There is a holiday for every day of the year, and I happened to notice that today is Colonic Day. I've never had a colonic, nor will I ever have one. :shudder: The thought makes my sphincter tighten up so much that I could probably turn coal into diamonds in a matter of minutes. Not that I'm about to go shoving coal where the sun don't shine.

That's pretty much all I have to say on the matter. I haven't posted on my My Opera blog for a while, so I figured it was time. Lovely choice of subject matter to post with, eh?

BTW - for those of you who don't already know, I've been posting more on my site: Karen's Chronicles I had stopped for a long time, but recently got back into it. I think changing the look of it was all it took for me to become interested in it again. I'm shallow like that.

Have a lovely day and if you're gutsier than I, enjoy your colonic!

So, I got another free perfume sample in the mail. This makes the 39487329847th perfume sample I've gotten...give or take one or two.

The sample I'm talking about is Gwen Stefani's fragrance called L.A.M.B. - Uh, I have no fucking clue what that stands for, but I can tell you this: I would much rather smell a lamb than this stuff. It reeks! My usual routine is to rip the sample open and rub it all over myself before it has a chance to evaporate. It's never proven to be a bad idea...until now. I'm sitting here reeking like a goddamned farm animal who shat flowers. How will Lonnie possibly be able to hold himself back from humping me on this lovely Hump Day?! Yes, that was sarcasm & I'm really pissed that this might cost me some nookie!

Now I need to go take another shower just to rid myself of this stench. I smell like an 80 year old hooker with a bad case of gas! (LC can relate to the whole gas thing. He works with the Gas Master.)

There is no freakin' way I'd pay a minimum of $55 to smell like this. They invented soap so people won't smell like this!

P.S.
Yes, that is dancing shit up there. It's appropriate in this situation.

WOW! I am so flippin' tripped out right now! I just did something I have NEVER done before!

I needed a coffee refill, so I walked down the hall towards the kitchen. I have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen...then I noticed something moving out of the corner of my eye! I'm a pretty skittish person, so I immediately stopped in my tracks and scoped it out. It was a BIGASS spider! Holy shit - I'm not talking one of those little, "I'm a wimp" type of spiders! I'm talking one of those, "I'm going to chew your head off and take a leak down your esophagus" types of spiders!

It looked A LOT like this: CLICKY-CLICKY-BO-BICKY

Soooo, I ran into Lonnie's office and yelled, "Holy shit! There's a bigass spider on the fireplace! HELP!" He wasn't about to budge. He said, "Get a shoe and smoosh it." *shakes head* There's no way in Hell I was about to do that. I told him, "I am NOT about to kill a living creature just because it had the bad luck of making a wrong turn into our house!"...and then I stomped off into the living room in disgust over what he suggested I do! If I kill a bug, I literally sit and stew about it all day long. It eats me up inside. I'm so hardcore, huh? A real meanie!

Anyway, I went back into the living room and inched my way towards the big, hairy spider. I noticed that as I got closer, it kinda jumped. It was obvious that it could see me! Wow...that really freaked me out. The last thing I wanted was this thing jumping on me! You have NOT seen a person freak right the fuck out until you've seen a bug make contact with me. Seriously. It's a sight to behold! I turn into something like Reagan from "The Exorcist"...minus the Split Pea Soup!

Moving on...I yelled to Lonnie, "I'm going to set it free!" I got no response. As if he cares? So I ran in the kitchen and grabbed my son's big plastic Spider Man cup. (Ironic, yes?) It's basically like a Big Gulp cup that he got when he was a little kid...but is a freak for comics, so has saved it all these years. Anyway, I grabbed said cup and also a tablet of paper and made my way towards the spider. I slammed the cup over the top of it and slowly moved it to the corner of the fireplace....then I slid the tablet under the cup until the entire cup was sitting on the tablet.

I proceeded to run my lily ass to the front door and open it. I ran outside and flicked the cup outwards towards the grass. I looked inside the cup and the spider was still hanging on in there! I shook the cup like crazy until it finally let go and flew into the grass. I then did my "Weebie Jeebie" dance...which basically looks like someone having a seizure while standing up...accompanied by "eww"..."gross"..."nasty" noises & sounds. I'm sure the guy across the street loved every second of that! (I hate neighbors. Screw Mr. Rogers and his neighborly ways!)

So that's what happened! That's the first time I've ever had enough guts to set a spider free! I've always relied on other people to do it for me. I feel like a big girl now! w00t! Only 34 years, but it finally happened! (No, not 75 years, you smartass!)

Okay...so now I'm going to go wash my hands for the 5th time after doing the spider thing. I feel all germy now......