My Opera~~~ Where Do I Belong? ~~~
Monday, June 1, 2009 1:19:10 PM
Never once in my life have i ever felt lost and/or confused about where i am in my life , how i came to be here and what path to take from here on in. But tonight i feel like chaos...
I already mentioned in my first blog called the Aftermath, how i thought it was great that i had my family here for me after the break up where i kinda had a little melt down. Ok a big melt down. I thought it was great that i could just move back here no questions asked. And now i am not so sure... i feel like a hindrance, like i have disturbed the dynamics of what used to be where i called home. Now i dont even know if i can call it that anymore.
When i first moved out of home i felt really good about my purchases. A big bookshelf for my giant collection of books, those who read my last blog would know... a bed side table (more like a mini filing cabinet) that i could store away things that i dind't really have a *spot* for.. my big queen size bed. Well thats about it really by way of furniture. But since i moved out of that house back to mum's... trying to find a place to put all those things in my current bedroom or even elshewhere in the house is proving to be a bit challenging. But like as if i didn't already know this, I had mum all up in my face about why did i even buy all these things in the first place if i was just going to move back home in the end?
OH MY F**KING GOODNESS!!
Get real mum! i mean seriously, Could i predict that one day the love of my life who i wanted to spend forever with would just get cold feet and walk away? I didn't plan it. I certainly didn't ask for it. A bit of sensitivity can go a long long way. But now i feel like i'm in limbo. and its not the nicest place to be in at the moment i must say. Like i said last night, its been a month to the day he walked out on me. To mum that might feel like a lifetime ago, she might have forgotten my sister bringing me back home whilst i was half drunk, with fresh slashes on my wrist... just wanted it all to be over! I wanted the hurt to end! She might have forgotten like it was a lifetime ago, but to me it feels like it was just yesterday, and to have my own mother saying such things like "why did u buy so much furniture if you'd come back home anyways?" instead of something like "that monster , i can't believe he did this to my baby girl...what a coward he must be!" ...yeah it hurt like F**ck right then and there.
To go into my room and slam the door shut, to burst into tears feeling there was no where to go. no one to turn to. No one you *truly* understands what im going through. No one who would simply listen without trying to find the right words to say, no one who wouldn't judge me... Until i remembered #hope...
So i no longer belong at my own place with my best friend turned room mate. Today we met up for dinner. That was at least nice... and I signed the tenancy agreement to say i no longer reside there. No sense of belonging there....
I feel like i don't belong at mum's place either, but it's not like i was gone for long, only since December 2008. Yet no sense of belonging here either...
So where do i belong?!!
Until Next Time, Peace Out...
But Stuff Being Good as it gets you no where!!
Pre10da
I already mentioned in my first blog called the Aftermath, how i thought it was great that i had my family here for me after the break up where i kinda had a little melt down. Ok a big melt down. I thought it was great that i could just move back here no questions asked. And now i am not so sure... i feel like a hindrance, like i have disturbed the dynamics of what used to be where i called home. Now i dont even know if i can call it that anymore.
When i first moved out of home i felt really good about my purchases. A big bookshelf for my giant collection of books, those who read my last blog would know... a bed side table (more like a mini filing cabinet) that i could store away things that i dind't really have a *spot* for.. my big queen size bed. Well thats about it really by way of furniture. But since i moved out of that house back to mum's... trying to find a place to put all those things in my current bedroom or even elshewhere in the house is proving to be a bit challenging. But like as if i didn't already know this, I had mum all up in my face about why did i even buy all these things in the first place if i was just going to move back home in the end?
OH MY F**KING GOODNESS!!
Get real mum! i mean seriously, Could i predict that one day the love of my life who i wanted to spend forever with would just get cold feet and walk away? I didn't plan it. I certainly didn't ask for it. A bit of sensitivity can go a long long way. But now i feel like i'm in limbo. and its not the nicest place to be in at the moment i must say. Like i said last night, its been a month to the day he walked out on me. To mum that might feel like a lifetime ago, she might have forgotten my sister bringing me back home whilst i was half drunk, with fresh slashes on my wrist... just wanted it all to be over! I wanted the hurt to end! She might have forgotten like it was a lifetime ago, but to me it feels like it was just yesterday, and to have my own mother saying such things like "why did u buy so much furniture if you'd come back home anyways?" instead of something like "that monster , i can't believe he did this to my baby girl...what a coward he must be!" ...yeah it hurt like F**ck right then and there.
To go into my room and slam the door shut, to burst into tears feeling there was no where to go. no one to turn to. No one you *truly* understands what im going through. No one who would simply listen without trying to find the right words to say, no one who wouldn't judge me... Until i remembered #hope...
So i no longer belong at my own place with my best friend turned room mate. Today we met up for dinner. That was at least nice... and I signed the tenancy agreement to say i no longer reside there. No sense of belonging there....
I feel like i don't belong at mum's place either, but it's not like i was gone for long, only since December 2008. Yet no sense of belonging here either...
So where do i belong?!!
Until Next Time, Peace Out...
But Stuff Being Good as it gets you no where!!
Pre10da
