Going to the beach

1. Chocolate body paint.

I know that it’s “creative,” but OMG the mess! What’s so hot about sex that has to be followed immediately by some quality time with a stain remover and a load of laundry? Plus, the taste is way overrated. If I feel like eating chocolate, Im going to buy the real stuff, not some chemical-tasting chocolate impersonator. But be careful, because the real stuff gets super sticky and borderline painful if you try to use it anywhere besides in your own mouth.

2. Shower intercourse.

Good luck finding — and maintaining — a position in the shower without getting a cramp, wiping out, or knocking the soap dispenser off the wall. As for finding a position that’s actually satisfying, for both of you? No chance. I say, enjoy some manual or oral sex in the shower and then move to the bed (or other sturdy object) for actual intercourse.

3. Food for oral.

Okay, yes I am a Chef but stuff like whipped cream, jelly, etc., — anything containing sugar, basically — near a woman’s sensitive parts can lead to infection.

4. Licking your partner from head to toe.

That’s a lot of acreage to cover with a tongue, and by the time you’re done you’ll feel like you just walked through the desert with no water. And your partner will start to feel chilly as all that saliva starts to evaporate. It’s even worse if your breath isn’t totally, perfectly fresh!

5. Humming during oral sex, a.k.a. a hummer.

If you can pull this off — both giver and receiver — without cracking up or getting weirded out, then you’re stronger specimens than I am.

6. Accessorizing ----- s and ----- s with anything besides lube.

Magazines will tell you to put everything from a scrunchie to a donut to a pearl necklace to ice on his johnson. These magazine articles are never written by men. I even read one tip that a woman should put frozen grapes in her mouth before giving a ----- . Just in case, you know, a guy gets turned on by chipmunks.

7. Real handcuffs.

The metal, police-style handcuffs are painful and can actually cause nerve damage. Plus, good luck if you lose the key. Better to use purpose-made cuffs that are more adjustable, more comfortable, easier to undo quickly, and all around safer.

8. Tracing the alphabet on her clitoris with your tongue.

Sure, it’s good to try different strokes and speeds and pressures. But concentrating on your ABC’s will take you out of the moment so that you’re not paying attention to what actually works for your girl. Remember, all clitorises are different, and even the same clitoris in your life can have mood swings.

9. Do-it-Yourself sex toys.

Go ahead and use your ping-pong paddle as a spanking device. But anything vibrating or insertable should be custom-made for the job. Put down the electric toothbrush and walk away.

10. Novelty intercourse positions. Im talking the “Wheelbarrow,” the “Little Dipper,” the “Pile Driver,” etc. Intercourse positions that a) make you feel like rejects from a Cirque du Soleil audition, b) can cause serious injury, and/or c) have zero chance in resulting in orgasm? Um, no thanks!