My OperaRelationships
Thursday, October 30, 2008 8:07:34 PM
The first stage is the 'in love' process which is a wonderful 'honeymoon' period to the relationship. Senses are hightened and we feel alive. Watch "The Mirror Has Two Faces" for a eye opening insight to the facets of loving. It is a necessary part of the relationship dance if we are to evolve, uncovering the depth at the gift of what love can bring us - which is very rewarding. The next phase begins the acceptance of the others strengths and weaknesses (as well as our own) as the individual we fell in love with starts coming down from the pedestal we have placed them on. Reality sets in and we see the full encompassing truth of our partner. The lasting phase is beyond compassionate acceptance where your heart is full beyond measure at the wonderful fluidic movement that comes when the dance starts a rythmic intuitive connectedness that happens when you are in harmony with your mate and your souls are united in this love. That is the Gold at the End of the Rainbow!
How do we begin?
We all vacillate between being single and wanting a relationship, wanting freedom yet craving closeness & intimacy. Understanding that we want consistancy yet liking spontaneous moments helps with our complex and seemingly wavering minds between these two 'opposite' desires. Time together yet needing time to be with yourself and your thoughts also seem contradictory, but an essential part of being human. Independence must give way to a shared collaboration of each others heart and mind. Passion must engage BOTH people. We all want a roadmap to a successful encounter that will lead us towards more rewarding relationships.
Know that we all want to be loved accepted for who we are. Sometimes it isn’t easy doing that very thing for ourselves. Giving our self love requires patience, compassion and an ability to forgive ~ how do you give it to your best friend? Well guess what, your best friend is also you!
Love of self emerges from within and acceptance of others comes from an emotional level. Whether briefly or keeping & sustaining relationships, LOVE is at the core of every interaction with everyone you meet.
Giving love sometimes is equally difficult. Knowing when to give space or come close, speak or just listen is a dance, an art form that requires developing a skill; part of which is about paying attention, looking for subtle cues, then checking in with our partner to get confirming feedback.
Now, we may not be able to accomplish this at ALL times, because we have our own needs that sometimes conflict with our partner. Being sensitive to yours as well as theirs is just as important. Trusting that our needs will be met, (sometimes not immediately or in the way we think) is key to a healthy partnership, equally the communication. Listening is a skill and is the key that opens up the door to the larger part of understanding, which when gently applied, not forced, continues to strengthen the foundation of your home/your heart(s).
~~~~~~~~
Let us look at our gender roles. This will give us a better understanding of ourselves as individuals.
What is it to be a man? IS it about working 40-60-90 hours? Or being able to lift 250 lbs. Making all the decisions? Not showing emotions? What about being a woman? Is it about always nurturing at our own expense? Always keeping the house in order? (Are we always) being emotional?
Each one challenges the myth of who we are suppose to be. This is what our culture & society has supported as well as repressed; denying or rejecting and sending disapproving subtle messages, stopping us from allowing our being true to our human creation. (we need so much love in growing as infants to children into adults that we sculpt & chisel ourselves to get that acceptance and constant flow of approval/love). Sometimes that need is unmet; unfulfilled.
We have suppressed our nature by centuries of conditioning because our past & basic survival needs created the imbalance in both.
While we have come to learn and develop these qualities that have determined what our individual gender is to be like, it was out of circumstances that had us develop these characteristic and therefore exist today as a result of them. However, times are changing and we are realizing that we have within all the qualities that make us human. Neither gender has a role to play. The dishes are not woman’s work, the mowing of the lawn mans, or fixing the electrical outlets or washing clothes are not gender exclusive roles.
So why perpetuate this burden into the 21 century? WE have options, choices, and for BOTH of us to contribute to a happy, healthy relationship the requirements are mutually contributing to it, in what ever way that each of you willingly and voluntarily want to do.
So with that said without going any further, it is up to BOTH of us to guide & nurture, to be supportive and giving, to be open & receptive, within the flow of expression that comes about naturally from one another, without the demand of role playing. Then can you have the most satisfying and rewarding relationship, removing the expectation – and ASK for what you need instead, so your partner knows what you want from him/her.
Now just because you have asked, doesn't mean that your partner is going to be giving whatever it is to you just because you have approached them. They have a choice in the matter, as a fully functioning adult - and it is healthy to decline as long as it is not repetitive or constant (if this is the case then this is a power struggle and a 'punishment' mentality designed to not meet your needs). Otherwise this (no) can feel especially good within ourselves (both partners) if it comes from the heart when it comes from a loving place. If your need comes from a place of unresolved or unfinished childhood issues, recognize the request will come across and seen as an emotional demand that is being projected onto your partner and will your partner will feel 'put upon'. It's neither wrong or bad, but needs to be explored.
Realize that you do not have to resent them or you feel guilty, but use this as an opportunity for healing - open up a dialogue or look at it yourself to further examine the core of your request. Is it co-dependent in nature? Or, is it from a truly basic human place for one another. Embrace both, learn & grow from it all.
Although some of you believe Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars - I believe if you ascribe to this, that it reinforces old, outdated & archaic behaviors which polarizes the male/female dynamics ~ realize we are now united - as women like to come home and 'hide out in the cave' to regroup and reenergize from a long hard day at work, too. We want not only our feelings heard, validated, and acknowledged - we want the results that stem from the reason why we were upset or feeling them deeply in the first place - and to implement change.
Your relationship is an opportunity to explore! Find out what works and what needs to be discarded. We are not fixed in any one way, we have so much yet discover, why not ourselves (with each other)?
FAIRNESS in FIGHTING and LIVING TOGETHER
Disagreements happen from time to time. Arguments occur when you or your partner feel misunderstood, not listened to or unvalidated. You can create a healthy relationship by DISCUSSING your feelings without the drama and deepen your love. Here are some of the ways:
Ground Rules: Do not bring up the past or other situations into the discussion that you are presently engaged in. Avoid any 'below the belt' fighting. This ranges from insults thrown towards family members, subtle put-downs, or direct verbal assaults toward the one you LOVE.
Bring the other issues up at another time, and keep them separate from the current one that is on the table. This requires honesty and integrity, caring and respect - not unproductive criticism. So don't attack, or guilt them, nor yell.
Listen by not interrupting, giving each other the room to express genuine feelings, to get to the core of problem; to resolve the issue. Give them your undivided attention (active listening) that includes eye contact, too. Most importantly, do not leave abruptly to 'win' the argument or run away from the situation. If it becomes too intense, just say you need to take a minute, but stay with the moment - unless, of course, it results in toxic behavior. So set clear boundaries, give each other a time frame so that you can respond to what is being presented. If it becomes too intense, overwhelming, say so and take a a few minutes to regroup your thoughts and feelings and come back together. This is your partner, not your adversary, so don't do things that undermine them or the relationship, because ultimately you support each other.
What is All this Fighting for?
Fairly divide the 'chores' of the housework between EACH of you so that you are participating in the care of a shared living environment. If there is a power struggle, you will soon notice certain behaviors.
Actions and behaviors effect every relationship, some are cute and entertaining, add to the enjoyment of your lives together, but when it starts to undermine the wealth you are attempting to invest in your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.
Is it really about the lid off the toothpaste? Is it about forgetting the dry cleaning? No, it isn't, not really. What does it represent to you? What feelings are brought up for you? What is underneath their/your behavior? What are you suppressing? It's not just about the trash being put out either.
You could be overworked, tired, distracted, or it's years of a habitual pattern. If this is a huge issue for the both of you, then take a look at what is going on. Do you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, unloved in some fashion? Why & how are you affected? These are signs and an opportunity for deepening the relationship by having your partner aware of what is going on with you by beginning a dialogue; opening up the lines of communication and sharing your most intimate self - your feelings - to eliminate resentment and build a closer more fulfilling relationship. It may not get him or her to put the cap back on, or resolve trash night completely, give it time, give him/her room to look at this action, habit, behavior and continue to work at building you house of love.
Being Genuinely Intimate
Give a simple touch on the shoulder or just a glance is one example of simple ways to access the heart and in achieving a connection. You could be reading in the next room and he might be doing the dishes, and you can feel you are 'together'.
Sharing your hopes, fears, and dreams and feelings are another way in which to achieve the intimacy we all crave. Participate in cooking, preparing the food together, or some other interaction that has to involve the both of you.
In achieving physical intimacy, you may be surprised at how we as human beings mistake some urges as a response for a physical need for sex. Perhaps we are just wanting closeness, and tender moments with the other. One way to explore the possibility of achieving such a distinction would be to give each other a foot massage.
Some of you may laugh at this or think and other think this will lead to more. But for this to work, the intention is designed to keep this strictly non-invasive and non-sexual, so that you can achieve deeper emotional connection. Tenderness and gentle touch with eye contact is essential, giving feedback about what feels good.
It can even be a massaging of your partners hand or include a shoulder, arm or leg massage - to start - then as the trust deepens and the safety of the environment increases, you can then expand - again with emphasis that this will be non-sexual; to build trust and create a safe environment to cultivate another level of intimacy.
If you can master this, then greater mastery over your love life & other areas can be greatly enhanced and more successful.
You could do something that is very special for that person, that shows a level of intimacy that only the two of you share a funny little 'thing' that he/she does that matters, or it could be as simple as putting the coffee on, opening up the curtains or windows to let air and sunlight in, because you know he loves the smell of brewing dark roasted coffee, the fresh morning air and the warmth and brightness of the day. Maybe she likes chocolate covered cherries, or macadamia nuts - so before she goes off to work, you place them in the car for her to see - it might seem small, but has a huge impact, as she/he carries those warm feelings about you throughout their day - all the while, looking forward to spending time with you later that night. Maybe its the reverse for you and yours, but find that special something that says I'm thinking of you and I love you, with just a little effort and action.
Another way to have a deeper connection with your partner is to do this simple exercise. Place your left hand on the center of their chest, and theirs yours. Then look into each others eyes as your relax your body and begin to simply breath, all the while keeping eye contact. This method connects your to your partner, through touch, sight, and also to the heart.
Ultimately, choosing a partner and being with your partner is not a substitute to fill a void or avoid an emptiness within yourself. Its okay to spend time alone with yourself, to go within to find and fulfill your creative spirit, to make a connection with your Creator; the key is balance. Time together and time apart is healthy. We are unique individuals who have our own gift to give and to contribute to society, and our individuality must be expressed in order to thrive, to grow. So don't panic when your partner needs time to spend it doing something he/she likes - as long as there is balance, communication and commitment in your relationship you will have a healthy, loving, and fulfilling love~life together.
Why Won't He Talk to Me?
Men are complicated creatures, yet very basic males. They feel deep, sometimes passionately, but they hold those feelings in like precious pieces of gold, only spending a few at a time, measuring their weight, seeing what their current value is. Waiting to spend them at the appropriate time, when to make the best investment with them. Risking the investment and pouring more into the 'stock' of relationship comes when it looks like there would be a greater loss without it and it keeps the value 'high' in the emotional/relationship market.
Men have been trained not to talk about feelings because it protects them from being 'attacked' - it's like showing an Achilles Heel without any armor. They hold their feelings in, keeping them from being revealed, not to be exposed for fear of being found out. It comes from 'the law of the jungle'.
Vulnerability creates fear for most of us, because we are sensitive and gentle creatures underneath all that bravado, all that loud talking, or peacocking[/B] -it's all a call for LOVE. But to reveal ourselves to another scares us, because there is always the possibility of being misunderstand or not well received, or maybe hurt. So we hold it in, hoping that we won't be discovered, waiting for those feeling to go unnoticed, resolved and dissipated. For men AND women to open that 'door' is like opening a Pandora's box, and in our fear we thing it might start a flood gate of feelings that have no retaining wall, and this scares men - within themselves and also in handling yours. The fact is is that men want to show them, actually willing, when they feel safe, secure, clear of criticism or fault finding.
So create that space. Know that if you allow and not force the issue, but gently approach them with what is bothering you; you will have him opening up. Think about it - how would you like your man to address you with an issue that is difficult, complex or painful? In this way, men and women are similar.
How do we begin?
We all vacillate between being single and wanting a relationship, wanting freedom yet craving closeness & intimacy. Understanding that we want consistancy yet liking spontaneous moments helps with our complex and seemingly wavering minds between these two 'opposite' desires. Time together yet needing time to be with yourself and your thoughts also seem contradictory, but an essential part of being human. Independence must give way to a shared collaboration of each others heart and mind. Passion must engage BOTH people. We all want a roadmap to a successful encounter that will lead us towards more rewarding relationships.
Know that we all want to be loved accepted for who we are. Sometimes it isn’t easy doing that very thing for ourselves. Giving our self love requires patience, compassion and an ability to forgive ~ how do you give it to your best friend? Well guess what, your best friend is also you!
Love of self emerges from within and acceptance of others comes from an emotional level. Whether briefly or keeping & sustaining relationships, LOVE is at the core of every interaction with everyone you meet.
Giving love sometimes is equally difficult. Knowing when to give space or come close, speak or just listen is a dance, an art form that requires developing a skill; part of which is about paying attention, looking for subtle cues, then checking in with our partner to get confirming feedback.
Now, we may not be able to accomplish this at ALL times, because we have our own needs that sometimes conflict with our partner. Being sensitive to yours as well as theirs is just as important. Trusting that our needs will be met, (sometimes not immediately or in the way we think) is key to a healthy partnership, equally the communication. Listening is a skill and is the key that opens up the door to the larger part of understanding, which when gently applied, not forced, continues to strengthen the foundation of your home/your heart(s).
~~~~~~~~
Let us look at our gender roles. This will give us a better understanding of ourselves as individuals.
What is it to be a man? IS it about working 40-60-90 hours? Or being able to lift 250 lbs. Making all the decisions? Not showing emotions? What about being a woman? Is it about always nurturing at our own expense? Always keeping the house in order? (Are we always) being emotional?
Each one challenges the myth of who we are suppose to be. This is what our culture & society has supported as well as repressed; denying or rejecting and sending disapproving subtle messages, stopping us from allowing our being true to our human creation. (we need so much love in growing as infants to children into adults that we sculpt & chisel ourselves to get that acceptance and constant flow of approval/love). Sometimes that need is unmet; unfulfilled.
We have suppressed our nature by centuries of conditioning because our past & basic survival needs created the imbalance in both.
While we have come to learn and develop these qualities that have determined what our individual gender is to be like, it was out of circumstances that had us develop these characteristic and therefore exist today as a result of them. However, times are changing and we are realizing that we have within all the qualities that make us human. Neither gender has a role to play. The dishes are not woman’s work, the mowing of the lawn mans, or fixing the electrical outlets or washing clothes are not gender exclusive roles.
So why perpetuate this burden into the 21 century? WE have options, choices, and for BOTH of us to contribute to a happy, healthy relationship the requirements are mutually contributing to it, in what ever way that each of you willingly and voluntarily want to do.
So with that said without going any further, it is up to BOTH of us to guide & nurture, to be supportive and giving, to be open & receptive, within the flow of expression that comes about naturally from one another, without the demand of role playing. Then can you have the most satisfying and rewarding relationship, removing the expectation – and ASK for what you need instead, so your partner knows what you want from him/her.
Now just because you have asked, doesn't mean that your partner is going to be giving whatever it is to you just because you have approached them. They have a choice in the matter, as a fully functioning adult - and it is healthy to decline as long as it is not repetitive or constant (if this is the case then this is a power struggle and a 'punishment' mentality designed to not meet your needs). Otherwise this (no) can feel especially good within ourselves (both partners) if it comes from the heart when it comes from a loving place. If your need comes from a place of unresolved or unfinished childhood issues, recognize the request will come across and seen as an emotional demand that is being projected onto your partner and will your partner will feel 'put upon'. It's neither wrong or bad, but needs to be explored.
Realize that you do not have to resent them or you feel guilty, but use this as an opportunity for healing - open up a dialogue or look at it yourself to further examine the core of your request. Is it co-dependent in nature? Or, is it from a truly basic human place for one another. Embrace both, learn & grow from it all.
Although some of you believe Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars - I believe if you ascribe to this, that it reinforces old, outdated & archaic behaviors which polarizes the male/female dynamics ~ realize we are now united - as women like to come home and 'hide out in the cave' to regroup and reenergize from a long hard day at work, too. We want not only our feelings heard, validated, and acknowledged - we want the results that stem from the reason why we were upset or feeling them deeply in the first place - and to implement change.
Your relationship is an opportunity to explore! Find out what works and what needs to be discarded. We are not fixed in any one way, we have so much yet discover, why not ourselves (with each other)?
FAIRNESS in FIGHTING and LIVING TOGETHER
Disagreements happen from time to time. Arguments occur when you or your partner feel misunderstood, not listened to or unvalidated. You can create a healthy relationship by DISCUSSING your feelings without the drama and deepen your love. Here are some of the ways:
Ground Rules: Do not bring up the past or other situations into the discussion that you are presently engaged in. Avoid any 'below the belt' fighting. This ranges from insults thrown towards family members, subtle put-downs, or direct verbal assaults toward the one you LOVE.
Bring the other issues up at another time, and keep them separate from the current one that is on the table. This requires honesty and integrity, caring and respect - not unproductive criticism. So don't attack, or guilt them, nor yell.
Listen by not interrupting, giving each other the room to express genuine feelings, to get to the core of problem; to resolve the issue. Give them your undivided attention (active listening) that includes eye contact, too. Most importantly, do not leave abruptly to 'win' the argument or run away from the situation. If it becomes too intense, just say you need to take a minute, but stay with the moment - unless, of course, it results in toxic behavior. So set clear boundaries, give each other a time frame so that you can respond to what is being presented. If it becomes too intense, overwhelming, say so and take a a few minutes to regroup your thoughts and feelings and come back together. This is your partner, not your adversary, so don't do things that undermine them or the relationship, because ultimately you support each other.
What is All this Fighting for?
Fairly divide the 'chores' of the housework between EACH of you so that you are participating in the care of a shared living environment. If there is a power struggle, you will soon notice certain behaviors.
Actions and behaviors effect every relationship, some are cute and entertaining, add to the enjoyment of your lives together, but when it starts to undermine the wealth you are attempting to invest in your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.
Is it really about the lid off the toothpaste? Is it about forgetting the dry cleaning? No, it isn't, not really. What does it represent to you? What feelings are brought up for you? What is underneath their/your behavior? What are you suppressing? It's not just about the trash being put out either.
You could be overworked, tired, distracted, or it's years of a habitual pattern. If this is a huge issue for the both of you, then take a look at what is going on. Do you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, unloved in some fashion? Why & how are you affected? These are signs and an opportunity for deepening the relationship by having your partner aware of what is going on with you by beginning a dialogue; opening up the lines of communication and sharing your most intimate self - your feelings - to eliminate resentment and build a closer more fulfilling relationship. It may not get him or her to put the cap back on, or resolve trash night completely, give it time, give him/her room to look at this action, habit, behavior and continue to work at building you house of love.
Being Genuinely Intimate
Give a simple touch on the shoulder or just a glance is one example of simple ways to access the heart and in achieving a connection. You could be reading in the next room and he might be doing the dishes, and you can feel you are 'together'.
Sharing your hopes, fears, and dreams and feelings are another way in which to achieve the intimacy we all crave. Participate in cooking, preparing the food together, or some other interaction that has to involve the both of you.
In achieving physical intimacy, you may be surprised at how we as human beings mistake some urges as a response for a physical need for sex. Perhaps we are just wanting closeness, and tender moments with the other. One way to explore the possibility of achieving such a distinction would be to give each other a foot massage.
Some of you may laugh at this or think and other think this will lead to more. But for this to work, the intention is designed to keep this strictly non-invasive and non-sexual, so that you can achieve deeper emotional connection. Tenderness and gentle touch with eye contact is essential, giving feedback about what feels good.
It can even be a massaging of your partners hand or include a shoulder, arm or leg massage - to start - then as the trust deepens and the safety of the environment increases, you can then expand - again with emphasis that this will be non-sexual; to build trust and create a safe environment to cultivate another level of intimacy.
If you can master this, then greater mastery over your love life & other areas can be greatly enhanced and more successful.
You could do something that is very special for that person, that shows a level of intimacy that only the two of you share a funny little 'thing' that he/she does that matters, or it could be as simple as putting the coffee on, opening up the curtains or windows to let air and sunlight in, because you know he loves the smell of brewing dark roasted coffee, the fresh morning air and the warmth and brightness of the day. Maybe she likes chocolate covered cherries, or macadamia nuts - so before she goes off to work, you place them in the car for her to see - it might seem small, but has a huge impact, as she/he carries those warm feelings about you throughout their day - all the while, looking forward to spending time with you later that night. Maybe its the reverse for you and yours, but find that special something that says I'm thinking of you and I love you, with just a little effort and action.
Another way to have a deeper connection with your partner is to do this simple exercise. Place your left hand on the center of their chest, and theirs yours. Then look into each others eyes as your relax your body and begin to simply breath, all the while keeping eye contact. This method connects your to your partner, through touch, sight, and also to the heart.
Ultimately, choosing a partner and being with your partner is not a substitute to fill a void or avoid an emptiness within yourself. Its okay to spend time alone with yourself, to go within to find and fulfill your creative spirit, to make a connection with your Creator; the key is balance. Time together and time apart is healthy. We are unique individuals who have our own gift to give and to contribute to society, and our individuality must be expressed in order to thrive, to grow. So don't panic when your partner needs time to spend it doing something he/she likes - as long as there is balance, communication and commitment in your relationship you will have a healthy, loving, and fulfilling love~life together.
Why Won't He Talk to Me?
Men are complicated creatures, yet very basic males. They feel deep, sometimes passionately, but they hold those feelings in like precious pieces of gold, only spending a few at a time, measuring their weight, seeing what their current value is. Waiting to spend them at the appropriate time, when to make the best investment with them. Risking the investment and pouring more into the 'stock' of relationship comes when it looks like there would be a greater loss without it and it keeps the value 'high' in the emotional/relationship market.
Men have been trained not to talk about feelings because it protects them from being 'attacked' - it's like showing an Achilles Heel without any armor. They hold their feelings in, keeping them from being revealed, not to be exposed for fear of being found out. It comes from 'the law of the jungle'.
Vulnerability creates fear for most of us, because we are sensitive and gentle creatures underneath all that bravado, all that loud talking, or peacocking[/B] -it's all a call for LOVE. But to reveal ourselves to another scares us, because there is always the possibility of being misunderstand or not well received, or maybe hurt. So we hold it in, hoping that we won't be discovered, waiting for those feeling to go unnoticed, resolved and dissipated. For men AND women to open that 'door' is like opening a Pandora's box, and in our fear we thing it might start a flood gate of feelings that have no retaining wall, and this scares men - within themselves and also in handling yours. The fact is is that men want to show them, actually willing, when they feel safe, secure, clear of criticism or fault finding.
So create that space. Know that if you allow and not force the issue, but gently approach them with what is bothering you; you will have him opening up. Think about it - how would you like your man to address you with an issue that is difficult, complex or painful? In this way, men and women are similar.
