Yup...It's that time of year again!
Tuesday, 19. August 2008, 15:28:06
That's right. Down here in our little corner of paradise we don't have brush fires, earthquakes, sinkholes, mud-slides, droughts, floods, blizzards , crazy people flying planes into buildings or mountains that explode, but we have a mean little weather condition we loving call "Hurricane Season".....(not to be confused with a drunken night in New Orleans).
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, and any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points: (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, or planning to move here, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "another the big one.''
Based on my experiences, I recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
Step 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Step 2: Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
So, with that in mind, I'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house and drop you like a hot rock at a moments notice!
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will probably fly away.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
"HURRICANE-PROOF'' WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low- lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Louisiana,'' you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
..23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
..Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
..A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
..A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
..A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
..$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean, hanging onto a sign post for dear life and telling you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise!
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, and any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points: (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, or planning to move here, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "another the big one.''
Based on my experiences, I recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
Step 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Step 2: Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
So, with that in mind, I'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house and drop you like a hot rock at a moments notice!
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will probably fly away.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
"HURRICANE-PROOF'' WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low- lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Louisiana,'' you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
..23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
..Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
..A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
..A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
..A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
..$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean, hanging onto a sign post for dear life and telling you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise!
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