College has been very good to me. Not only have I made new friends I have also learned to figure out the nature of man. Beginning this intriguing subject I was not only excited but apprehensive. We began the course with a well known book, which most high school students have read the Lord of the Flies. This course is done in Socratic Method which is discussion between classmates with a tutor guiding us rather than a lecture from a professor. I have also read Freud, Aristotle, The Grand Inquisitor, and I am plunging into Democracy in America right now. They are fascinating and make me of situations in a new way and new light. Not only have I discovered that man has a unique substance to his being but I have also learned that man is of his own nature.
It is crazy! I am leaving for my first year in college in 2 weeks. I can't the describe how I feel right now. I mean I was just thinking how my all of my friends are going to completely different colleges. I am not going to be able to see them every day like I did during high school. It is going to be so weird to not be able to talk to them every second of every day. Time has gone by so quickly and I cannot comprehend it.
I actually have time to write. I haven't written anything in a while and I have realized that my last blog was not the happiest one. I mean I was actually questioning my friends!
I have not been able to hang out with my friends because I have been so busy, but I have learned of many things that makes me want to be alone. Yes I said it alone. That is the complete opposite of what Daigle the Bagel said in religion class. I have been separating myself. Maybe thats why I am so "busy". Its not that I enjoy being with my friends, I've just realize that I have been separating myself from them. I talk to them at school, but thats basically it. I have noticed a difference as well in myself that probably is one of the causes to this isolation problem. I need to be and hang out with my friends more and I hope that I am able to get over this feeling of being alone.
Another rant about friendships!! Did not think that would happen Signing off Music091
Lately I have been really questioning my friendships. It sounds awful to say but I mean sometimes I feel like I have not been putting much effort into my friendships. I feel like I have been losing my friendships. I know it may seem silly but I really feel that way. As I write this I can think of a couple of people. Every time we are together by ourselves I cannot talk to them. I really mean that I cannot come up with a conversation. We have been friends for a while and i do not regret being this person's friend. but I do regret not spending more time with them. Sharing more stories and times together. I want to be able to leave this school year and this school without having regrets of not caring about my friends. I feel like I have depended on them so much and have not given them anything in return. I keep asking myself are they truly my friends and I do not want to think or ask myself this but it has been haunting me for a while now and I have to get it out. I do not feel comfortable confronting anyone in person. That would be a nice way to start a conversation "Are you really my friend?' I mean i cannot do that after being friends a while. I just wish I would be closer to them and I don't know how to any more. i would not call it a friendship that is going to end after Mount nor a friendship that need sot be saved. I really like them as my friends. it just does not feel like were friends anymore. i do not know if this person feels the same way or knows how I feel, but they don't show it the slightest bit. Bell is going to ring adios!
When I was doing my homework one night after work, everyone else was in bed except for my brother Christian. We just had a fight and I was crying (trust me this is part of the blog and it makes sense just bear with me). I went to get my mom and I thought she was going to come down and stop the fight. She said "Solve it yourself, I am tired." At that point I felt like no one was on my side. I felt like everything was going wrong. I got my SAT scores and also my report card a couple of weeks ago and I did awful compared to everyone else. I really felt stupid.(I promise this is part of the blog and I am not just saying random stuff.) I could not stop crying everything was too much. My grades were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also was overwhelmed with work and everything I was involved in and what I had to do. I just crashed. I was burnt out. I felt like no one appreciated me. I heard footsteps come down the stairs and I felt hands wrap around me. It was my mom. She talked to me and I told her everything. How I felt, just everything. I went to bed feeling like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. I went to school the next day with happiness and a lot less baggage to carry. I just felt great. I went through the whole day so happy. The last period of the day made me feel even happier. It was a meeting with my guidance counselor about college. It was my first college meeting and so she asked me about myself. I talked about myself and she told me that I was a great kid and that she would of liked to have known me earlier but she said that I was not going to have any trouble getting into the colleges I wanted. She said that every Catholic College would want me. I felt like the greatest person on earth. I went to work after school and I felt great. Work went by really quickly and I just was about to leave when one of the teachers told me that I was very thoughful and caring, which was a boost to my self- esteem and my happiness. I finally feel happy with myself. I can finally express it too.
I know this sound emo but its what i was feeling from the beginning of the school year. I sing for joy!
I could be doing homework right now but I have decided not to. Right now I have just been lagging behind. Lately I have been missing homework or I have been forgetting things. I am just entangled with my thoughts. I mean this weekend made me forget everything what I had to do for this week.
Monday morning(my house) I wake up it is 7:00 am and I realized that I was going to be late for this rehearsal I had this morning at school. I tried to get ready as fast as I could and tried to get to school for at least 7:15 even though it started at 7:10. I was ready at 7:10 and I only live 5 minutes away from the school. The problem was that my dad had already left and my mom could not find her keys. I got to school around 7:30ish
Arriving/ TC Half way to school I forgot that it was spirit week and I could wear jeans and shirt instead of my uniform. At that point I did not care anymore. I thought my day could not get any worse.
First Period: calculus Forgot Homework and we reviewed for the Test tomorrow enough said
Well the night before I was able to get to bed around 12 am a little later. That is actually quite early for this week. I mean I have been working alot and all my other commitments as well. I do not know how I am able to function.
I know how I survive
I have this day called Wednsday. It is my day off from work. I can just relax that day. I have no commitments. Well today I had some commitments to attend to. I had practice for cantoring and I had homework but other than that I had no other commitments today. I was going to run at the track at 6:30 pm just like I do every Wednsday.
That did not happen
I told myself oh I will just sleep for 20 minutes. Well by the time I woke up it was 7:30 aqnd already dark outside. So I did not go running. I am still very disapointed that I did not go running. But anyways I guess thats what lack of sleep does to you.
You just collasp.
When I woke up my mother had supper for me and who can resist food. Excercise or food? It was too dark to go running anyway. I not only had one of my favorite meals I had coffee ice cream. If anyone knows me paersonally, you know I am slightly obessesed with coffee ice cream and coffee milk. I hate regular coffee though. After that I danced in the living room at my house to Disturbia by Rihanna and other songs like I do not want to be in love by Good Charlotte.
All in all it was a good day
At school I only had one real class and the rest were frees.
Life right seems as if its on fast foward. I mean my life right now is completely rushed. I cannot wait for it to be the weekend. I mean my schedule is out of control! The only day I can actually relax and do nothing is Friday night. I usaully am busy that day too. I mean this Friday I have a clam cake and clam chowder supper I am volunteering at.
Last friday was amazing. I went to the Senior picnic at my school. After that me and couple of friends just chilled at Dunkin Donuts for like 2-3 hours. We just talked and that was the first night I was able to just hang out with them and relax in a long time.
Thid week has been a busy week. I had work and homework and make up work. I was sick and I stayed home so I had so much make up work to do. I cannot begin to count how much I have to do. I work 3 days a week thats not including tutoring. Not including all the homework I have to do and activities I am involved in.
I wish I did not have to rush. I wish I had a remote control that alowed me to pause life for one moment.
For the pass several weeks I haven't been able to do anything online. Maybe for 5 minutes but that is pretty much it. I have been so busy with work and all these activities that I don't really have time. THe thing that has taken the most time is running. It started off just in the morning and now its twice a day. In the morning at around 8, 8:30 am and sometimes after work as well around 8, 8:30 pm.
My dear mother has told me that I am pushing my limit. I have no idea if I sound obsessed or crazy. I just enjoying running so much I think I am going crazy. I run 2 miles in a row and then I will add another mile after I walk about another mile. Sometimes I think I am pushing my limit but sometimes I do not think I am doing enough.
That last part makes me sound crazy. I know I do enough but sometimes feel I have to do more. I think thats the reason I am being so anti social. So if anyone can help please do!!! Leave a comment. Oh and be completely honest. If you think I am crazy just say it!!! Example: Your INSANE!!!! or keep up the good work. Am I pushing the limit or do you think I can keep going.
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WIDGETIZE