"Something just ain't right about that Boy"

The Expert's Expert!


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Dear Merle,
I am double-jointed.......Although this does lead to some fun activities, it can be a little uncomfortable. How do I tell my boyfriend (who is 35) to back off a little without hurting his feelings....

Kisses all over,
Reeling in Reno


Dear Reeling in Reno,
I personaly have always found the act of love with double-jointed people very satisfying. I'm double jointed myself, or I was (before the bad manure plant accident) and found it sometime a blessing and sometime a curse. You have my sympathy.

But maybe I can help.

My suggestion would be to acquire a little know but very useful book called
"The Lithuanian Kama Sutra"

Originally printed in 1609, written by Kazakhstan midgets and translated by Lithuanian monks, I found it chalk full of info and has a special section on the art of sensitive double-jointed love making for two, three or for going solo, if you know what I mean.

The technique of the "Karezza Half Moon Uruvaghana Embrace" is very good for the more nimble of us, and the "El Kabachi Transverse Gardabha Twist"(with optional chocolate) is equally effective for the more kinky couples. I also recommend the "Upside-down Lotus Padma combined with Yugmapad Lunge from the side position. Excellent!
TIP: This position combining the Feng shui technique of facing East/North East between the hours of 4 and 6pm is simple incredible!

But I must STRONGLY warn you, stay away from the section on "Parshva Marjara Reverse Ekabandha and Self Stimulation" I broke an ankle and two fingers with that one!

All and all, a great forgotten book that should give you and your partner minutes and minutes of fulfilled pleasure. And remember: Alway be safe in you love making. No deposit, No return.

If all else fails, CALL ME. I'm in the book! Woooo Hoooo!

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Dear Merle,
I can't seem to get the girls! Can you help?

Phantom2
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Dear P2
Knowing the business your in, this should not be a problem! I am beginning to believe the rumors that you have real issues are not so much rumors after all.

But perhaps I can help.

First we must understand the ladies are delicate beings, or so they lead us to believe.
They love to be swept off their feet by a handsome gentleman, but tend to gravitate toward the bad boys in society. So we must walk a fine line between Wimp and Macho Man. We must be forceful, yet respectful. Stern but kind. We must pull out their chair at the dinner table, open the car door and meet their pleasurable needs in the way of their instructions (if you get my drift).
We must at all times take their feelings into our consideration . Make them feel like they are your Queen!

If all else fails, ply them with Liquor!

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Merle is Senior Manure Manager at Hardman's Hardware and Feed Co. and an Expert on just about everything.
P.M. your questions to Merle and get his Expert advice on all and anything important. http://my.opera.com/Merle5/about/

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From the Desk of MissInformation



By Lillian Crass
Crass News Sevice International.







FLASH!....Pillsbury Doughboy killed by Broom-Wielding Housewife!

Date Line: Fort Wayne Indiana, U.S.
Kenneth Fresh, 34, son of original Pillsbury Doughboy, Marv "Poppin" Fresh, was killed Monday when a startled housewife beat him to death with a broom. "I was sweeping the kitchen floor and lamenting our family's usual humdrum breakfast biscuits when I heard a strange high-pitched voice directly behind me" said the shakened Debbie Combs, 44, of Fort Wayne.
All he could say was "Try my new Flaky Cres-" before my instincts took over and I pounded him with all my might".
Rescue workers frantically poked Fresh for nearly 20 minutes in an effort to revive the doughboy, but were unsuccessful. No charges were filed.

The Fresh family honored his request that his body be donated to baking research.

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Hollywood Fashion Critic Dies

Date Line: Los Angeles, U.S
Mr. Blackwell, the acerbic designer whose annual worst-dressed list skewered the fashion felonies of celebrities from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Britney Spears, has died. He was 86.

Blackwell was a little-known dress designer when he issued his first tongue-in-cheek criticism of Hollywood fashion disasters for 1960—long before Joan Rivers and others turned such ridicule into a daily affair.
Year after year, he would take Hollywood's reigning stars and other celebrities to task for failing to dress in what he thought was the way they should

Mr. Blackwell was laid to rest in a Florescent lime green suit, Purple shirt, orange tie and an Elvis wig and sunglasses. Rip Taylor gave the eulogy.

Donations in his name will be accepted by the Fashion Disaster Relief fund of California.

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Astronomers Admit They Made Neptune Up.

Date Line: London, U.K.
An elaborate 155 year old hoax was revealed Monday, when the Royal Astronomical Society confessed that the planet Neptune does not exist. "It appears to have begun in 1864, when Johann Galle needed a big discovery to give his career a jump start, so he fabricated this new planet" said Royal Astronomical Society President Sir Johnathan Peachmere Johnathan III.
"Every since, every astronomer who wants some attention has come up with a new report on Neptune and made up some rubbish to support it."

"I swear we meant to come clean eventually, but the whole thing just kind of snowballed on us."



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Lillian Crass is President and C.E.O. of CNS/Crass News Service based in the United Kingdom.
With a crack team of correspondents spread worldwide, she gathers the best in World and International News as well as dirt on everybody.
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