The end of a marriage...
Wednesday, 14. November 2007, 22:33:54
Hubby & I talked through the DS1 stuff & presented a united front.
Then we talked about "us" as if there might still be an "us". There's not. We are biding our time till the lease is up (for me) and till DS2 is 18 so he "doesn't ever have to pay child support".
He believes I am to blame for ruining his life. He believes I have "damaged" him. AND he believes I have dishonored his relationship with his sons by covering for them when he was being unreasonable. But the ONLY reason he hasn't left me yet comes down to not wanting to pay child support.
I will need to grieve a little. A part of my life is over. I threw my whole life away for "us". I hurt so many people. I loved him so much. So much passion...where did it go? How did we get to this place? This black hole of pain & emptiness? Little falters, little mistakes...then bigger ones. Pain. Anger. Shutting each other out. Faulty foundation/shaky walls. A forbidden relationship that should never have been. Now an abyss of festering puss. Ick. No bridge back. No rope to hold. Only love, grown icy cold.
The one man in my life that I didn't cheat on and it failed anyway. Totally odd. Marriage is not for everyone, they say, and it's obviously not for me, or I'm not for it, one of the two.
He'll be 36 when we split. Not too old to start again. Maybe to have that little girl he's always wanted!
Lord...could he find sweetness for the rest of his life? A sweet woman who won't lie to him and who will be younger and into the things he's into - gaming, whatever. Our beginnings were so wrong and so tainted. Please let him find love and happiness, in spite of "us". Thank you. Amen.
Then we talked about "us" as if there might still be an "us". There's not. We are biding our time till the lease is up (for me) and till DS2 is 18 so he "doesn't ever have to pay child support".
He believes I am to blame for ruining his life. He believes I have "damaged" him. AND he believes I have dishonored his relationship with his sons by covering for them when he was being unreasonable. But the ONLY reason he hasn't left me yet comes down to not wanting to pay child support.
I will need to grieve a little. A part of my life is over. I threw my whole life away for "us". I hurt so many people. I loved him so much. So much passion...where did it go? How did we get to this place? This black hole of pain & emptiness? Little falters, little mistakes...then bigger ones. Pain. Anger. Shutting each other out. Faulty foundation/shaky walls. A forbidden relationship that should never have been. Now an abyss of festering puss. Ick. No bridge back. No rope to hold. Only love, grown icy cold.
The one man in my life that I didn't cheat on and it failed anyway. Totally odd. Marriage is not for everyone, they say, and it's obviously not for me, or I'm not for it, one of the two.
He'll be 36 when we split. Not too old to start again. Maybe to have that little girl he's always wanted!
Lord...could he find sweetness for the rest of his life? A sweet woman who won't lie to him and who will be younger and into the things he's into - gaming, whatever. Our beginnings were so wrong and so tainted. Please let him find love and happiness, in spite of "us". Thank you. Amen.
WIDGETIZE