"Something just ain't right about that Boy"

"I need a lamp," said the King.
"Sorry, Yo Highness. Can't sell you a lamp. How about a deck of cards?"
"Get me a lamp, or I shall have you thrown into a dungeon for insolence.
I'll be back at three-thirty sharp to pick it up!"

Aladdin considered the options (find a light fixture or spend life in chains) and decided maybe he should get the king a lamp. He dashed out of the shop in search of one, but in
his haste, he stepped in a rather large hole and tumbled into inky darkness.
He thought to himself, "I seem to have fallen into a bottomless pit."... Thud.....OOH!

At that moment, as he picked himself up, he spotted a dim light coming from a strange looking squat lamp lying on the floor. On it were inscribed the words "Rub me and get a surprise."
How could he resist a deal like that? He rubbed and.....POOF......out popped a beautiful girl, decked out in a little black dress with plunging neckline, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and just a little too much eye makeup......Ya know, the groupie type.

"Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed Aladdin. "A genie!"

"Yes, that's my name. Jeannie."
"That's unnecessarily confusing baby." said Aladdin. "Are you the kind of genie who, you know, grants three wishes?"
"Oh, heavens no. I'm just an ordinary girl who happens to have been brought up in a lamp.
You know, the housing shortage around these parts and all."
"Are you sure?" asked Aladdin.
"Sure, I'm sure I'm sure. Just try making a wish."
"I'd rather rub you and make a wish" says Aladdin.
"Just make a wish cause you ain't touchin me you little freak"

So, Aladdin did. He wished they were out of the pit and .....POOF....they were. Just like that.
" Imagine that!" said the genie. "All that time I was stuck in that lamp and I could have
wished myself out. Oh, the humanity!"

Aladdin hurried the lamp and Jeannie back to the shop.
"You shine that lamp up for the king, will ya baby?"
"Why not just wish it clean?" asked Jeannie.
"No sir! I've only got two wishes left. I'm saving them for something important."
Aladdin slipped into the back room and Jeannie set to rubbing the lamp that once held her prisoner. But as soon as she began....POOF.....another genie appeared. This one, thankfully, was named Sally.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, the King was in the Throne Room meeting with the Great Wizard, a short little dude with a long gray beard and beady little eyes.
"Terrible news, Yo Highness," said the wizard. "Yo Throne has been overthrown. You are no longer king."
"No?" asked the King. "Who is?"
"Me!" shouted the wizard, with an evil laugh.

With that the King disappeared through a trap door and the Great Wizard sat on the throne and surveyed the plush, carpeted, tastefully appointed throne room.
"You know what this dump needs?" he said to himself. "A nice lamp. We may be in the Dark Ages but does everyone have to take that so damn literally?"
With that, the Wizard went to the only lamp shop in town...Aladdin's. But by this time, the shop was jam-packed with recent inhabitants of the lamp: Sally, Jeannie, Tameka, Kenosha, and plenty more. Apparently, the lamp was sort of a pint-sized condominium complex, with all the genies living in different parts of the lamp.

"Who's in charge here?" interrupted the Wizard. "I'd like to buy that lamp....although it is a little dirty."
The wizard picked up the lamp and began trying to rub it clean. But who should appear but......and here's the rub......the King!

"B-b-b-b-but how did you get in the lamp?" stammered the Wizard.
"Don't ask me, bub!" said the King, who was a bit pissed by this time. "It was your trapdoor.
Now prepare to defend yourself you little toad!"
The King drew a sword. The genies drew breathes.

At that moment, Aladdin, who had just emerged from the backroom poker game, saw this impending mess and came up with a brilliant idea. He could stop this chaos......and get out of this poker room business.....if only he wished himself king.
"I wish I were King!" shouted Aladdin. Nothing happened. Everyone turned and looked at him like he was crazy!
"Shhhhit!" he said. You see, he had used up his wishes back in the game, when he wished for
an Ace and a Jack to make a Royal Flush. He needed to rub the lamp and get more wishes!
He lunged for the Wizard King, who was holding the lamp. The two fell to the floor struggling and tumbling.....and both rubbed the lamp at the same time. But instead of another Mary or Jennie appearing....POOF.....Aladdin and the Wizard King disappeared!
And the King was the King again!

Which only goes to prove that fairy tale endings can sometimes be completely arbitrary.......
Oh..... and that only in checkers should one try to jump the King!

THE END!

(with apologies to Antoine Galland)

Now Story Times over, GET OUTA MY FACE!