Posts tagged with "funny"
In what was perhaps the most meaningful discovery ever made, early man exited the safety and shelter of his prehistoric cave, struck two stones together, and for the first time in history created fire.
Moments later, man created fire for the second time and, after all the screaming and excited yelling had died down, the third, fourth, and fifth time.
"Fire, and its ability to light any object not currently on fire instantly on fire, completely changed human existence," noted archaeologist and historian Phillip Krensen said. "Not only could man now defend himself from dangerous predators, but he could also cook their meat, then get up from the bonfire, smile briefly to himself, and spend the rest of the evening seeing what else there was around to burn down."
"Our findings indicate that this ranged widely from brittle husks of corn, to small branches and twigs, to other unsuspecting Homo erectus within arm's reach," Krensen added. "Indeed, it was a time of great fire-related exploration."
According to remarkably detailed cave paintings from the period, early humans attempted to set fire to surrounding bushes, roaming buffalo, uncooperative mates, the sky, primitive tools, the ground, cooperative mates, and, judging by their often blackened appearance, most of the cave paintings themselves.
In addition to influencing prehistoric eating habits, art, and interpersonal relationships, the introduction of fire also gave rise to several new leisure activities, such as fire-watching and fire-gazing, and helped to develop early modes of communication. Some scholars have gone so far as to claim that without the discovery of fire, modern man wouldn't have the amazing range of frightened and pained expressions and exclamations that he does today.
"Fire definitely had a very powerful effect on individuals at the time," said Howard Schwartzman, an expert in early human civilizations who spoke to reporters from his home in upstate New York. "It was like nothing else they had ever seen before, and for the next century or so, it became just about the only thing anyone could pay any attention to."
"But then, who can blame them," added Schwartzman, suddenly throwing his glass of whiskey into the fireplace next to him. "Man, just look at that thing go."
New research shows that early humans may have lost the secret to fire for nearly 3,000 years after they attempted to set a nearby lake ablaze.
READ MORE AT THE ONION
Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."
"Everything is here already," the pictograph continues. "We do not need more stars."
Historians believe that, immediately following the biblical event, Sumerian witnesses returned to the city of Eridu, a bustling metropolis built 1,500 years before God called for the appearance of dry land, to discuss the new development. According to records, Sumerian farmers, priests, and civic administrators were not only befuddled, but also took issue with the face of God moving across the water, saying that He scared away those who were traveling to Mesopotamia to participate in their vast and intricate trade system.
Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations.
"The Sumerian people must have found God's making of heaven and earth in the middle of their well-established society to be more of an annoyance than anything else," said Paul Helund, ancient history professor at Cornell University. "If what the pictographs indicate are true, His loud voice interrupted their ancient prayer rituals for an entire week."
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God's most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
"These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant," one Sumerian philosopher wrote. "They must be the creation of a complete idiot."
Following the lethal poisoning of more than a half million people over the course of several millennia, cultures across the globe finally learned how to identify which mushrooms could be safely consumed.
"Thousands upon thousands of human beings sacrificed themselves to determine which varieties of wild mushroom are delicious and which will paralyze and kill you on the spot," historian Marcus Whiting told reporters. "Without their painful, often grueling, prolonged, and excruciating deaths, we would never have discovered that it's okay to liven up a miso soup with a handful of flavorful shiitakes."
Scholars have long viewed this event as the most significant of its kind since the deaths of more than 800,000 confirmed that the bear could not be milked.
This isn't brave, it's murder
Is it about my cube?
JAR JAR! I WILL FIND YOU!
My scythe... I like to keep it close to where my heart used to be.
And thats what its all about!
|November 2013January 2014|