D-Bags Killed Gaming
By AntonCaptainSeagull. Wednesday, July 27, 2011 7:10:17 PM
Enter: Call of Duty: D-Bag gamer #1 played a shooting game... and then the world of gaming fell apart. Oh yeah, because D-Bags get around to all the parties beer-pong is present, they see a lot of other D-Bags, and D-Bag 1 was no exception. He told D-Bags 2-9 about "the totally rad shooter" he played and got them to sit and play a few rounds with him, and what happened next is known to biologists as "binary fission". The D-Bag gamer split and split and split at the beer-pong parties until the gaming industry was flooded with D-Bag gamers who only knew one kind of game, and didn't WANT to know other games because the other D-Bag gamers weren't already playing them, and if one decided to, he would be different than the others, and what aviator glasses wearing D-Bag wants individuality?
High Definition + Deep Wallets: D-Bags like these think that if you watch a VHS tape on an HD TV you are now watching HD media. HD TVs were expensive and BIG and belonged in their status symbol living rooms. They had to have the best of the best, and they had expensive - and they needed CoD in expensive, and that's what M$ and $ony gave them... expensive HD games, bouncing the cost of every game up $10 and introducing $600 consoles to market that can play... Call of Duty. How man Duties are out and exactly the same? who cares, as long as they have the newest one with all the DLC and in the H-est of D's and the fastest net-connections money can buy so they can D-Bag other D-Bags day and night on their days off work, and do nothing but talk about it at work (I hear these guys at work).
Market Watch: Money money money, D-Bags could spend it, and game companies wanted it so what do they do? make billions of shooters, and to diversify things they give their brand a chainsaw gun! or or or OOOO - a sticky grenade! and cash-in on the same thing, there are a lot of D-Bags with a lot of money, and now there are a lot of FPS games, and 3rd person shooters too, we can't forget those, basically shooters. And when companies are about to invest money in their next project what do they do? they watch what the trends are in the industry, and try to cash-in, remember the bajillion Guitar Heroes? Well, when weighing the options, you can TRY and HOPE that your original idea might sell, or KNOW that Call of Duty 15 is going to bury you with cash. And financially it's a good decision for the company.
Grasshoppers are Bugs: Grasshopper is a company trying to meld the violence that D-Bag "hardcore" gamers need to stay cool to the other D-Bags, and invent totally wicked ideas around it, that REAL gamers want. And it's not that real gamers don't want violence, oh we do! We had Resident Evil and Silent Hill and other scary violent stuff that ruled our worlds, we just know that we have nothing to prove by owning and bragging about the violent game we totally like, just bought, n' stuff bro. As a small company they made one wicked game that D-Bag gamers couldn't appreciate, Killer-7, this was a gamers game: mental challenges gallore, and a totally new style of gameplay with one twisted freakin' plot. It was a mental ride all the way through both discs, and even the most avid gamers couldn't predict anything that came next. Then the next big project was No More Heroes, this one really put Grasshopper on the map, it made them real contenders. The mechanics weren't spot-on and the city was lacking any sort of soul, but the characters were really colorful and diverse, characters that though idiotic, mean, and super-flawed were favorites in gaming, Travis Touchdown brought mind-numbing violence hard, and he did it with nerd-tastic flare! he was NOT Joe-nobody from all other violent games, his head was NOT a buzz-cut, and he didn't carry the biggest freakin' gun with him. Nor did he even look angry all the time, like all the other "bad-asses" on every other bad-ass game. NMH got a number 2 (hehehe) and did pretty good. Now Grasshopper was ready to spend some big dollars, the western market bought enough of them, that the company felt it was time to go nuts with the expenses and risk, because like a good gaming company, they needed to risk. Shadows of the Damned came out recently... and didn't do that well. Everyone who plays it loves it, and it is in classic WTF Grasshopper fashion, but it's not the same ole' thing that D-Bag gamers play so while not exactly tanking, it didn't exactly set any records.
Here, Now, You & Me: And here we are, the real gamers waiting for first-party Nintendo to carry the fort all by themselves, while everyone else shovels the same dumb games out over and over again. The gaming industry has changed, and it's kinda rotten. We have no new brands! And while Nintendo is still producing the quality we want, they aren't exactly producing anything new either. Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Animal Crossing this is pretty much the cycle right? I know that everyone (myself super-included) is looking forward to Pikmin 3 whenever that will be launched, but it's also a number three. When will games REALLY get new again? and for that matter... can they? have games gotten to be such a big D-Bag deal now that the risk is too much for companies to bring out new IP's? I really don't know the answer to that, I do know that it's a tough decision for developers to make though. I blame it on the D-Bags, these guys right here dangitt! And just to make one thing clear, you are not a D-Bag just because you play CoD, don't think I'm saying that, your not a D-Bag cause you wear avaitors, or pop your collar (but you are treading thin ice here, that shit was only fresh in the 80's), you are a D-Bag if you take all of those things together and couple them with an Ego that is as high as you are, which is probably about as tall as the hooka you own, and an opinion about yourself that is mightier that the Hemi-Charger you drive off your parent's credit card.
What do you have to say about the current market? am I way off base here? are there really great games on every shelf? are you the second guy from the right in this photo? Do you agree with me? am I correct that the industry has crap everywhere but am wrong as to WHY it is this way? let me know, you got to have something to get off your chest about this.