But one thing I do indeed know from that experience, and I've kept it close these 38 years since --- no man would choose to live that life. Not even possible. Nor can we write it off to bad parenting or childhood trauma. Plenty of heterosexual men came from rotten parents and had more than their share of trauma.

I believe it was Mr. Chesterton who said "Christianity was examined, but found too hard to try." Why was it found too hard to try? Because we are told to treat others how we would want to be treated.

Think about it. When in human history has mankind ever treated others the way he would want to be treated by them? Just one example?

"Too hard to try," indeed.

We should start.

We need to start. Hard times are coming. We can either band together as fellow beings resolved to save ourselves, or we can stand back and hate each other until the last cry for help we hear, is our own.

This man here has his work cut out for him, probably for the next few years.

Po fella.

I don't know what to say about this.

Why do I even bother with reading the news anymore, I ask myself. I've no idea. Habit, maybe. But it isn't a healthy practice: with each passing day I see yet another example of why that still, small voice inside me is growing ever louder in its demand that I should pack my stuff and head for the hills.

This paragraph has me wanting to pull my hair out ... "Other recent examples of Swedish businesses pushing this idea of genderless children include a clothing company that removed the "boys" and "girls" sections from its store, while a toy catalog published an ad in which a boy in a Spiderman costume pushes a pink pram, while a girl in jeans rides a yellow tractor."

Now the issue that has my eyeballs inverted isn't that some boys push prams and some girls drive tractors. Not at all. Go for it if that's what they want to do. But dropping the distinction between sexes? Insane.

Another article at the Christian Post - an otherwise supermarket-type rag that highlights mostly unChristian con-men masquerading as clergy - reports that there is a new Bible translation which removes "Jesus Christ" and replaces it with "Anointed One."

Try as hard as I might, I just can't picture Mary calling out to her beloved little boy, "Anointed, dinner is ready! Please come in now."

Recently I read a report that school teachers in New York can no longer use words like "birthday" and "holiday" on tests, as it may offend some kids.

Damn it all. I'm going back to bed. Somebody IM me when common sense returns.

So there.

Moon

ADDENDUM: Well, heck. I didn't go back to bed fast enough, and I should have. Instead, I read this.

I suppose a few far-right fellows may applaud this boys entrepreneurial skills, his grit and attitude, which to a point is correct, but the wider issue is ... this is despicable. Disgusting. Horrifying. Choke and puke.

In a society as rich as ours, where men make millions of dollars an hour doing nothing but electronic transfers of bets; where 250 million dollar contracts are made to catch a ball well ... why in hell do children have to sell lemonade to raise money so that Daddy can live?

I am not advocating soaking the rich or massive redistribution of income. Not at all. We've got plenty of money, but Congress acts like a horny teen in a brothel with Mom's credit card.

Sigh...

Angry ex-girlfriend goes ballistic, rips off man’s scrotum

Ouch!

But it gets better ... "As if the story isn’t already good enough, the victim, who has not been identified, was taken to BALL MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. As far as we know, the hospital is not only for scrotum-specific injuries."

You know the next man to date this chick HAS to be walking on eggshells.

Florida prostitute requests McDonald’s as payment for her services

"Would you like Fellatio with that order, Sir?"

A new twist on the Happy Meal, I suppose.

7-year-old boy tied to Alaska arson fires

Give the little fellow a break.

As it happens, Moontan the True did the exact same thing when he was 7 years old. True fact. I was playing with matches in a 5-acre field near my house. Usually I'd go steal eggs in the chicken coop owned by the old lady who lived in a mansion on the property, and use them as hand grenades when playing war games, but she had recently chased us off with a shotgun, so I gave egg re-appropriation some time off. On this Saturday morning, I was innocently playing with matches, when a fire got out of control and I thought it would be a good time to skedaddle on home. Which I did. I was watching 'Mighty Mouse' when the sirens blared in the distance. Mom yelt "Moon! Moon! Come see the fire trucks" but I declined.

Point is, it was innocent. So give that boy a break.

So there.

Moon