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Musings

Bringing things into focus

Loony Ideas

It is becoming clear to me and many researchers that over time, the Moon has had an extraordinary effect on things here on Earth. The picture that is emerging from these loony ideas is that it may be a mandatory type of satellite for any world that might harbor intelligent life (as we know it).

The real Genesis story goes something like this:

In the beginning, the Earth was without form and void. It condensed into a planetary body about 4.5 billion years ago, and was smashed by a planetoid about the size of the planet Mars around one hundred million years later, creating a dense ring of debris that circled our planet much like the rings of Saturn. As this ring slowly consolidated into a ball of lava, the Earth (and the Moon) continued to be pummeled by water-rich comets that may have contained primitive life forms. These had evolved within the comets, as many had liquid cores and plenty of Amino Acids at the time.

When things settled out about a billion years later, the Moon circled the Earth much closer than it is today. Back then, it took only 20 days to circle our planet, and a day on earth only lasted about eighteen hours.

Now, over time the core of the earth should have cooled down to the point that convection currents in the magma should have stalled. However, the tidal effects of the moon (and Sun) has added sufficient heat to the natural nuclear reactor at the core of our planet that it has never completely cooled, and therefore, life on Earth was protected from the solar wind by the magnetic field that is generated by the planet's liquid core.

Our planetary neighbors, Venus and Mars, never had a moon like ours, and do not have a magnetic umbrella. This is why they are devoid of life.

An additional benefit of our Moon's tidal effect is on our oceans. Coupled with our water-rich atmosphere that protects us from ultraviolet radiation from outer space, it allowed life to evolve from primitive viruses and bacteria into multi-cellular organisms. In addition, the Moon stabilizes Earth's rotation preventing dramatic movements of the poles and associated climate swings that might have doomed any chance for life to take hold, let alone evolve.

On the downside, we have a slug of volcanoes, both active and extinct (along with plate tectonics), that result from the same phenomena. On the upside, these volcanoes provided the nutrients that allowed life to thrive.

However, they have periodically gotten out of hand. Most of the mass extinction events on our planet are not due to impacts of interstellar debris, but instead, volcanic eruptions. During these events, the CO 2 released by volcanoes into the air dwarfed anything that humans have done or will do, and elevated temperatures to the point that life nearly disappeared.

They can still do so today. It is estimated that the planet has had over 10,000 volcanoes. Of these, over 1500 are active, eighty of which are under water. Of the remainder, about 20% may be dormant. The rest are extinct.

So, our Pagan ancestors and the Indians were right after all. The Sun and the Moon are the givers of life. I find it interesting to think about these things, and I hope you do too!For UFO fans, a well-reasoned speculation about life on Earth is found here: Alternative View





The danger of a ‘Supermom’

The leading computer scientists, artificial intelligence researchers and roboticists, who met at the Asilomar Conference Grounds on Monterey Bay in California this week, expressed concern about controlling the advance of artificial intelligence. The fear is that it is increasingly possible that a machine that is more intelligent than a human might be created, leading to other machines that design even more intelligent machines, etc., etc….

The whole thing spins out of control and at some point; humans become obsolete and according to a judgmental ‘supervisory’ machine, no longer necessary in the scheme of things.

Way back in the 1950s, Isaac Asimov, the science fiction author, anticipated this dilemma and articulated the ‘Three Laws of Robotics’. They were logically consistent and seemed to ameliorate the potential for a destructive robotic uprising.

The thing I worry about is that we will cleverly engineering so many safeguards into these thinking machines that something even more horrible will occur: We will get loved to death.

Imagine a robotic personal assistant whose entire motivation is to keep you safe, healthy, and happy. It is designed to make sure your diet has the specific nutrients required by your unique body makeup, makes sure your immediate environment is stress-free, ensures that you get sufficient exercise to maintain optimal health, diagnoses impending neurosis and initiates appropriate therapies, and so on and so forth. It holds your hand, and murmurs platitudes if you are overcome with fears and doubts. It sings soothing lullabies if you cry.

Soon, you are in a cocoon that insulates you from the travails of life. While you are no longer subject to the consequences of any bad behaviors or poor decision making on your part, you are also deprived of obtaining the life experiences necessary for maturity, moral growth, and wisdom.

You are trapped in a life-long womb, with your robotic friend and ‘Supermom’ ultimately attending to the last rites of an uneventful and exceedingly boring life. The thing is, either way it goes, we are to be ‘wiped out’ as humans by the machines we create if we allow them to emulate our intellectual and emotional capacities.

This gives rise to Ravo’s first law of robotics: The creation of any humanoid robotic or A.I. system shall be punishable by death.




Yellowstone Musings

Back in the 1970s, I was offered the position of president for a small public company that had an interesting patent for a wind turbine that could be used to generate electricity. I accepted the offer only to find out that I had assumed the helm of a sinking ship.

First of all, I determined that the wind turbine design, while interesting, could not be economically produced, and secondly, that the wind turbine energy market at the time was basically non-existent. To make matters worse, in going over the books, I discovered that the board of directors had ‘loaned’ themselves the bulk of the company's working capital.

As I was now the fiduciary of the shareholder's investments, I had a real dilemma on my hands. To protect them and save the company, I forced the board members to repay the ‘loans’ and cast about to find some vehicle to make the shareholders investments provide a reasonable return. In desperation, I latched on to an opportunity that seemed sound: The Yellowstone Motel was up for sale. I went up to Montana, and got the books from the owner and reviewed its operations.

It had been bleeding ‘red ink’ for years because it had only been operated during the summer months. The reason was that the central steam heating system that provided heat to the individual cabins had shallowly buried pipes that froze solid during the harsh winter. As the sport of snowmobiling was in its infancy, I saw an opportunity to make it profitable by enabling its operation year-round. The owner was desperate to get rid of it, and I negotiated an excellent price.

As soon as the deal was concluded, I brought in trenching equipment and started to lay pipe at a much greater depth. Another issue was the old central steam plant. This Gothic horror moaned and groaned loudly in operation, and I feared that the boiler might explode at any time. As luck would have it, a good attorney friend had just purchased the Yellowstone Hotel, and was in the process of expanding it, and replacing the steam heating plant with one of greater capacity. I was able to purchase his existing plant for dimes on the dollar, and it was as least five decades newer than the one I had.

I kept the motel close all that summer and winter as my father and I made the necessary repairs, and planned a grand reopening in the spring. At that time, I hired a young college couple on sabbatical to run the day to day operation, as I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Of course, I had to travel there frequently to do the books and make sure things were running efficiently. In reality, this took very little time, and I actually spent most of my time engaged in fly-fishing for trout in the Madison and Firehole rivers, and in the small hidden lakes within Yellowstone Park. I had a grand time, and hiked all over the park that year. It was a wonderful interlude in my life, and as soon as the property had a history of profitable operation, I sold it for a tidy gain, and resigned my position with the company.

Since then, I have had a special interest in Yellowstone, and so I have become somewhat alarmed at the recent increased activity at the super volcano's caldera. Take a close look at the following chart produced by the USGS:

Now, the last time the volcano erupted was about 70,000 years ago. Interestingly, this was the same time that the Toba super volcano in Indonesia erupted, nearly making human beings extinct. This ‘recent’ Yellowstone eruption was tiny, only 1,000 cubic kilometers of Rhyolitic lava compared to the one that occurred about 640,000 years ago, forming the present 45 by 85 kilometer caldera. This eruption has been recreated visually in several recent made-for-television dramas.

A new satellite-based technique known as Interferometric Synthetic Aperture Radar (InSAR) allows direct and precise measurement of the vertical changes in ground level. This InSAR image of the area around the Yellowstone Caldera (dotted line) shows vertical changes during the 4-year period 1996–2000. The ringed pattern centered northwest of Yellowstone Lake is a prominent area of dome-shaped uplift. Each complete cycle of colors in the color bands represents a little more than one inch (28.3 mm) of vertical change. Yellow triangles are continuous GPS stations; white dots are locations of earthquakes in the period 1996–2000.

According to the USGS, “The uplift detected in the 1970s was centered near Le Hardy Rapids, between two resurgent domes-sections of the caldera floor that had earlier been pushed upward and faulted. Such resurgent domes form when magma rises to shallow levels beneath a caldera and slowly re-inflates a previously depleted magma reservoir, pushing the overlying caldera floor upward to form a dome. The pressure of the inflating magma reservoir may even force some of the molten rock to emerge at the surface as lava. The fact that the uplift documented in the 1970s was centered within the caldera near the resurgent domes seemed to indicate that the magma reservoir was again exerting pressure upward.

I think I had better get up there soon to do a little more fly-fishing while it's still available!



Take a Holiday!

One of my female millionaire friends just sent me some interesting advice. Now, my dedicated readers will recall the value proposition I proposed in a blog post regarding the prospect for retiring dirt-chip on a cruise ship, forever (so to speak) wandering from port to port around the world.

Well, this suggestion is certainly a runner-up winner. She suggested retiring to a Holiday Inn! She went on to give me the details, which I thought I should share with the Geezer's Club and youngsters that aspire to a ripe old age, here on Opera:

No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And, no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. And, the grandkids can use the pool!


In these troubled times, with headlines all the time about abuse of the elderly in rest homes staffed by illegal immigrants, you need to be on the lookout for better alternatives to your current lifestyle.

I am already on-line with Google Maps and booking rooms with Inns that are located within one mile of a local golf course or bordello.






A Convincing UFO Report

Today, I was reading the digital archives of an old Utah newspaper called ‘The American Eagle’. The specific edition I was reading was dated May 5, 1896. Now, this was the days of the ‘Old West’ with cattle rustlers, still wild Indians, gunfights, and so forth. The total population of the territory (it wasn’t a state yet) was less than 30,000 and it was before cars, airplanes, and paved roads.

On page two of the old paper, I read the following:

Some Ogden parties whose reputation is above question have seen an air-ship floating over town at night. It is the regulation ship that has been seen so often and at so many places during the last few months, cigar-shaped, with a light at either end. The queer craft possessed marvelous agility and changed its course, turned abruptly around and arose and lowered at will.

Now, to put things in context; In 1852, Henri Giffard (a French engineer) built the first powered airship, which consisted of a 143-ft (44-m) long, cigar-shaped, gas-filled bag with a propeller, powered by a 3-horsepower (2.2-kW) steam engine. It flew 17 miles. Later, in 1900, Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin of Germany invented the first rigid airship. The Wight Brothers didn't make their first, short flight till 1903. The first continental railroad across the United States was completed on May 10, 1869, and was commemorated with a ‘golden spike’ being driven at Promontory Point, Utah.

I find this account very disturbing because the observers were stone-sober Mormon pioneers. I discount the possibility that the UFO was of extraterrestrial origin, and will entertain only three possibilities:

A) An obscure Jules Vern-Captain Nemo-type inventor; but come on, in the Old West?
B) A machine from a parallel universe that has an advanced civilization.
C) A machine from the future, implying a mastery of time travel.

To put things in further context, here is the article that follows:

“Joe Walker, the notorious horse thief of Emery county, who recently shot sheriff Tuttle, has offered to pay Tuttle’s doctor bill. He sent word from his camp in San Rafel that he would turn over three horses (presumably without a bill of sale) for the sheriff to dispose of. Should the animals bring more than enough to settle all bills, the residue is to be turned over to Walker.”

The First powered Airship



Oysters

One of my favorite treats here in arid Utah is fresh oysters on the half shell. While I can’t yet call myself a connoisseur of these tasty shellfish, I have tried many varieties and can tell excellence from mediocrity.

A mere half-mile from my home is a seafood restaurant that I won't name because I am currently pissed off at them for sacrificing quality for profits. However, they still get my business because on Mondays, they have an oyster special: all you can eat for a dollar a piece. And somehow, these buffoons have an exclusive deal that ties up all of the western U.S. distribution of what I consider the finest oysters in the entire world.

They fly in these tasty morsels directly from Canoe Lagoon which is located on the northeast coast of Prince of Wales Island in the U.S. State of Alaska. The Sterling Oyster is produced by a small family operation, and I don't know how they do it, but several times a year they ship the little devils directly from their oceanic farm to my mouth.

When they show up on the menu, I go down and pig out on them. As skinny as I am, I leave the place looking like a pregnant thermometer, with a huge smile on my face.

My favorite way of indulging in them is to chew slowly and savor the flavor instead of slurping them down; and along with the oysters, I have a bottle of chilled California champagne and a rack of hot toast with lots of butter. Simple, elegant fare for a simple man.

I rate this meal high up on my list of life's little pleasures, along with the Bouillabaisse that can only be found on Cape Cod, outside of Boston.

And, speaking of Bouillabaisse, I have a little story.

One time when I was traveling in France, I dreamed of that delightful Cape Cod meal, rich in big chucks of a variety of fish and shellfish in a spicy tomato broth, and decided to see what the French original was all about. I found a small Michelin three-star rated restaurant in Paris, and was seated by the Maitre-d. In a few minutes, the server came over and I ordered the Bouillabaisse and several appropriate wines.

As I placed my order, I apologized to the waiter about my poor French language skills, and he laughed and told me not to worry, as he was Italian. The Maitre-d was frowning at him as we chatted for a moment—apparently it was not appropriate to engage in conversation with the customers.

When my meal arrived, I could not believe my eyes. I was served a bowl of fish gruel. It looked as though a whole fish had been shoved into a Bass-O-Matic blender. It was a stinking, awful puree, and I called the server back over to complain.

“What is this crap?” I demanded loudly.

“It is the Bouillabaisse that you ordered.” He replied, with concern etched on his face.

The scowling Maitre-d edged a little closer from his corner position to better overhear the conversation. Incensed, I went on, “This would gag a maggot! In America, when I order Bouillabaisse, I am served a large tureen filled with chucks of Cod, Sole, Scallops, big oysters and clams, shrimp and so forth, in a tomato sauce.”

The server smiles broadly, nodding his head in agreement. “Monsieur, you are describing northern Italian cooking." "The French," he sneered, "They know nothing about cooking! You come to Italy! You will find what your heart desires!”

At this point, I arose and slapped down enough money to cover the meal and a tip, and strode out of the dining room. As I was leaving, the Maitre-d rushed over to the server and started berating him in rapid French, too fast for me to follow.

I often wonder if the little Italian lost his job over that episode.

Sterling Oysters

Resource Wars

I have blogged in the past about the prospect for global food and water shortages escalating into pitched battles between countries to secure these vital resources. Today, I read a UPI report that the stage is being set for this conflict scenario by the Gulf Arab States.

According to the report, they are engaged in using their oil profits to acquire vast tracts of arable land around the world that have associated water resources. The idea is that by this means they will become self-sufficient in food production by cultivating these land holdings and directly ship the produce home, thus avoiding the global commodities markets and their associated price structures.

These land grabs are occurring in countries that presently can't afford to feed their own populations, and they don't bode well for the future for all concerned.

Why?

Because in the host countries, political pressure to feed a starving populace will cause the rulers or elected officials to nationalize these holdings, regardless of the moral or economic rules that govern global commerce.

This in turn, will present the prospect of those Gulf countries involved using gunboat diplomacy to protect their interests. And, in as much as the weapons suppliers both in the East and the West have greedily supplied these countries with the latest high technology military products, such enforcement actions become much more plausible.

Now, I suggest that the Arabic countries involved in this escapade rethink their strategy.

In point of fact, it is quite possible that food and water self-sufficiency can be achieved on your own soil, irrespective of the fact that most of it consists of barren, sandy, wastelands that are presently the homelands of scattered migrant tribesmen.

New technological developments have occurred in the last few years that allow economical solar-powered water extraction from the desert air. Although it seldom rains in these regions, the air above the desert has sufficient humidity to allow the production of sufficient water to engage in industrial-scale hydroponic farming. And with global warming, the humidity in the air will increase.

Hydroponics have been demonstrated to produce far more infestation-free crops per square meter than an equivalent area of rich farmland, and such systems can be set up as closed loop irrigation systems with little water loss. I'm sure your engineers are aware of these developments.

And that, my friends, is where you should be investing your oil dollars. Let's face it; your oil resources are running out, and you have only one shot at getting this right. I know that Western countries will be falling all over themselves to provide the technology and technicians to help make this happen, and in the long run, you might avoid the turf wars that flare up in more developed regions of the world, as a growing population chases growing scarcity of these vital resources.

For my readers who are unfamiliar with these advances, here are several examples of what I am talking about:

Water Extraction Schematic

Hydroponics

Aquaponics




Taliban Eater

Today is my wife’s birthday, and so I took her golfing as a birthday present. Of course, I have convinced her that all neophyte golfers must go through the learning stage of being a caddy before wielding potentially dangerous drivers and irons. It seems to work well for both of us, and I’ve assured her that she will graduate from my one-on-one instructional program soon.

On our return from a very pleasant round, I sat down to read the news on-line. One article caught my attention; a new product announcement from Robotic Technology, Inc. It announced the EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), a new Warbot that incorporates some interesting new technology.

To quote from their website, “The purpose of the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) ™ project is to develop and demonstrate an autonomous robotic platform able to perform long-range, long-endurance missions without the need for manual or conventional re-fueling, which would otherwise preclude the ability of the robot to perform such missions. The system obtains its energy by foraging – engaging in biologically-inspired, organism-like, energy-harvesting behavior which is the equivalent of eating. It can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable. For example, about 150 lbs of vegetation could provide sufficient energy for 100 miles of driving, depending on circumstances.”

One of the biomass articles touted which it can utilize for fuel is dead bodies. Here is a drawing of the prototype:


Of course this is just one of the possible configurations. It could be equipped with rocket launchers or heavy machine guns.

It occurred to me that in a certain configuration, it could be the ideal weapon for use on the Taliban in Afganistan. In use, the video camera image processing system would select for certain image patterns in its memory. The software would eliminate from consideration as a potential target any human in a military uniform or business suit, and focus instead on those with turbans, robes and so forth.

Because the Taliban delights in beheadings and amputations, the armament system would consist of a half-dozen hydraulic arms that wield samurai swords. These whirling blades, under computer control, would have reflexes much faster than any human, and would cut them down in a heart beat. The system would also include a loudspeaker that loudly plays an audio loop of James Earl Jones shouting ‘Allah Akbar!’ as it roamed around the battle field at high speed, stuffing limbs and other body parts into its fuel tank.

It would be the ultimate terror weapon, free to roam at will without any operator at the controls. And, it would never need to ‘gas up’, so to speak. And after the conflict is over, we simply redeploy them along the U.S./Mexican border, with new patterns in the software that look for sombreros, or perhaps gang member colors. I hope members of Congress earmark funds for this project as soon as possible.

It beats the hell out of giving the money to their banking cronies.


A Haunting Refrain

I have made various posts that bitch and moan about politics and politicians. I thought I had finally, somehow, elevated myself above the fray, but upon reading the following quotation sent to me by my older and wiser cousin, I nearly broke down and wept:

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

Cicero 55 BC


As my good Opera friend Angeliki reminded me, today is my birthday, and now I am officially a dirty old man, excused by society from all sorts of sanctionable activities, which I may or may not engage in. My new excuses include, 'I forgot', 'My glasses steam up (when I ogle the ladies) because of my high blood pressure', and the best one, ‘I’m too old to fight sonny, so I’m just going to shoot you between the eyes’.

And, I get to make one last (I hope) political rant:

The country that I have known and loved most of my life is becoming unrecognizable. It is due to the excesses of politics and politicians who seem to have an unhealthy disregard for the provisions of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. And, my fellow citizens have rushed willy-nilly to embrace the new ‘Savior-based economy’. Sadly, they are lacking the education and wisdom to deal with the issues intelligently, and largely depend on ‘Pundits’ and clergymen to do their thinking for them.

But then, this has been the case since the days that humans first formed societies out of gatherings of nuclear families. Nothing seems to change, and as time goes on, we burden ourselves with chains that exist only in our own minds. I came across a magnificent painting, rich in allegory, which seems to sum up our past and present condition:



It will surprise many to learn that the United States was not established as a ‘Democracy’. The fact is, most of our founding fathers were pagans, and went to great lengths to separate church and state, but one, James Madison, lobbied hard for it to be organized as a ‘Republic’, because he feared the results of direct voting by the citizens as is required in a participatory democracy. This was codified in the 4th article of the Constitution.

So, instead of a democracy, we have a republic in which representatives write the laws and operate the government. Now, this would be an abhorrent situation to an educated general population of patriots, but it is what we have. We are still a long ways from evolving into a participatory democracy, although with modern electronics and the free Internet, we could set up a good one tomorrow.

No, the U.S. wasn't perfect then and it is not perfect now. Democracy is a moving target, changing over time. But obviously we've done some things right. No other nation has influenced as many other nations since the days of the Roman Empire. No other nation has advanced the sciences and the arts as much as the U.S. has. And no other nation has yet moved beyond superpower status to a potential global government.

And yet, with the Savior-based economy, we are giving up much of what our fathers and forefathers achieved, and we are spilling the blood of our children in shooting wars instead of isolating and using the power of high technology, finance, and commerce to dominate and control the miscreants that have hijacked entire countries.

I’m sure that a world government, if it is ever constituted, will at first take the form of a republic, and will endure in that form until the entire population of the world is educated enough and smart enough to evolve it into the real deal. This may well take several lifetimes to accomplish, but it is a worthy goal.









How to give a cat a pill

One of my caring classmates from high school heard that I was raising five new kittens and decided that she should offer some advice. I am grateful for her input and decided to share what she said with my blog readers.

So, in her own words, here it is, how to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

A photo of her cat in action


Well, I'll certainly keep this in mind if I have to slip the little devils some Nebutol or Opium. As it is, I am making good progress teaching them to swim in formation and retrieve Trout. Here is a recent photo from the training pool: