How To Tell The Difference Between Metal Sub-Genres

Sunday, June 5, 2011 5:38:14 AM

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headbang POWER METAL The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.


headbang THRASH METAL The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.


headbang HEAVY METAL The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and fucks the princess.


headbang FOLK METAL The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes, and many more weird instruments - the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.


headbang VIKING METAL The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.


headbang DEATH METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.


headbang BLACK METAL The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night within a castle full of Hell hounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed, and sacrifices the princess to Satan.


headbang GORE METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.


headbang DOOM METAL The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him. Then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.


headbang PROGRESSIVE METAL The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.


headbang GLAM METAL The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.


headbang NU METAL The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

Everyone Is Born Right-Handed. Only The Best Overcome It.National Day of Slayer

Comments

Dacotah Sunday, June 5, 2011 5:48:03 AM

That's some list. bigsmile
lol

KarenNerak Sunday, June 5, 2011 5:49:48 AM

lol People always ask me the differences. Perhaps this will help. devil

Dacotah Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:38:06 AM

That should do it. lol

Charles SchlossChas4 Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:54:46 AM

Well now I know

kalynka Sunday, June 5, 2011 8:00:53 AM

Very helpful whistle

Robert Jacobsenrobertj Sunday, June 5, 2011 8:28:49 AM

Power metal - hell yes!

MConor Sunday, June 5, 2011 4:43:39 PM

And yet, I love them all heart Except folk metal.

Robert Jacobsenrobertj Sunday, June 5, 2011 5:33:52 PM

I haven't really heard much Folk metal. Any examples? It still contains growling, doesn't it?

Alexodius PrimeAleksOD Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:08:43 PM

right
I think I prefer Power Metal, afterall... Kamelot FTW! wink

Robert Jacobsenrobertj Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:12:35 PM

Edguy and Avantasia are my major preferences for the time being. I tried listening to Kamelot, but I didn't get spellbound then. I ought to give it another spin in a while. For now... Edguy - Theater of Salvation. <3

d4rkn1ght Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:16:08 PM

I'm more traditional when it comes to heavy music. Heavy Metal is where I'm at! Classic Maiden, Priest, Dio, Sabbath, etc... headbang knight

MConor Sunday, June 5, 2011 6:33:08 PM

Thrash, Heavy, Viking and Nu (I know, I'm sorry) are my favorites, but in reality, I love almost all metal. Metal is as diverse as jazz.

Uncle MickMickeyjoe-Irl Sunday, June 5, 2011 11:22:38 PM

confused I was sure one of them would end up fucking the dragon.

KarenNerak Monday, June 6, 2011 12:32:10 AM

lol @ Mickey

Death Metal is still my favorite. heart

Alexodius PrimeAleksOD Monday, June 6, 2011 2:57:08 PM

Originally posted by robertj:

I tried listening to Kamelot, but I didn't get spellbound then. I ought to give it another spin in a while.


Try later albums. The earlier stuff is a bit... meh.

BulbasaurJetPackBulbasaur Wednesday, June 8, 2011 4:46:32 PM

headbang

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMWqzHvSMvw

Thanks for the image of a shady-looking man, black long hair and covered in metal, humping a molten corpse!

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