Ok, what's your other talents.....hummmmmm?
Posts tagged with "FinkelFarts"
Ok, what's your other talents.....hummmmmm?
.....and more inside.
Please Donate....this could be you! Sponsored by the Society for the Prevention of Unwanted Stiffies.
www.deflate johnson.com or www.get martha off me.org
A doctor in Australia has come up with sufficient research that states that what we don't know is that after we eat it, the boogers actually acts like a low grade flu shot. We eat the bacteria, the immune system fights off the bacteria, causing our immune system to strengthen. It acts just like a medicine would.
You see, your nose acts like a filter to in the air you breathe, just like an air filter your home. It catches and collect dust and bacteria that your nose doesn't feel is a good idea to suck into your lungs, over time it all collects and settles to what we call a booger. Then the person picks their booger, eats it, and the process starts all over again. Another great advantage to picking your nose is that you get all those hard to reach places, hankies and tissues don't get. This causes a much cleaner nose and easier breathing. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Today people are sick because they cannot fight off bacteria anymore because they lost the benefits of a strong immune system. The cause, the use of too many antibiotics, and not letting our body fend for ourselves. Back in the day of the cavemen, and when we weren't exposed to the likings of today's behavior, I'm sure they were booger eaters. In fact I'm positive they were because only manners have made booger eating a bad thing.
So think of a local food fest......OK. now I'm going a little too far with this......
Christmas is a day for family (well at least the ones you like), friends, food, giving and receiving. But, there are some things we hope we don't have to see.[/B]
Like a lot of children, over the years I've written Santa may times. Since a young lad, I've requested many things and asked many questions of the Man in the Red Suit. I guess I didn't always catch Santa at a good time because our correspondence was not always as warm as it might have been. I've managed to keep most of the letters and responses. Here are a few samples of our letters to each other. At the end is the letter I sent last year, but unfortunately the response was to full of expletives to print here.
So she can sue me!
Uptown with Aunt Tilly.
It was such a beautiful morning, we decided before we would leave
for town to have coffee outside. This is Aunt Tilly's patio garden.
Her green thumb never ceases to amaze me.........
From food to flip flops, computers to underwear, new watches or fire extinguishers......even get new glasses or a shot gun!
They're open 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
......and if you've ever wondered what a mild acid trip might look like, you can get a good idea if you go walk around a Wal-mart at 4am in the morning!
Read on and look for yourself.....
Everyday people get the shit kicked out of them by second-rate implements. Be it discount baseball bats, flimsy aluminum pipes, or after market no-waffle head hammers, nearly everyone has at one time or another gone through the de-humanizing experience of being severely pummeled with a lesser quality product.
Well, I’m proud to say the crowbar that landed me in the hospital three weeks ago retailed for 29.95, and is sold only in the better hardware store nationwide.
Let me tell you, this is the kind of crowbar you’d tell everyone about if your lower jaw hadn’t been smashed and wired shut.
Sure, it hurt my ego when the Titan SureGrip model 43 crowbar was first driven unexpectedly into the back of my head. And yes, I did cry about it for a couple of hours afterwards, but that night, I was hit by something even harder than that 20 inch, curved piece of high-carbon steel: the realization that there’s no shame in being beat down by the best crowbar money can buy!
While I originally harbored some resentment toward my assailant for knocking out 12 of my teeth, all it took was one look at that blazing orange and white Titan logo arching toward my face to realize I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Even while chocking on my vital fluids and drifting in and out of consciousness, it was hard to ignore Titans superior quality and craftsmanship with each two-handed, overhead blow to my ribcage. Pleading desperately for mercy, I was immediately struck by the crowbars sturdy hexagonal cross-section structure, which prevented any bending of the shaft. Most of all, I was impressed by how its cushioned Sure-grip handle allowed my assailant to confidently pummel away at my helpless facedown frame without fear that it would slip loose.
No way! Not the SureGrip 43!
The way I look at it, if you’re going to lose three pints of blood, you might as well lose it to the crowbar most trusted by demolition professionals the world over. After all, how many people can really say they were bludgeoned within an inch of their lives by the only crowbar to receive a perfect Five-Star rating in Hard Hat News Magazine?
Everybody says it must have been some psychopath that beat me and left me a bloody mess. And while at first that seems to make sense. But ask yourself this: Would your run of the mill psychopath purchase the highest quality crowbar on the market today?
I think not!
At the end of the day, after countless radiology exams and CAT scans, that’s what separates me from the other wimps in my ward. And while it’s possible that many of us will forget our names or what year it is again, I alone will always remember the superior brand name responsible for the debilitating trauma to my frontal lobe.
Sure I may never be able to walk unassisted, but after months of physical therapy, I will hold my head high. Thing could have been worse, I might have had to live out my life with the humiliation of nearly checking out of this world at the hands of an imported inferior quality mass produced, stamped cast steel crowbar!
[/ALIGN] By Brumus H.
Pity those poor mortals milling about the drugstore. I once numbered among them, braying and milling like sheep in limp-haired herds. Like them, I was satisfied to follow the same old morning routine, blindly accepting the shampoos of our forefathers and their forefather before them.
But armed with only a dream and a coupon I discovered in the Sunday newspaper insert, I DARED TO SWITCH BRANDS!!!
They thought me mad. They thought I was crazy. But look at me know! Look at my rich and easy-to-manage locks and tell me who’s crazy now! They think I didn’t see them shaking their heads, whispering behind their hands.
Damn their tiny minds!
The instant I entered my shower and squeezed a dime-sized dollop into my hand, I knew that a miracle was nigh, and their ignorant fear did not concern me. As I coaxed the lather into my hair I could feel the revitalizing power coursing through my hair, electrifying it to the very roots!
Like Archimedes, I sprang for my shower and shouted to the Heavens: “Behold! Gaze upon my head and ask yourself - is this the full-bodied head of hair of a madman?”
With small-mindedness, the “good people” now shun and malign me. The sidewalks seem to clear before my path, and my approach is greeted with the sound of slamming screen doors and sharp clicks of deadbolts locks, because I dared to pick forbidden fruit.
How they laughed at me at the drugstore! How they spat upon my dreams of healthy hair!
But they don’t laugh now as I vigorously toss my beautiful head of flowing lushful locks. Again and again I toss it , almost as if in slow motion.
I ask you, are theses the actions of an insane man?
Perhaps it is madness to have this lustrous and health of hair, if that is the case, then so be it! Let the name of Brumus be invoked in the same breath with other great madmen of infamy, as long as it is synonymous with the achievement of beautiful, manageable hair!
They call me a monster! The chastised me for playing God. Their greatest minds bark among themselves: “God did not intend us to have the hair of the Angels!”
It is them that are the limp and lifeless, heat damaged monsters!
Pity there is no resent picture of me before the transformation, that these dullards might compare it to the glorious after, for I have breathed the apple-scented greatness, I can never go back!
If you cannot come with me on journey into the unknown, then be gone!
And don’t wonder what happened to me, know only that I have changed shampoos, and I can no longer live amongst lesser men! HA!
Should I Cut Off My Ponytail?
- Yes, make your mother happy in her old age.
- No, it adds to that Distinguished Neanderthal look.
- Only if It makes you an even Better Kisser
- Do It! You look like a freak no matter what.
Total: 31 votes
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