My OperaThree Treasures and abuse recovery
Sunday, November 22, 2009 11:15:41 PM
I am going to speak candidly, after a fashion, of my abuse and survival and learning to let go, to live and love without fear and issues getting in the way.
I am doing this in the hopes it will help a lovely lady and her husband find their way, be it to a renewed marriage or to pastures new in as healthy a way as possible.
To give this context I will summarise some of the issues I have had and why: -
• Trust; when ones father has abused one emotionally, physically and in other ways whilst I was an adult – one finds it hard to trust others, if ones father can do those things then why not others; and hard, almost harder, is to trust oneself, if as an adult one accepted this behaviour, treatment, condemnation from ones father then why should ones judgment be trusted?
• Letting Go; Once out of an abusive relationship, whomever that has been with, one can be almost obsessively controlling about every aspect of life, if love happens we can try to hold it, beat it until it obeys us, and if the going gets touch and we loose control running away instead of finding a way to navigate a path healthily and reasonably.
• Hurt; it is easy to take even small subconscious hurts and build them into a castle with full fortifications and thick impenetrable walls. This hinders our ability to communicate with ourselves let alone with others, hinders our ability to listen properly to what they say and leap to any amount of assumptions about their meaning.
• Communication; It is so easy for any communication to become, for self protection, about ‘I’ rather than ‘we’ this can make our point of view myopic, not unhealthy initially, rather a necessary part of recovery, but sooner or later it becomes unhealthy for ourselves and others.
There are more but I think these give a fairly good general view of the issues and how they effect our lives right through till the day we die if we do not take steps to better understand ourselves and cultivate healthier ways of being, interacting with ourselves and others.
And so to the point … (hooray I hear you cry
): - when I ‘discovered’ ‘daoism’ or ‘dao cultivation’ I was just ending an intense course of therapy, therapy had of course taught me tools and set me on the road to a healthier way of being with myself and thinking of and interacting with others and the world in general, what I found in ‘dao cultivation’ principles and teachings, was a road map a signpost if you will of how to go further. The 3 treasures of the TTC are I think much misunderstood, often assumed to be somewhat ‘fluffy’ and ‘lacking practical application’. I have found that in cultivating the 3 treasures I have reached a greater knowledge of my self, of the world around me, of how the myriad things interact, the basic principles of life and death, birth and re-birth … and the mounting similarities between the various spiritual belief systems:
Whilst on a purely personal level enabled me to live a healthier, happier, life, in a nourishing and healthy way.
Before quoting ttc 67 it is important to note ttc 70 ~
Chapter 70 ~ Derek Lin translation
My words are easy to understand, easy to practice
The world cannot understand, cannot practice
My words have basis
My actions have principle
People do not understand this
Therefore they do not understand me
Those who understand me are few
Thus I am highly valued
Therefore the sage wears plain clothes but holds jade
(for Dr J Wu translation see here http://www.terebess.hu/english/tao/wu.html#Kap70 )
Simply acting out actions of compassion, humility and moderation is not dao cultivation, but cultivating those principles as roots, roots from which a plant of compassion is born and nourished, a plant of moderation, of humility … these plants then grow into a tree, a tree with well nourished and cultivated roots … the nourishment of said roots come from the overall cultivation practices of the cultivator.
No single principle or way stands alone … I enliken it to two separate people I met, both Jehovah’s witnesses, both ladies … one lady was somewhat vehement that Daoism and myself as a dao cultivator was ‘evil’ her words word ‘daoist whore of Satan’ at one point … to her dao cultivation had nothing to offer anyone and was a tool of Satan.
Her prerogative; I felt kind of sad though that this lady seemed to miss one meaning of the parable of the good Samaritan, a person can be of a different religion and still embody the teaching of ‘God’ and ‘Jesus’ for what is more compassionate, moderate and humble than to stop and help a stranger whom others have abandoned to his fate?
The other lady also a Jehovah’s Witness, we stood and shared our respective spiritual paths for a long, long time and found a lot of similarities, when I shared the story of the holy man, http://goto.bilkent.edu.tr/gunes/ZEN/zenstories.htm (5th story down page) she immediately picked up on the good Samaritan story as saying the same thing in different words.
When I shared ttc 67 … she was amazed that a single chapter could almost sum up the key areas of Jesus’ message to ‘us’ (people) and that chapter would be from a different expression of spirituality … what we found was that far from either of us being ‘evil whores of Satan’ or some variety thereof, we were both people, women, whom had found a spirituality that fit each of us (her Jehovah’s witnessing myself dao cultivation) which enabled us to explore and express the key concepts of compassion, moderation and humility … all be it in slightly different ways.
So to ttc 67, one of the key components for me which allowed me to learn lessons of myself to move forward and be healthier in life and with myself.
Chapter 67 ~ Trans Derek Lin
Everyone in the world calls my Tao great
As if it is beyond compare
It is only because of its greatness
That it seems beyond compare
If it can be compared
It would already be insignificant long ago!
I have three treasures
I hold on to them and protect them
The first is called compassion
The second is called conservation
The third is called not daring to be ahead in the world
Compassionate, thus able to have courage
Conserving, thus able to reach widely
Not daring to be ahead in the world
Thus able to assume leadership
Now if one has courage but discards compassion
Reaches widely but discards conservation
Goes ahead but discards being behind
Then death!
If one fights with compassion, then victory
With defense, then security
Heaven shall save them
And with compassion guard them
(For Dr J Wu translation see http://www.terebess.hu/english/tao/wu.html#Kap67 )
Returning to the overview of issues these principles have helped me to find my way through: -
• Trust;
… if as an adult one accepted this behaviour, treatment, condemnation from ones father then why should ones judgment be trusted?
In connecting through meditation to the causes of ones self mistrust, in learning about why we feel as we do towards ourselves and others … and in being compassionate to ourselves, moderate with ourselves and humble in the face of the universe we can come to terms with these trust issues and begin to let them go – this translates into our life experiences, and how we interact with ourselves in a kinder manner, with others and how we trust listening to our inner voice … and know through cultivation we are connected to our genuine inner voice and not listening to our fears and issues and mistaking them for our inner voice.
Not unlike a Christian learning through practice, prayer and living life to the teachings of Jesus that they are listening to their ‘god connected voice’ and not their ‘devil voice’.
• Letting Go;
Once out of an abusive relationship, whomever that has been with, one can be almost obsessively controlling about every aspect of life, if love happens we can try to hold it, beat it until it obeys us, and if the going gets touch and we loose control running away instead of finding a way to navigate a path healthily and reasonably.
In being humble and moderate and compassionate, innately, in going through the processes of cultivating these principles in daily life we are learning how to let these things go, because we are coming to terms with them and once coming to terms with has been achieved we then begin the process of ‘letting go’ of these issues and the past as a whole.
Imagine a person who has been beaten, injured in such a way that they have chronic back injury for life … by their parent … and this is one of the milder abuses … how can this person still socialise, converse with, have familial relations with that parent, the abuser, let alone find some degree of peace, harmony and even laugh and joke with this person?
Because they have put themselves through the processes, and committed to the processes of learning about oneself, letting go, applying compassion, moderation and humility to life and themselves …
It is in truth connecting to ourselves and through that connection enabling ourselves to connect to others, to those around us, to those we love and who love us …
• Hurt;
… it is easy to take even small subconscious hurts and build them into a castle with full fortifications and thick impenetrable walls. This hinders our ability to communicate with ourselves let alone with others, hinders our ability to listen properly to what they say and leap to any amount of assumptions about their meaning.
These hurts we allow to grow because we become disconnected from ourselves and from those around us … if they have their own hurts that they also are allowing to disconnect them from themselves, then we get a circle of hurts speaking and no ‘truths’ speaking.
Imagine then if we can cultivate ourselves to a point where we have come to terms with the past, learnt to let go of those issues from the past, and as such the hurts we interpret and hold to often take on a new context and we can often be the ones who step back from exchanging hurts and begin exchanging productive truths, even humour at the situation, although this last is subjective to each situation.
• Communication;
It is so easy for any communication to become, for self protection, about ‘I’ rather than ‘we’ this can make our point of view myopic, not unhealthy initially, rather a necessary part of recovery, but sooner or later it becomes unhealthy for ourselves and others.
So to communication, the culmination of the above processes perhaps, at least in realising this plateau. (A new beginning, a step up to finding other plateaus)
When we see that we are not isolated, that we can trust ourselves and through that others, we can learn to listen to ourselves and others, and through this we can learn to listen and talk with each other with our inner selves, and find nourishing ways through even the toughest of times.
As Jesus would use parables in order to communicate his ideas to different people, who listened in different ways, we too can learn to convey our messages (not to relate us to Jesus of course) to others in ways fitted to who they are and what our relationship is to us … equally we can learn how to listen in a variety of different ways to get the fullest meaning of what others tell us as we can manage …
How does this translate into specific examples in life; in re-connecting to myself I have been able to open myself up to life experiences, reacting positively to others and moments of stress.
Case in point, I am in a long distance relationship, have been now for over a year, with an incredibly lovely man, we do not see each other nearly as much as either of us would like … currently ... he has also had a difficult personal life this last 6months, his mother and daughter have both been in and out of hospital, his emotions have been hurt by these situations … all of these things would in the past have triggered, my issues of trust, letting go (or not letting go), hurt and communication.
Instead of this horrible process of mistrust of me or of him or holding onto past negatives, of finding hurts to hold onto, and in failing to communicate and listen which leads to acrimony, confusion, loosing sight of love, of friendship, of oneself, of the lights in life. One goes through a different process …
One has peace of mind, simplicity, instead of searching for complicated ways of getting ones own way, of being myopic, one sees the whole, is able to be intuitive, through knowing oneself, ones virtue, and so an see that being together is not just a physical thing, indeed one can be physically together and be apart, but to be physically apart but still be connected, by connected here I mean together as partners not two people poles apart, that enables both of us to give and seek succour, to find a way back to ourselves.
The Yi Jing gua Tong Ren Seeking Harmony the meaning of Huang summarises with the Chinese maxim “People in the same boat help each other, sharing weal and woe.” This according to Alfred Huang is an expression of true harmony, it is easy to feel in harmony with each other in times of sunshine, but takes some work and compassion, moderation and humility with ourselves and each other to be in the same boat sharing weal and woe whether we are physically there together or not … the key to true harmony is unselfishness – this does not mean to harm the self or put ourselves in severe risk, but to view a situation from a position of humility, moderation and compassion and the connection to ‘dao’ that is inherent with rooted cultivation of these treasures.
“People might be kept apart by different kinds of obstructions that cause them to weep. But when they remain truthful in spirit, nothing can really separate them. After they experience the difficulty of separation, they are able to appreciate the true joy of union.”
Confucius said of true harmony: -
“When two people become one in their hearts
They are as sharp as a knife that is able to cut iron.
They cherish the same idea and follow the same path;
Their words are like the perfume and fragrance of orchids.”
(Huang, A. 2004: pp 140-141)
It is possible to find this place if one has come through abuse by going through a process similar to the one explained (sorry for the length guys) above.
One of the nicest things about his is even if whichever situation we are in doesn’t end up as we envisaged or hoped, be it a relationship, friendship or another situation entirely, if we are able to act within the rooted principles of harmonious behaviour, attitude, to be with virtue as the TTC would say, then the situation and or those involved will still have some sort of positive outcome, even if it isn’t the one we hoped it would be.
It won’t be overnight and roots do need maintaining, so we shouldn’t take forgranted any process or benefit it all takes continued maintenance, although the longer we cultivate the easier maintenance can seem …
Why have I shared this? Because it is my hope that this will help people coming through various forms of abuse, be it abuse by another being, abuse of substances and so on … to find a way f understanding how dao cultivation can help us through … the first step is to take responsibility for ourselves and our own recovery … and how in doing so this can plant a seed which if we work upon, and cultivate we can grow deep nourished roots from which plants can grow which can permeate all of our lives, positively, whatever the life situation we face.
Becca
Unregistered user # Wednesday, December 2, 2009 1:56:14 PM