Something is just not right about that Boy

* When going out of town, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.

* When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse Pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high maintenance!

* Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake people.

* Fish are definitely dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.

* Owning a colorful Cockatiel or Mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning and slap yourself on the forehead and say "Holy Shit! I'm gay!"

* Unless you constantly reassure you dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow up depressed and eventually hang himself.

* Once a week comb your cat's ass hair...oftened matted with clumps of feces...with a special cat's ass hair brush.

*If your dog or cat starts wearing those pointy 50's -era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately!

* Your Rottweiler or pitbull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train him properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.

* Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and a light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.

* No matter how much you trust your monkey, never ever let it shoot your favorite hand gun without proper supervision.

* If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.

* Most kittens can with stand impacts of up to 35mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.

* Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exist for there amusement!

* If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own , Mr Individuality!